Having A Hard Time

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Having A Hard Time
2
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 12:02am

My Fiance broke off our engagement and I am devestated. He immediately jumped into another relationship with another woman. There were absolutely no signs of infidelity. I knew where he was at all times if I wasn't with him. Unfortunately, I know they already said the "I Love You," (although he said he didn't love her and that they just met) How could he have fallen in love with someone else so quickly? How could this girl, knowing we were engaged, tell him she loved him after one week? He told me about a month ago that it was a "shame" I knew this because it "could" be nothing. What the hell does that mean? Do you think this is a rebound relationship or did he break off our engagement and relationship because he already had a new one waiting? I sit here trying not to blame myself for what happened but eventually that's all I can do...The crying won't stop. It tears me up that he doesn't even care how I'm doing. I often wonder why he proposed. I know deep down that he will marry this girl...his time clock is ticking. It makes me feel as though he only proposed because he wanted children right away not to share his life with me. Now I am questioning whether he ever truly loved me and why did I waste sooooooooooooooooo many years of my life with this man. I loved him with all my heart and soul unconditionally. He had his faults, imperfections and annoyances but I looked beyond that. I am not perfect and I never expected perfection from him so why did he expect it of me? It hurts to know that we were never on the same page when it came to our love and devotion. I would never have walked out on him. I stuck by him through the worst of times but when I was having a bad time he couldn't deal. One of the reasons he gave me for the breakup was that he felt I didn't care...this coming from a man who is so emotionally detached and unaffectionate! Absolutely everything was initiated by me, everything! Instead of jumping into a relationship with another and wooing her why didn't he take the time to woo his fiance? Why didn't he take the time to work out our differences and salvage our relationship/engagement/our life? All it took was a little compromising and he was unwilling to do that...it was his way or no way! I bent over backwards for this man. I did everything and anything to put a smile on his face to make him happy but during our engagement is was a constant uphill battle with him...nothing pleased him!

I'm sorry for ranting but I am so hurt, so confused and for some reason I am trying to figure out excatly what happened...was he cheating, could he have fallen in love with another so quickly, is this nothing but a rebound? I know in my heart I could never be with him again but it still hurts!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2004
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 1:15am

Oh my god you poor thing. My heart goes out for you. Something similar just happened to me (though we weren't engaged, we were very committed and I felt like you felt) and like for you it hit me like a brick wall. I remain devastated. But it has been three weeks now and I have ceased crying every day. I count this as progress. I too would have done anything for my boyfriend --- I thought our relationship would last forever --- and then BAM it's over and there's someone else on his horizon. Makes you feel easily mourned, doesn't it? I know it makes me feel that way.

Please, please, whatever you do in these next few trying months remember that you are not easily mourned, no matter what his behavior or he says. Even though I don't know you what you wrote could have described myself. Don't denigrate yourself for what he has done to you. You are right, why did he throw away what you had for something else that could be nothing"? You would have gone to the ends of the earth for this man.

However: for the right man, you will not have to bend over backward, or go to the ends of the earth, or be anything but who you are without amplification or prettying-up or trying so hard.

And right now you don't want anyone but him. I know how that feels, I do, in a fresh and biting way.

But, if it's any hope or consolation, tonight I had a tiny tiny breakthrough. My ex (god I hate that term, I want to call him my friend who I used to date, because we remain friends) and I had a nice conversation on the phone like we frequently do. I enjoyed the conversation and the more open, friendlier dynamic (not having a relationship to maintain hanging over my head makes it easier for me to air my problems) and I instant messaged him to tell him I loved him and that I had enjoyed the conversation. Now, I tell literally almost ALL my friends that I love them all the time, so this is not weird, and I'm not trying to get back together with him (I have decided that I want to be with someone who wants to be with me more than anything in the world, which he evidently does not). But he didn't tell me he loved me back. Nooo. Because he thinks that if you say "I love you" too much that it loses its meaning and I HATE that. It was one of the things that I had reconciled myself to --- he wasn't perfect, but who is, right? But I had settled on something that really mattered to me, and that's different than accepting that people are not perfect. I would not be surprised if you have settled on some things that really matter to you too, but you have sacrificed them for his sake, for the sake of your relationship. And now it feels like he's throwing it in your face, doesn't it, all that you have done for him.

Just remember, you want someone who wants to be with you, who worships the ground you walk on, not someone who leaves you at the drop of a hat. You want someone who will look at the problems that you, like any couple, have, and want to work on them with you. You want someone who wants to grow with you, who cares and tries as hard as you do. This hurts like hell, I know. I would give you a hug if I could. But it is not so much a question of someone being perfect as of someone being perfect for YOU.

Let's pray these people exist, okay? (But I think they do. Lately I feel more certain.)

You know the drivel about "it will get better" blah blah blah and I know my saying it does not make it any better, because right now you feel more awful than anyone dreamed possible, and what good is a rosy tomorrow when it's raining today? So in the meantime please try to eat something each day, no matter what it is, and if you have insomnia like I did take an over the counter sleep aid (but not more than a dose, mind you) to help you sleep. A good night's sleep helps the healing so much.

My thoughts are with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2005
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 1:04pm

I'm sorry for what you're going through; I know how it feels; I'm going through the same thing.

My ex-girlfriend and I were together for 4 years, we had a "mutual decision" break a month ago. It was very tough on both of us, we were each others best friends, still, and we were both helping each other work through our remaining feelings--not trying to get back together but just being there for one another.

About three weeks into the break, she fell madly for another man, and stopped caring about how I was doing.

That's what hurts, that she stopped caring. Or at least seemed to.

What I try to remember is that I'm dealing with this breakup, she is distracting herself from it and trying to forget it. It doesn't mean that she doesn't care, maybe she was hurting more than me, and needed to find "something" to help her cope.

Or Maybe she truely meet "the one." If that's true, I can't reasonably be unhappy about it. I love her and want her to be happy.

That all said, I still cry every day. I can't talk to her anymore because we are in such different spaces, she sounds like the happy girl I fell in love with--that's really depressing because I've been missing that girl for years. Now that she's back, she's no longer available.

I'm sure things will work out for you, and when you meet your next love you'll already have dealt with your past--something your ex can't say.