Having a really hard time today

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Having a really hard time today
31
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 11:34am
I having a really hard time today! It's day 12 of our break. We went 7 days with NC and then he called b/c he missed me. But no effort has really been made since. I can't stand this anymore. I can't stand not knowing what he is doing or what he is thinking. I feel completely abandoned! The anxiety is killing me! Everything was perfect and then BOOM he freaks out! I just don't understand "space" and "breaks" I have tried to the last 12 days but I just don't. You either want to be with someone or you dont. I mean after 12 days you would think he would know what he wanted to do! I think this is horribly mean and I'm starting to hate him for it! Can someone talk me down from this????
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 8:37pm
I echo your hard day. This week I am vacationing with my family in the Caribbean and I remember EVERY MINUTE that he was supposed to me here with me. It sucks. I am trying to blame my swollen eyes on lots of water time but I know the truth. Our official one year is September 4th (for this run--unofficial two year is in November). So many dates, so many plans, so much change. All while he calls it a "break" and insists he loves me and wants to marry me (irony: just not sure he wants to date me right now).
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 9:18pm

I'm not experiencing your hard day, but I remember what I was like when I had what Delphine Hirsch (I think) calls "loss of a vision of the future". It REALLY REALLY stinks. But take heart, it can only go up from where you are. The initial loss and feeling was really bad, but gradually it gets better.

And best part is, in a few months, you'll look back and go "gosh, I was happy I went on that holiday, even if he wasn't with me" It's a good feeling that you don't NEED him to go do the things you want, even though it would have been nice to have him there.

cheers
Susanna

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 10:29pm

I think its been a really bad day for a lot of us. Do you ever find yourself thinking of him (as he is now) and thinking who is this person? Where is the person that I love? I find myself thinking that A LOT. And it sucks.

I also and getting more and more angry at the NC. The first few days its hard and it hurts, but with each and every additional day of NC I get more angry because I think about Greg's line from the break up section of He's Just Not That Into you and like the other, to paraphrase, he says "This is a guy who is CHOOSING EVERY DAY to NOT BE WITH YOU." And I think the same thing about NC because we didn't SAY we were gonna have NC, I just stopped calling and texting him first. So I think he is choosing every day to not call, not care how I am or what I'm doing. And as Greg says, if he's not calling you its because you are not on his mind. :( Thanks Greg. Making it black and white instead of gray once more.

As much as I know I deserve more, I am having a HELL OF A TIME moving on. My mom is angry with me at home I'm acting I know because I told her I"m not ready to move on. She says its doesn't matter if you're ready or not you have to, like a 9 month old woman who's pregnant it doesn't matter if she's ready the baby is coming. I think to some extent it does matter though. But I think the thing that I'm getting mixed up is that I'm thinking moving on is giving up on me and him which doesn't necessarily have to be true. But probably to expedite the process I probably have to make it appear as such ...

Man ladies what a week ...

Lisa

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 10:53pm

My Emoticion is TO HIM not you. LOL. (Actually it is too all of these dumb guys who can so easily walk away from a good thing)

I finally have stopped crying. I know that we Have to move on because We are worth it and HE obviously has so there you go! I think that for myself I am finding myself more angry than hurt. Like Greg says: He is choosing EVERY DAY not to be with you. That is not my choice, but HIS.

My stuff is still there, we threw out his. I have a new car payment (I needed something dependable for my commute) and I have no space to store the stuff and can't swing a storage fee. I have to save save save so I can get a better place. Where I am now was only supposed to be until we were married in December.

To go back to that Book... I think we need to move on anyway so that we are strong and more confident about what we want for our lives. If in the future our Ex Guys realize that they have made a HUGE mistake and want us back, we have to be strong enough to not crumble and fall right back into their waiting arms. They betrayed us, they need to Work at getting us back. If this is what they really want, they will do that work. On the other side is the very real possibility that someone else out there is more deserving of our love. We need to be strong for this too.

I have learned a lot through this ordeal. I have more tools/knowledge for the next relationship whether that be with HIM or someone else.

But this really Hurts. I can't wait for this day to end. Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 11:22pm

I applaud you girl you are being stronger than I am. You are taking some great steps to healing and that is awesome. You are rebuilding life as you.

I'm not sure what it is I can't get over ... I think its the disappointment and anger, but I have to find a way.

The book is awesome. I just need to put it to use more often. I don't know if I'm wanting to prove Greg wrong or what but I guess I should go back and read some of those letters before I do that ... LOL. You always just think that this is the one thats different ... but I really thought he was. I really didn't think he was the typical guy. Will I ever get over this disappointment and anger at how he let me down and is choosing every day to not be with me?

Lisa

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 8:22am

I didn't think my guy was a typical guy either. I think that is why I hold onto that hope as well. I am just not sure where to "file" those feelings until this is all resolved one way or the other. I am not any stronger than you Hon. I am lucky because I have a GF in her 60's who has known me for 23 years. When I was 18 and met her, she was going thru a divorce and all of that so she has already walked my path before me. She e mails me a lot and we go for lunch and she encourages me and even scolds me when I wallow in too much self pity. I have friends who I have leaned on, even my Ex Bf's Best friend. I am friends with him & his wife and they are very disappointed that this happened. I spent a day over there with as little EX BF talk as possible and that took a lot, believe me. I was never at their house with out my EX Bf.

