Having a really hard time today

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Having a really hard time today
31
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 11:34am
I having a really hard time today! It's day 12 of our break. We went 7 days with NC and then he called b/c he missed me. But no effort has really been made since. I can't stand this anymore. I can't stand not knowing what he is doing or what he is thinking. I feel completely abandoned! The anxiety is killing me! Everything was perfect and then BOOM he freaks out! I just don't understand "space" and "breaks" I have tried to the last 12 days but I just don't. You either want to be with someone or you dont. I mean after 12 days you would think he would know what he wanted to do! I think this is horribly mean and I'm starting to hate him for it! Can someone talk me down from this????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 12:13pm

Hi little_one8 -

OMG I understand your frustration!!

IMO I think he's comfortable with his situation of not seeing you for a while and you definitely aren't. YOU know that you want to be with him and you just want him to make up his mind so you can move on with it. But he does NOT know. Boys just get CONFUSED.
True - if he wanted to be with you, he would be with you right now. But he's going through his stuff and it's dragging you down.

I wouldn't call/text/email/contact him in any way. I saw your last post where you said you werent going to wait around and were going to act single. good for you. It eats you up inside to wait for someone who is in a confused state of mind.

Don't wait for him for you to make your own decisions. Make your own decisions on how you want to deal with this. Tell him not to contact you at all until he's figured himself out.

Or .. give him another week and if he hasnt made any choices, I would say, sorry I can't wait around anymore. It's basically obvious by then that he's not ready to be with you.

It stinks, and I'm sorry you have to go through this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 12:19pm

Hello again,


You are obsessing about him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 12:25pm
I'm just so confused! He told me in a text that one of the reasons he left was to see if he would be happier. I asked if he was and he said NO. Literally a week before he left he bought me a $400 gift. Does that sound like something someone would do if they are thinking they don't want to be with you? I have been real strong with the NC thing. It was only after he psycho called me Saturday that sent a text and made a call. He said he missed me so much it made him feel good to hear my voice. I have no intention of making any contact with him at this point. And even though you tell yourself that you are going to move on deep down you know you are still waiting for them. I'm so tired of checking my phone to see if he has called. I feel so rejected and abandoned. I hate this!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 12:30pm
Yes I know I am giving him so much power and that makes me so mad at myself! I know that only I am responsible for my happiness. Not him! But when I feel this bad I'll do anything to make it go away even if it's the wrong decision for me. I'm not sure he is the one for me but I love him and miss him. I just want to feel good again and I know that I will. Talking and writing about it makes me feel better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 12:49pm

Write any time you need to.


Consider reading: Are You the One for Me? by Barbara DeAngelis




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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 1:52pm

Boys can be SO confusing.

One time, my ex-boy was so excited making plans for us to spend time togther for one weekend in august. And he never makes plans! So I was so happy he wanted to do something. And then soon after he started feeling all weird about us and went back to being confused. He would do that, one moment he would confess that I was everything he ever wanted and another moment he said he was freaking out.

Your boy probably WANTS to believe he wants to be with you but then is also conflicted with another feeling of, maybe this relationship isnt what he wants.

He is happy with you, but maybe he's one of those guys that always is curious about what else is out there. Why wait for someone who doesnt think you're good enough for him now??

It does suck to keep checking your phone to see if there's a missed call or a text from him. I've gone through that as well and I had all this anxiety built up.
But there certainly has to be more in your life that you can occupy yourself with. Watch a movie, go shopping, talk with your friends and family.

He's dragging you through his own emotional rollercoaster.

I would say just try to keep on resisting the urge to call him or check your cellphone. Hold on a little longer. Occupy yourself all day. Make sure you're always doing something. Maybe even leave your cellphone at home for a day. Try to take your mind off of it. Take some of your power back.

