having a really hard time
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having a really hard time
| Fri, 05-06-2005 - 9:17am |
I posted on here a few weeks ago, and things haven't gotten any better. Here's my story again. I dated this guy for just over a month. I know that's not a very long time, but we were pretty serious really quickly. Well, he just stopped talking to me. I live about and hour and half from where he is right now, but I'm moving to the same town as him in three weeks (not because of him though, for school). I've called him and he won't answer or return my calls. So I e-mailed him and he finally wrote me back, and promised to call me that same night. Of course he didn't. Then I got really upset and sent him a kinda mean e-mail saying he wasn't who I thought he was and he broke my heart... He wrote me back again and said that he was really busy at work and was bad at relationships, but he would make it up to me and call me within the next two nights. That of course didn't happen either. I got his last e-mail over a week ago, and now he won't respond to any e-mails or phone messages. I know that I need to just get over him and move on, I deserve better.. yadda yadda yadda, but it's a lot easier to say than to do. I just want to know what's going on. I called a friend of mine (who I met through him and is dating his roomate). and asked her if she knew anything, but this was probably about two or more weeks ago. She said that she didn't and then the guy told me not to call her and leave this between us. I really want to call her again and see if she knows anything now, but I don't know if I should. I know that I should just be able to move on knowing that he's not the right guy for me, but I think that I'd move on better if I knew why and how he can just stop talking to me. I really need help. I cry all the time and feel worthless, but I don't have anyone to talk to, so it all stays pent up inside me. Please give me any help that you can.

I just posted something similar, but also different. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm a pretty mature woman who has been through many types of relationships in the last 10 years. But, let me tell you, the pain of a broken heart never changes. What does change, though, is the maturity in learning how to deal with it and taking care of yourself (unless you don't work on yourself and go from breakup to breakup without therapy, reading books or really exploring yourself and your wants and needs and esteem).
Last week, after a few days following being dumped, I finally received an email from the man who dumped me. It was like he threw a bone to a dog because I suddenly became overwhelmed and felt I MUST ACT now! I tried to call both his numbers- of course he didn't answer. Why would he? He ended it with me. So, I got in my car and drove to his house because I felt he owed it to me to look me in the eye and tell me to my face that he really didn't love me. The house was dark so I left. I came home and luckily had my mom on the computer so I revealed to her what I had just done. She helped me out a lot in seeing that my ex was obviously hiding out and running away from our relationship and that no amount of pushing or prodding was going to change that. In fact, she noted, it would only serve to push him away more. So, I made a conscious decision right there to stop my groveling and give him the space he was obviously seeking. I wrote notes all over my computer to remind me not to try to contact him again. They say: "don't do it", "refrain", "stop!!", and "be strong- you are beautiful." Every time I log on, I see those notes and I have gone without emailing or calling for a full week now. No man wants to get back with a woman he sees as being emotionally needy and the more you choose to contact him, the more needy you appear. It's sooooo hard, yes I know that. But I also know that I gave my heart fully and that I cannot solve whatever issues he has that has made him afraid of that. I take each day at a time. The first few days I took one breath at a time. I reached out to any one I could in my life who I thought could be supportive. I have not heard from my ex since his last email a week ago but I believe I have done and said everything I could to let him know my feelings. There is nothing more I can do. My mom sent me a quote the other day at work when I was having a hard time. It said," letting go does not mean you stop caring, it means you realize you can't do it for the other person." I have not stopped caring or missing him so much. I still don't understand how he could give up what we had, but I know that I must keep my dignity throughout all of this and groveling does not help my esteem or dignity. Yours either. We will get through this.
Excellent post, so very well said. We gotta let go , with our dignity, and as graceful as possible. To the OP, It's so hard, but try and wrap your head around the fact that THEY ARE NOT PINING OVER US. They know how we feel, how we love them so, and would go back to them if they gave us half a chance. Now, realizing that they don't sit around writing about how much they love us and are so confused, should be the kicker that we are wasting our time. However it doesn't really work like that. Of course we still love, miss and analyze and cry over the lost love.... the one that got away. But we have to come to terms with the reality, we loved, we tried, they didn't feel the same, and there is nothing I can do about his feelings. We are going to be ok, we will survive, matter of fact, we WILL love again, but we can't until we completely accept the fact that they are not the ONE. This sounds so harsh and matter of fact, and truth is I'm sitting here wondering why I still have thoughts of my ex. I *know* all the realitys, the cliche's, and the thought-stopping techniques, and I pray to just let it all go, but it does hurt. Why I felt so connected and he didn't? But we don't always get what we want, when we want it, and I whole heartedly believe that I am being looked after, and there is something better out there for me.
Please don't call or email this guy, after you begin to heal, you will realize just walking away is the best thing to do. You can't make him see how wonderful and cool and amazing you are, you will only be seen as crazy and psychotic. Of course you are not, but have you been after him longer than you were even together? Thats when I finally realized how out of control I had become, I took a 4 month relationship, and pined over it for the next year and a half. Not my finest moments, but I've learned that last letters, last undying love text's, last anything just left me flat on my face. We don't need closure from them, we need loving friends/family to cry on, get it out, that horrible rejection, and then look up for brighter days and cuter guys to crush on. Lots of hugs, and sorry for the tough love, best wishes,
Grace.
I can't wait for it to get here because I have a feeling it's going to be sooo helpful. Anyone else read this book?