Having a hard time staying positive

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Having a hard time staying positive
6
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 4:12am

It's been over a month since my ex and I broke up. Since then I found out I am pregnant with our second child and it's making everything so much harder. I tried to do the sensible thing and end the pregnancy but after reading about abortions and what is done to remove the baby, I couldn't go through with it. In 2 weeks I'm moving over 700 miles away from my ex back to my home state. I'm quitting my job, health insurance, and financial security in hopes of getting my head together and focus only on myself and my kids. I'll be staying with my cousin and her husband and kids.

I feel so alone, scared and ashamed right now. How could I have let this happen to my life? I thought this guy really cared about me but in the end I see now I only fulfilled his need of having a companion when he needed one and making him a father. I'm such an idiot. What kind of man could leave a woman when she is pregnant with their child? With my first child he wasn't there for my pregnancy but showed up at the end asking for us to be a family and I let him back in my world. Now here I am a year later alone and pregnant again. No one says anything to him. His family sympathizes to me but they don't say anything to him at all. Not once had he even initiated an apology to me for the things he had done.

I don't want to have anything more to do with him or his family. Everyone keeps saying to me to let him see his kids. Why do I have to keep giving and giving to this guy and allowing him to get what he wants? I'm the one who will be raising his kids on my own while he is running free and single. I know him. He can't be alone and the first thing he is going to do is hook up with someone. I think he has already started actually. I want to find peace but I don't know how. I was laying in bed just now with my 7 month old daughter sleeping next to me and my mind drifted to me just ending it all and taking a bottle of pills. I know I can never do that to my daughter but how much more pain do I have to endure before finding peace and happiness in my life?

I'm praying my move will be the first step to building a new life.

Alison

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 4:00pm

Hi Alison (I love your ivillage name!!) I know how you feel sweetie, I was you 7 years ago. Too young, pregnant, and boyfriend left me. I was alone and sad and cried. I'll tell you what happened so maybe you will feel better... as far as him leaving you pregnant..> well mine came back and we got married and all was well right? WRONG, I fought to make everything perfect, and appear that we were the perfect family and I believed it for awhile too. But we were unhappy, he stayed because of the baby, and as honorable as that sounds, it doesn't work. He and I were too different (he was an alcoholic and spent all our money and hardly came home and I was a mommy trying to make ends meet and wondering how I fell backwards into life so suddenly) Well he left, and it was hard. I grew up so much that year, it was the longest year and hardest but looking back the most important year of my life. I was 24, and now I'm 28 and I've never been better. Now I have struggled and felt defeated at times, but good news is, I made it. AND without him or any child support. I've fallen in love and gotten my heart broke again...live and learn, and just recently I've met another man who has turned out to be 100% an angel, and we are finding love together. I know you are scared to move and do this by yourself, but you can get thru it, one day at a time. You might want his love and company and support but all he gives you is grief and heartache. Everything happens for a reason Alison, and you are meant to bring this new baby in the world to love more than anything. It won't be easy, but it will make you stronger in the end. Look to family and friends, or even this message board for encouragement, you are doing the right thing by moving on. And you know when you are the lowest, He is carrying you and you are never alone. My prayers are with you,

from someone who knows it WILL get better,
Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2005
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 7:37pm

