Having a hard time

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Having a hard time
9
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 10:18am
Memorial Day weekend, my boyfriend of 4 months was unreachable. Two days later, he sent me an email telling me he apologized for being out of touch but he had received news that left him unsure of how to tell me. He said that where before he minimized the possibility of being redeployed to Iraq, he could no longer maintain that position (he is National Guard and his full time career is a cop). Didn't specifically say he was being redeployed...Said he knew he was asking me to consider a lot and that he knew of my issues of the unknown and that it may be too much for me to handle (yes, I am a worrier). Said I was everything any man could want or need (didn't say "I" could want and need...) and wanted me to think long and hard about this before we talked again. I sent a long email making it clear of how I feel about him but also outlining issues I had already been having with our relationship--communication is not one of his strong points and I was really beginning to wonder if he was even interested in me at all because I'd been feeling a lack of respect and interest in me for awhile. Plus he had this tendency to disappear. Really, I was beginning to wonder if there was someone else in his life altogether. Also lack of attention--I'd made it clear that I wasn't getting enough attention due to his already jam packed life but he had always said I was a priority and he would make the time. We did spend every weekend together though. Recently, he started working tons of overtime...making even less time for me. Hmmm......Anyway, I ended my email telling him that I was having a hard time understanding where exactly I fit with him and that if he wanted me in his life, as I wanted him, he needed to show me--all the time, not just some of the time or whenever it was convenient for him. My email was written classy and not bitchy in any way. Just stated how I felt and what I needed. I guess no reply to my email is his way of showing me he wanted out. I am now wondering if his "redeployment" was really just his cowardly way of doing it and maybe not even true?? God, I'd hope not!! He's already done one tour and I'd like to think he wouldn't even play with comments like that...but who knows. My mother thinks its more about his pending redeployment than me but still, its all so disappointing and I'm having such a hard time letting go. Its not so much the break up, but the sense that it in some ways, still feels like I'm in limbo as it was never official...that there are so many unanswered questions. Its the not knowing that holds me in this place of pain. I have good days and bad days and just want to learn to move on from this. Mainly, get him out of my every thought! HELP!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 11:28am

I know deployments, and I know the havoc they can wreak on a relationship.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 11:46am

Its been two weeks since I sent my response, which ultimately, was not touching so much on the deployment issue as it did on issues we had already been having. I wasn't talking about attention while he was deployed or showing me his interest while gone, etc, but now! I wasn't feeling the interest before this. So before I could even discuss the deployment issue (which to me, it was selfish of him to EMAIL that information to me...) I had to know where exactly I fit because I was having problems with that. To be fair, I HAD said in the past when he was showing me pictures of what was once a Humvee, now blown to bits that he was supposed to be in that day, that I didn't know what I'd do if he had to go back. But BEFORE any of this information came about...he had problems of not calling me, disappearing, and just acting in a manner that to me, did not say "I'm still into you". I don't know that it is just about deployment at all, or even if its even really happening....

Thanks for the link. I will check it out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 1:29pm

Hi sniglet,


I just wanted to say my cousin's son was in Iraq.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 1:31pm
I don't think he has left yet...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 1:45pm

I understand the part about you referring to the now, and not necessarily to the future, but guys have a funny way of projecting whatever is happening now as being "even more so" in the future.


It was more or less chicken of him to email you the info, but maybe he had no idea how you would react to that info, or if he could handle that conversation, who knows?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 1:52pm
So true. And yes, he is generally a very good guy. I do tend to lean towards believing him but his whole weekend disappearance really upset me which was really the basis of my "breaking it down" to him. I did also say "i've always said that when the amount of tears outweigh the butterflies in the stomach, its time to reconsider", so you are right, perhaps he felt he had already done enough and didn't want to put me through this. Still...I wish he wouldn't have left this hanging. I've got too much pride to attempt contact with him again, as I did leave the ball in his court. Since I left it there, I have to deal with him not choosing to dribble or shoot! Just sooo disappointed in his lack of communication (although, not too terribly surprised either...)!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 2:39pm

I have two seemingly-opposing thoughts on what you've written, take what you can and leave the rest:


....."I wish he wouldn't have left this hanging. I've got too much pride to attempt contact with him again, as I did leave the ball in his court.".....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 4:56pm
Thank you for your comments!! I sent him a closure email a little while ago. I don't know that he will respond, but I decided that for me, it was more important to say the things I had to say and yes, to get over that stubborn pride and just do it. The not knowing and wondering was killing me!! I feel soooo much relief! I swore I would never contact the man again! But alas, it has freed me in some way. I didn't want things to end in such a messy way. I want things to be on a high note. I've been holding on to the bitter memories and that was only self torture. Really made life hell. SO, I did as you suggested and looked into my heart and did what was right. If for no other reason, because it was the right thing to do for me. Thank you...you have truly helped me a great deal!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 4:00pm
Well, just wanted to post an update. I never did hear anything after the closure email. Guess he really is through with me. Just wish I knew what the real reason was. Not even sure I believe the deployment story. Oh well, guess it all doesn't matter. Its just so hard to let go though!!!!! It hurts. I mean I feel like I've been tossed aside like a piece of trash. I believe HE thinks things are clear. Sigh...I have more good moments than bad but the bad are AWFUL!!! I am moving on, but truly don't want to. When you care about someone you thought seriously cared about you...its hard. I almost wish he had been mean to me or something. That way I could feel good about going! Thanks to everyone who responded, read and/or listened to this. :(