Having a hard time, after all....(long)
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| Tue, 12-07-2004 - 11:34am |
Hi everyone,
I have posted here a few times, and the past few days have been unbearable, so I was looking for some advice/encouragement/kick in the pants :) My ex broke up with a little over two months ago. I say broke up, but to him we were not dating, so he sees nothing wrong. We were however dating, everything but the title. This summer was especially good, and I guess I let myself believe that after everything, maybe he was realizing me and his daughter were what he wanted. BTW we were best friends for a couple of years, and then he decided he was in love with me, and I wanted nothing to do with it. I loved him as a friend, but 1) didn't feel romantically towards him and 2) was not willing to sacrifice the friendship if things didn't work out. We discussed this for MONTHS, he cried to me that I should give us a chance, talked to me about what our life was going to be like when we were married and finally, against my better judgment I gave in. I just thought, maybe, everything I am looking for is really him, I mean he was saying everything I thought I wanted to hear. Well, very soon into our relationship, I became pregnant. He is younger than me (24 at the time while I was 28) and thought he would really freak out at the prospect of being a dad. He did have his little episode of taking off, but once that was resolved, he was there 100%. We never talked about marriage, I didn't want to. I wanted to get through the pregnancy and us being parents before we thought about adding any other stress. Well, three weeks after our daughter was born, he left. He said that he couldn't do it. His feelings had changed. Within two months, he was back, part time anyways and we went on for another year or so being together. He spent every night at my house, was at all family functions, etc. etc. Well, I decided that I wanted to know where things stood, because by this time, my feelings had grown immensely and he was what I wanted. I simply told him that if he didn't ever want to be married (which became his new "theme song") then I think that we should end things because marriage was something I wanted for my future. Not even necessarily him, but someday.
So, after that point, we went on being parents (not a very good father on his part, btw) and still "hooking up" quite often. He even told me he wanted to meet other people (girls) and live his life. He never did though. So, I guess in the back of my mind, I just thought he was trying to keep the distance between us while seeing where things went. This summer though, I woke up one day with this gnawing feeling that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Then it hit me, I loved him. For the first time in almost four years, I was really in love with him. I went to him and told him this, that my feelings had really changed (I never said I love you to him) and he told me that he still wanted to do his thing. I was okay with that. BUT, then he started changing. Coming around all the time, hanging out with our daughter and I when it wasn't required, we even became the other half of a foursome that always went out together. He would sleep at my house again (something he had refused in almost 2 years) and I was very, very happy. This was the man that I had loved as my friend. I didn't bring anything up, because I had decided this time, I was going to let actions speak louder than words. I mean, he even made plans with our friend for the four of us to go away on a golf weekend!!
Then it hit. I came home from class one night and since he was watching our daughter for my 7:30 am class, told him to just come back and sleep at my house after he went out. That's when he told me he couldn't anymore, he was sort of talking to someone else. Mind you, two days prior to this he had slept at my house!! Anyways, this was a girl he met at the local topless club (where she worked) and he really wanted to see where things went with her. Even after I told him that he would lose me forever, he said he hoped that weren't true, but this is something he had to do.
Now, two months later, they are in love. They spend every waking minute together, she even got fired from her job b/c she walked out of a shift to go meet him out. I am losing my mind a little. Obviously, the NC thing is not an option as we have a child together and have to talk for her sake. I really, really realize that he doesn't deserve me and I have to move on, but I hurt so bad. What was it about me that he was unable to commit to that he will give to girl? I know I could drive myself insane with the what ifs, but I can't seem to help it. I miss my friend sooooo much, and especially considering we got even closer over the summer, well, at least I did. I just think about the times he was so considerate and all the major things that we have been through together and I just want to cry. It kills me that I have invested so much time and effort into something that he is now investing in someone else. I secretly hope for their relationship to end, but it seems that she's a little twisted and will not leave his side for one second. But then I think that he'll get sick of it as he is a pretty private person and really cherishes his alone time.
