having a hard time
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| Mon, 08-20-2007 - 2:41pm |
Hi all
I posted on this last week. I am dealing with a break up that is just really getting the best of me. My ex and I broke up almost 2 months ago. He was diagnosed with cancer last year and I spent most of the year taking care of him. I have really had a hard time not contacting him because of the huge flood of emotions. Part of it is that it's hard to let go when I have spent so long focussing on him.
Yesterday he told me to stop contacting him, that it's too hard on him and he won't take my calls anymore. I now feel even worse because he is sick and I know I caused him unnecessary stress. Logically the best thing I can do to redeem myself is to not contact him. I just hate that I lost this option to contact him now. It really hurts. And I feel like I need to forgive myself now.
I know we had problems before the cancer, but the illness made everything more complicated. And I am exhausted and feeling totally unappreciated for everything I did for him. I told myself that I would start going out after labor day, but that is two weeks away and I feel like I am back at square 1.

A friend of mine
Sandra,
You are right. I never expected him to feel beholden to me, and I always tell my self and others that I did what I did voluntarily. The break up has just been a hard pill to swallow. It's hard to accept that the best thing I can do for him now is to leave him be.
Since I am 30 and he's 35, his illness is something that my peers and even my parents have trouble relating to. After being his caregiver for so many months, I have to rebuild my life and it's terrifying.
I understand why he did what he did and yet I am still angry at him for how he treated me this past year. I really got the brunt of his anger over his cancer because I was the one who was in town. These are all things I have to resolve myself of course, but now I feel extra sensitive because I worry I have complicated his life and I worry that he and his family will feel that I am insensitive.