Sorry you have to go through this! :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 2:00pm
Thanks! I'm hangin in there the best I can. My sadness is turning into anger which is a good thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2007
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 2:08pm

Hello little one. I can totally feel your pain. My ex and I had a 2 week break that made him realize he wanted a "break up" and thats where we are now. We live together so it is twice as difficult to deal with because i have to relocate (I cant afford our apt on my own and i am staying with my grandma).
All I can advice you to do during the break is start thinking "break up". As painful as it is start thinking about moving on now so you can cope if things turn out that way. Don't contact him so you dont feel unwanted. Just see if he comes around. You can keep the secret hope but start thinking about moving forward in your life. Remind yourself that you deserve and want someone who is sure about you. Not someone who needs time to decide if you are the one for him. He should be so lucky.
It hurts I know. For me a make over has helped too. I am trying a whole new look and really avoiding over eating, trying to get a little exercise. Looking great does help. Even if he does not see it you will. It also helps to read. I am reading a lot of Vonnegut right now. He deals with the difficulties of life in such a colorful way. I hope it helps. Feel free to contact me if need be. I am on the 4th week of my break up and it's excrutiating but i am trying to remind myself that i dont just want the one i love but i want to be wanted by the one i love. I deserve to be as loved as i am loving and so do you!

XO

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 2:29pm
Hi Warriorcandy,
Yes I have been trying to live life this week as if we are breaking up. I told him on the phone the other night that I couldn't do this anymore and that I was going to start living my life as if I'm single. He psycho called me and left voice messages saying "We are not broken up" He sent a text to me the other night saying "I just watched Big Brother : ( " We always watch that together. Why torture me with messages like that? He asked for the break so why does he keep contacting me? And yes I think the most painful part of this is me knowing the reason he called for the break/space is because he didn't know what he wanted. It's so painful when you are so in love with someone and YOU know you want to be with him and just one day out of nowhere he tells you he feels different. It hit me like a mack truck! He was living with me too so there are memories everywhere I go in the house. I'm trying to do whatever I can not to be there right now. Thanks for the support. I know I'll get through this I just don't know when. Sorry you are going through it too. You can message me too if you need to vent. : )
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 10:16pm

I remember this one friend of mine. Her very first break up. It took her 17 months, 17 of the WORST months I'd ever seen, to break up. And when I mean the worst 17 months, I mean it was bad for her, me, and everyone she came in touch with. Bad for her because she was sitting on this relationship limbo because her boyfriend wanted to be on 'break', but continue contacting her. Bad for me because break up was pretty much a forgone conclusion that everyone could see but her, except she wouldn't listen. It was like watching her J-walk across a busy street at rush hour, over and over again, thinking this time nobody would hit her. At the end of it, I wanted to shake this guy until he broke up with her so we could all just let it RIP.

Anyways, my point is.. she looks back and laughs about how much time she wasted on this guy, but we all learned one important lesson from this nightmare. Less painful to move on. And guys don't make up their mind until they need to. They're just sort of happy on this cloud of limbo that is hell for the other party. And, sorry to say, your relationshps reminds me a lot of hers. And I was standing right beside her when he went to meet her at the bus stop, and tell her he missed her with his puppydog eyes. I was the one that had to pick up the pieces when she cried over the phone at 2 am in the morning and wanted to kill herself after he said he needed 'space'. It was ugly business. But the more she dragged it on, the more painful it become. And the rub of it all was...these 17 months were more of a "cushion me in my break up loneliness" for her ex. When he found a new girlfriend, the rubberband effect finished.

My advice is...DON'T DO THIS TO YOURSELF. You know why 'space' is always good advice for sorting out feelings? Let's quote an example. This ex of yours, whenever he needs to pay for something, money appears in his pocket. He's never going to realize the VALUE of that money until one day he reaches in...and it's not there anymore! And he's either going to decide, hm...I need to get this money back...or I can live without it. But that won't happen until he calls.....and nobody picks up. He messages when he needs you...and nobody responds...

If you keep appearing in his pocket, he's going to be pretty happy where he is.

I cannot stress this enough. If his first line is not "God i screwed up majorly, take me back", it's nothing. It means "I'm lonely. I don't want you, but you're better than nothing". don't pick up the phone.

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your

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