I know what I need to do, but it is hurting soooo much again. When I feel good, and I feel like this IS the best thing that could have happened to me BAM out of nowhere I get hit with crippling sadness over it being over. I want to stop hurting and I want to be a whole person, for my daughter's sake. Not to mention, our very good friend is getting married in three weeks in the Dominican and I am going and so is he. The trip cost me almost $3,000. for me, my daughter and my mother and I can't get any money back. I am now getting sick to my stomach thinking that he will be there and I will not be able to cope.
Thanks to anyone who has taken the time to read this, I know it's long, but I hope someone has something to say, some words of wisdom. Anyways, Thanks again and good luck to all with their own heart aches. We will get through, I hope!!!

You know how the old saying goes "you can't make someone love you and feel something that they don't". It's sad to say, but in this case, it sounds like that's been your struggle with him all along. It sounds to me like he never really loved you or was ever in love with you. He obviously cared about you and at one point valued your friendship, but that's probably as far as it went for him.
You just have to let him go, concentrate on raising your daughter and if/when you do see him, just act as though everything is fine. My mom always told me to "kill them with kindness", and it's always worked for me (it goes both ways though, somehow I think all of my ex's mom's told them the same thing).
You deserve to find someone who will truly love you, but you've got to let him go and be open to that possiblity for it to happen.
Good luck and take care!
Give yourself some time and distance from him and you may have a change of heart. You're still very much in this situation to see it from the outside. I've been in relationships with guys that have come from "shaky" backgrounds, to put it gently. At first they seem pretty stable, but as time goes on, the influence their backgrounds have on them comes sneaking up on the relationship and eventually it takes its toll.
I truly believe that if things are meant to be, they will happen. But in the meantime, you just have to go on with your life, and be the best mom you can be to your daughter, the best friend you can be to your friends, and the best you can be to yourself.
Take care!
tabitamal77- So sorry to hear what you're going through. It really stinks, doesn't it? We are bound to these men, for the rest of our lives, and it is the worst thing ever. On one hand, we want them to be there for their children, but on the other hand, these are the people who have arguably treated us the worst anyone ever has. How do we rationalize that? I know, everyone says "fake it till you make it" and "kill them with kindness" but when does that actually happen? I try and for 99% of the time, I do it, but inside, it kills me. He does things that absolutely enrage me, like today is Thursday, and he is supposed to take our daughter tonight for me to go to class, but we have nothing set up and I still haven't heard from him. I have told him, very nicely, time and time again, that he needs to give me adequate notice when he wants to have her, which I said is at least 24 hours. There is no reason why he can't do this. He doesn't work at all and he does nothing but sit around the house with his gf 24/7. I know this is not my issue, but it still pisses me off that he seems to be putting her above even his daughter, who is supposed to be priority no. 1, or so he says.
The holidays are going to be tough, but we have spent a Christmas doing our own thing, so it won't really be that bad. I don't know what to tell you except try and keep yourself busy with your own family. I am lucky that my family is so supportive and love my daughter so much, so we always have plenty of visiting to do. It kinda helps to keep your mind off of things. Sort of. He has always been at our house though, Christmas morning to see her open her gifts, and I know I don't want that this year. Even buying the gifts is always something we have done together. Oh well, it's just another thing to get through and it sucks.
It is really sad to me that these men are able to "walk away" so easily. My ex thinks he is the best father in the world b/c he takes our daughter 1 or 2 days a week. Other than that though, when she cries for him at night, he's not available. If he's with his gf then he doesn't answer his phone. He lives at a friends house, who I have become very close with the family. My very best friend in the world lives in the upper apartment and her parents live downstairs. That is what is killing me, if he gets her at all for Christmas, that I will not be able to be there, and she will. Everyone there thinks it stinks, but what can they do? He thinks he's in love, and as I said before, this girl does not leave his side. I just feel like I don't belong anymore. That's what really is the hardest part.
Sorry, I got kinda side tracked, but I could type for hours. I hope you work things out and do what you need to do for you. All that matters for us now is our children and being the best moms for them that we can be. We need to remember about ourselves too. Take some time and take care of you, that's what I am trying to do. Good luck and let me know how things go! Take care and God Bless.