Alison, did you read lilgrace76's reply?
I hope you did. Just when you think your situation is bad, someone else has been through something worse than your situation and is able to tell you the story! Grace has drawn strength from her situation to bring you up. You have NOT been through anything that God cant bring you out of, or that you could not handle. God has a purpose and plan for EVERYONE because He made EVERYONE!!
You may feel like you are down and out, but my God is not a down and out God. He is one of abundance, life, and joy.
I am going to tell you what you need to do. Dont sit at home sulking and worrying and feeling all down and out! You will rise! You ex wants you to be around town crying and feeling bad, he wants you to be depressed and sad and feeling like you are struggling.
GOD SAYS NOT SO!!! Know that you are strong and you will overcome! Draw strength from the fact that there are ladies on this board, who can tell you that they have been there and that they are doing fine and that they got over and through their situation! Draw strength from the fact that you are BLESSED with a child and one on the way that you can empower and that will empower you!! Pray and ask God to add peace and wisdom and understanding to your situation and to your daily life! Ask Him to fill you heart with joy that cant be explained! When you feel like you cant go on say out loud and to yourself " I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME!" Speak to your situation. If you say all the time you are a failure, guess what? You will be a failure! If you say all the time, you cant go on, guess what? You wont be able to go on. Dont let the devil stop you from having joy and peace in your life! You draw your strength from God becasue He is the only one who can help you through this! You ex will have lots of pleasure knowing that you are sad and all down....Dont let him no that!! You RISE! You RISE! You stand strong and stand firm! You speak to your situation and say "THIS WILL NOT LAST ALWAYS!" Pick yourself and your kids up and rise together and pray in and through your situation! Prayer changes things and you need to pray daily and consistently. We are Women and women are STRONG....
Alison, you will get over this as long as you believe you will, God has a purpose and plan for all of our lives, we just need to seek Him and ask what is, and He will bless you! He said it in his Word.

I draw strength everyday. I am strong today, even though I buried a friend of mine last Friday.

Blessed12005

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 9:07pm
Thank you Grace for your kind words. I hate that any woman has felt what I'm feeling now but it helps to know you understand what I'm going through. I'm fighting with everything I have to stay strong. You're right about my wanting to get married and making my little family complete kind of like you did. If I married him, it would end in divorce. He is not on the same level with me. My head knows this but my heart is having trouble understanding. :-) I think I need to begin to forgive myself for allowing this to happen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 9:33pm
I'm so sorry for your loss. I prayed so hard last night. I repeated the words "Lord heal my heart" about 50 times before drifting off to sleep. I let my faith in God take the back burner to my happiness centering around a man. I can't do that anymore. My ex claimed to be spiritual but he wasn't and we didn't follow God's plan. I can't and I won't give my heart and body away to another person that doesn't have strong beliefs and a true closeness to God. I'm going to keep my head up in front of him and his family and continue to pray like you so wisely said. It's so hard but I think deep down I know everything will be okay. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2005
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 9:57pm

Yeah sometimes, our hearts lead us instead of our minds...That is ok sometimes, but sometimes we should really think and put things into perspective...I put up some homework that may help you, I told everyone to title a page called your ex's name, on the left write pros and on the right, write cons... then go down the list and list all the pros and cons of your ex. Sometimes we forget and lose sight of the situation we are in because we as women are so emotional. I did a list for my recent ex and I had more cons than pros. Was i surprised? Not really, we have all stayed with a guy just because, and he maybe was not what we really wanted. But we dont like to be alone, this is okay too, but we should not settle. We are queens! Queens!! We dont need any mess from men.
Continue to seek God and pray every chance you get.... Seek Him because YOU want to. He will help you get through this..

Blessed1

Avatar for digitalsolstice
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 6:50am
You will be ok. You're in my prayers. Don't feel so bad. Your children need you. They are not burdens. I wish with all of my heart I had children, think of them as blessings to you. This man is just a jerk. You will be ok. Your heart is broken and you're scared and confused. But in time, I promise things will get better. What doesn't break us makes us stronger. Know you are not alone! Know that!
God is there, call out to him, and ask him for help. He may not answer your prayers in the way you think he will, but he will supply you with what you need and help you.
Just know you are not alone, you have God and you have us. Keep yourself busy and just be happy about your little one on the way! It may seem so stressful and scary, but you have a wonderful life growing inside of you, someone that needs and depends on you. How wonderful is that? Someone that you can love unconditionally and will love you back.
You are blessed, even though this man hurt you, you don't need him! You don't deserve that!
Prayer does work, you just need to believe and have faith! Cry out in your deepest time of need! You are not alone.