My Ex's best friend has told me the same advice as my women friends. He said he hopes that EX BF comes around but if he doesn't, I need to go on. If he does, I still need to go on. He also said that nothing attracts them more than a secure confident woman. He also said that guys have their own demons and it is nothing to do with us.

My EX used to tell me himelf that he wasn't like other guys and he really wasn't. He was so Romantic. People in restraunts would often ask us if we were on our Honeymoon...that is how in to each other we were. Maybe we just couldn't handle "real life" together. I don't know.

Sorry for rambling but the botom line is force yourself to go on. Allow the tears when you have to but fill your brain with positive thoughts. I recite positive quotes to myself even at work when I feel like I will lose it. I tell myself "It wasn't you..he will look back and regret this and I will have moved on...There is a big world out there and I deserve to be in it. " I am Acting positive evn when I am not feeling it if that makes any sense.

Be something different and you will attract something different. Even if that person that you attract is your Ex again some day, you don't want the same, you want different.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 10:39am

Hey girl,

You sound a lot like me. Thank you for the ideas and encouragement. I agree, I don't know where to file my feelings of hope either. I have friends and family that I have leaned on but I think I have worn them all out because this on again off again with me and him has been going on since we broke up 2 1/2 months ago. They are worn out listening to me cry and not being able to move on. So I'm more on my own now and I know what to do I'm just having a hard time doing it. Its really nice to hear that you've had such a nice support group and people who have given you great advice.

Thank you for sharing your stories too. I too, became friends with his best friend and his wife. At first, when we first broke up they were very supportive and said they'd be there for me if I wanted to talk. I never really asked them about him just for general advice. Since this latest downturn however they aren't returning my messages so I don't wanna push. I think they are as confused as I (because he is hardly spending any time with them either) so maybe they don't know what do say.

I was thinking as I had a long drive to work today and I think the reason why I am having a hard time again right now is that I feel like I was broken up with all over again. The actions and words of late are reminiscent of what happened right after we broke up.
I just keep worrying that I've ruined things for good but I know I can't. And I keep wanting to talk to try to fix it, but I know nothing I say is going to say as much as my silence and my actions of reforming my life.

I too and trying to repeat things to get the negative thoughts out of my mind. Its a trap though I thought about nothing but him the entire drive today. Grr! I doubt he is doing the same thing, why can't I stop?

Lisa

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 5:00pm

Hi everyone!
Reading all the posts on here has helped me so much! It really lets me know that I am not alone in this. Your situations all sound very similar to mine and your feelings about this seem similar to mine.

I miss the guy I fell in love with. Those are the memories I'm holding on to right now and what is causing so much pain. When he started freaking out a few weeks before he left I was like "who is this guy?" He was being so mean and distant. He was doing things that he had never done. His behavior changed completely. It was absolutely heart breaking! He told me the day he moved out that the guy I feel for was gone and he didn't know why. He needed this space to go and find him again and figure out where he went. He was saying all this while crying. That broke my heart too!

He is staying with his best friend and wife. I was hoping that they could talk some sense into him. I like the wife very much but we are not close enough that I would call them. She has my number and I have wished she would call me but she hasn't.

Tomorrow is two weeks and I'm losing hope everyday that he is gone!

I hope all of you are having a better weekend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2007
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 11:12pm

Hi girl! I'm having a really hard time today as well. Wish I had the words to make you feel better. Went through a terrible breakup recently, and the situation was rather similar, but the whole "I don't know what to do" lasted for about two years. Long story, but the point is, if he's all confused about his feelings, things are not going to be easy for you. Few months ago, I would've told you to wait and be patient (that's what he told me, we were going to get married!!!) but that is unfair to you. Keeping a relationship like that can hurt even more if you stay.
Try to let go, you deserve someone who wants to be with you: no doubts!

G.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2007
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 12:21am

I'm on day 9 and have definitely had some very bad days as well. Been doing a lot of online reading for support and found a few things that really helped though at first I was skeptical...thought I'd share:

1) Make a written list of all the things you didn't like about him...anything and everything from the small and silly (e.g., his ugly sandals) to the big ones (e.g., he wouldn't ever hold my hand) to the simply annoying (e.g., he's really shy). At first, it may be hard or just feel stupid, but after you're done (I got up to 156) it makes you realize that he wasn't perfect...he wasn't the man of your dreams... I'm not saying I don't still miss him terribly, but writing the list got me out of fantasizing how he was the best man ever and that no man could ever measure up. It makes you see him as he really was, not as how your aching heart tricks you into thinking he was.

2) Make a written list of all the necessary qualities you want in a man and all of the nice to haves. This helps you when you do get back into the dating scene...only date guys that have all of the necessary qualities. This prevents you from making stupid mistakes hooking up with the next guy on a rebound and makes you feel empowered and know that at some point you will move on and start dating again.

3) Exercise. Exercise. Exercise. Every time you feel really bad, every time you wanna call him. I hate to exercise, but took this advice. I have not only lost some weight, but I actually feel better after...whether it's a long work-out session or just a 10 min walk. Endorphins are a powerful and natural antidepressant.

Stay strong!