Having a hard time moving on

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Having a hard time moving on
6
Tue, 07-30-2013 - 8:26pm

For some reason, a month later, I am still having a hard time moving on. I feel extremely depressed. I am funtioning depressed but it isnt easy and whenever Im alone, all I can think about is him and why things went wrong.

We were together a little over a year. Its a little complicated but I will sum it up the best I can. A few months after we met, he mentioned he had a bad childhood and didnt talk to his dad for over 20 years. He would never go into much detail, would actually shut down if I asked him about it. I felt as it it was affecting our relationship though, because it was like there was an "elephant in the room" . That being said, we got along well overall but about 3months ago I asked him if he ever thought about marriage and children ( I am 33, he is 36). He said he really never thought marriage and children was something he wanted, althouhj "wasnt sure". To me, at age 36, you should know the answer to that. This convo led us to a break from each other to think (only a long weekend, 4 days) . We ended up talking after the long weekend, and decided not to make any rash decisons, as we both care greatly for each other, depsite our differnce in long term goals (marraige and kids). So 2 months later, we have broken up, on his terms, but somewhat mutaul due to all of the above.

Post breakup, I learned from his best childhood friend, he was sexually molested by his dad, who then went to jail. So I figured out the elephant in the room. His friend felt like he should tell me for closure purposes. My ex is so emotionally distant about the entire breakup, like he flicked a switch and one day was in love with me and the next day its like we were never together. Two weeks before we broke up he was searching for plane tickets for me to meet his entire family the next thing i knew we were done. I even saw him out, just days after the breakup with a girl he used to date (never anything serious w her).

Now that I know his past, I  understand some of his behavior is from that and that is how he deals with life but it isnt helping me any Its like I know not being with him is for the better, but how it all ended just baffles and confuses me so much. He lives fairly close by in fairly small town which doesnt help either. How do I move on?? Ive been trying to stay busy with family and friends as much as possible but still feel sad, especially at night when im alone. I thought one month later I would feel better.

How long has it taken for others to feel better? Why, If I know things wouldnt work in the long run (marriage and kids) cant I move on? Im just waiting for the day to find out he has a new gf Frown

I know he isnt right but still cant seem to move on....

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Sat, 08-03-2013 - 1:41pm

I'm glad to see you're smart enough to ignore the "spell caster" troll's post.  That is absolutely ridiculous!  Every so often they seem to come out of nowhere with their dumb ads.  It's annoying!

Anyway...I know you really don't want to, but it's best if you delete his number from your phone and "unfriend" him on Facebook. In fact, consider changing your number (I did after a breakup).  Never mind how you think he might react.  This can't be about him right now.  It has to be about you.  I mean, if you burned yourself badly on a hot frying pan, would you keep picking it up?  Of course not!  It's the same way with "no contact".  You can't heal if you keep ripping the scab off, plus you end up with a large, unsightly scar (figuratively speaking of course).  And you don't want to be "scarred" when you do eventually meet Mr. Just Right!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2013
Sat, 08-03-2013 - 12:54am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Wed, 07-31-2013 - 8:33pm

Hi Stillstanding-

Wow, another great response. I love this board. I appreciate your input on your own coping mechanisms related to your childhood. I think that is exactly what he does, but it sure seems confusing to me and makes me feel like he couldnt care less. Even though deep down inside I know thats why he copes the way he copes I still wish I had more "attention" from him.

As for me healing, Im doing the best I can for what Ive been dealt with. Im trying to remind myself that no matter how much or little I recieved from his end, its a relationship that will not work, regardless. I have had good days and bad, unfortunately more bad. i have been exercising which is my saving grace right now. I think what has made it more difficult for me is my age, 33, I want to get married and have children and feel like Im running out of time. Plus, many of my friends are engaged, getting married and having kids so I feel so far behind.

