having a hard time tonight

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
having a hard time tonight
16
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 8:01pm

I'm posting here tonight instead of contacting my ex. Thank you Sheri and others whose past encouragement helped me not contact my ex after my gaffe a couple weeks ago of sending him a book that I (mistakenly) thought would be helpful.

My head knows I need (a) time, (b) no contact, and (c) acceptance that we weren't right for each other to move on. Time and no contact are on track, I guess, but part (c) just ain't coming along.

I keep replaying stories of married friends who had at least one breakup with their spouse before marriage... I keep imagining that my ex (as Erin (doubleblade) has repeatedly tried to explain to me) just wasn't interested in a real relationship, may get to the place of wanting one...and then come back to me because we are compatible in so many ways.

Part (c) is so hard to get to because so many people around us saw our contentedness with each other, our relaxed happiness together, our similarities, etc, and believed we were on the road to marriage.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 2:22pm

I wish I knew how long it would last. I can say that my prior breakup took a solid 9 months to heal from (after roughly 3 on-off years with him). Now I am 1000% healed from it, would never ever go back, even wonder how I was attracted to that man in the first place. My guess is that this 6-month relationship will take another couple of months for me to move on from, but in this case I'm not sure I'll get to the place of "whew, thank GOD we didn't end up together!" the way I did with my ex.

The end played out as follows with my ex: his withdrawing behavior over the month of December caused me to suggest a 2-week break in January so he could get his head together. I had tried to talk to him once about what was going on, and all he could tell me at the time was that he was trying to take a step back and think "objectively" about our compatibility. I asked if his feelings changed; he said no. I asked him to be straight with me, that silence was hard, that I felt like I was on probation, that he couldn't make a mistake by talking about whatever it was.

He was surprised at my suggesting the break ("what if I want to call you?") but ultimately went along with it. Two weeks later, he had apparently told his best friend from college that he was looking forward to seeing me again. Then he got called to NYC right away on business and it was another 10 days before we saw each other. That's when he lowered the boom: "you have the resume of the kind of woman I'm looking for...I don't know why I don't feel more, but I feel more friendship toward you than anything else." Wanted to be friends. To which I said "you mean you want us both to date other people but still hang out?" to which he fumbled around and said that maybe his feelings would change again...he didn't know, but right now this is what he's feeling.

I cut things off at that...didn't ask whether the friendship thing was a standard BS line or if he was actually confused about his feelings. Now I wonder if I should have, though I suppose if that's the case he could always call to clarify. And he hasn't.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 7:17pm

If you're going to quote me, please do so more accurately ;-). Him deciding you're not right for each other is NOT the same as him simply deciding you're not compatible. "Right for each other" includes a WHOLE lot more factors. Compatability is only one of the factors he may have focused on. He's the only one who knows what made him decide that the two of you are not right for each other.

But the bottom line is, someone who is right for YOU would not have ended the relationship. That is what you need to focus on in order to get to acceptance. I've found that practicing thought-stopping whenever fond memories of the r'ship and "why" come into my head, and substituting something along the lines of "he made his decision, I don't know why but he can't be right for me if he decided to end things", work for me. But acceptance definitely only comes at the end of the process and it can't be rushed. All you can do at this point is *work on* acceptance, and let time and no contact do their work.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 10:37pm
Hang in there, girl!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 10:39pm
If you can, try your best to limit the amount of people your asking for advice. Take it from me, I asked so many people about this and that, and the relationship, that it left me more confused about me then the relationship. My good friend told me, STOP asking for advice from too many people, you'll get 20 different solutions, and those 20 solutions, just leave you confused. Limit it to no more than 3 people, if you can. ACtually two is the best. Take it from me, it's the best thing to do, and no matter what your advice is, your going to make the final decision in any life changing events. Take care
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 11:21am
you are so very right. every one does have a different opinion, so no wonder i'm pulled in so many directions. but, whenever i tell someone (a work acquaintance, a hair dresser, etc) that my boyfriend and i broke up they throw their 2 cents in. and, i never know what to tell them. i can't say, "my boyfriend was seriously depressed and withdrew from me so i couldn't stand it anymore..." if i say simply, "it didn't work out" people say WHY -- you guys were doing sooo well!! (b/c people saw us happily together -- even at my work -- for the past year). so, what's a blanket statement i can give that is a satisfying enough answer but doesn't lead to someone's opinion and judgment? THANKS!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 12:43am
You can always tell people, that I choose not to discuss the relationship. It didn't work out, and I'm trying to move on with my life, so right now I don't want to discuss it. Good and nice people should respect that. But you will have those that want to try and pry something out of you, so those people, ignore them, and pretend like they heard what you said originally. I'm good at ignoring people, so that's how I control my situations like that. Let me know how it works, I'm dying to know. Take care

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