As for the no contact, it hasnt been seemless, but Im doing the absolute best I can. He contacted me on Sunday and initially i wasnt going to respond but I did, and in the end it set me back and made me feel worse. Hopefully I will learn from this. Its so strange though, he is on a "friend" level, which I dont get how you do overnight but Im not even close to there and cant contact him till I am there (which could be a long time or never for me).

Thank you so much for your advice. It makes me feel a little better to have permission to feel sad. I am guilty of looking at his facebook account :(

Not a good idea, i know. He doesnt post much, but I could drive myself nuts trying to figure out what he is doing and who he is with. I gave up driving by his house a few weeks ago, after my friend asked why I did it if it inflicted pain on me. Seems obvious! Im not used to having an ex so close by. It makes it harder. Looking back to a month ago, I have made the smallest amount of progress so I guess thats a positive.

I have a wedding coming up in a few weeks, he was supposed to go. That will be hard but I will try and turn it into a positive instead of a negative.

Thanks again ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Wed, 07-31-2013 - 3:55pm
I too had "bad things" happen to me when I was a child. What happened to me is I shut down so that I could survive. It's kind of like being in a coma...except your mind shuts down all processes not absolutely necessary for survival instead of your physical body. I've had an ex complain to me that I never showed any kind of emotion. He was probably right. I am so ingrained to pretend everything's fine that I still behave that way. Heck, I was just told my work hours are being cut in half, and all I said was "ok", even though I don't know how I'm going to make it financially! Anyway...that may be why he's showing no emotion over your breakup. And why he's never going to be who or what you need him to be. Aside from that, what are you doing to help yourself heal? I can tell you what will definitely NOT help...checking his Facebook or Twitter, driving past his house or work, speaking to him on the phone, texting "just to say hi", asking his friends or family about him, or communicating with him in any way. NO contact of any kind is essential. And one more thing...give yourself a break. Allow yourself to feel the sadness for a few minutes, then get up and DO something (and make sure it isn't taking out old pics of the two of you or checking his Facebook!) Call a friend, watch a film (NOT a rom-com or romance), get deep into a good book (again, no romantic stuff), go for a walk or run. But most of all, be kind to yourself. You're a good person and although it didn't work out with him, someday you'll be glad it didn't when you meet someone who IS right...and who doesn't have unresolved emotional damage. Also...it's not a "failed" relationship. IMO, a "failed" relationship is one that continues despite being obviously wrong. You "succeeded" in realizing he's not for you, which leaves you open to find the right one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Tue, 07-30-2013 - 10:20pm

Hi Music lover

Thank you very much for your response. I suppose your right, maybe Im expecting to feel better too quick. I tend to put timelines on things and a month ago I told myself I would feel better in a month. And here I am. i think you are right in that it is easier to get over someone who cheated or hurt me in a more obvious way. I also agree that child abuse is definitely a huge deal and can have a great impact on a person as an adult, especially if it goes undealt with, which in his situation it has. I guess sometimes I just feel like I wish I could have helped him but I think that is a problem beyond my help. Something he needs to acknowledge and deal with himself first before getting into relationships. I just dont seem to have any luck finding a good match. I am 33 and want to be married and have children, probably another reason Im taking this so hard. Just yet ANOTHER failed relationship.

thanks again for you input :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 07-30-2013 - 9:55pm

I don't think one month is really long enough for you to get over someone you dated for a year esp. because you didn't break up because he did something terrible or you didn't love him or found someone else--you probably do still love him but realize that this relationship had no future.  Plus when you're in a relationship you are used to being with someone in your free time--maybe you put doing things w/ other friends in 2nd place and now you don't know what to do with yourself.  Try to find things to do, call friends, spend time with family but realize it may take even a few months to feel like you're over him.  Just as an aside, my exH was molested by an uncle when he was a young teen I think and he was also physically & emotionally abused by his father.  I didn't meet him til he was over 40 and his father had been dead for years but I don't think he ever really recovered from that stuff--it's very difficult to deal w/ someone who has those kind of problems.