Having a strange night...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Having a strange night...
14
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 2:17am

For the first time in awhile, I'm not feeling that great...

My ex and I broke up in May (long story--if you really want to know, read my other posts), and I've been posting on this discussion board since September. It's been a long, painful journey for me. I've struggled with the breakup, with my ex having a new girlfriend, with trying to be his friend, and finally, with letting go of him. I've made some very important realizations about both my ex and myself since it all began, and I really do believe that I am coming out of this a much better and stronger individual. I am becoming quite happy and content with the person that I am...and it feels wonderful :)

I haven't tried to contact my ex in over two months. That's a long time for me...I used to try and get ahold of him all the time, even though he would usually just ignore me. But I wrote him that one last e-mail in November (telling him it was the last time he would be hearing from me and not to contact me again either), and haven't contacted him since. He has contacted me twice since then...one was a text, the other time was just an IM. I ignored them both.

Neither of his contact attempts meant anything, and I no longer have the false hope that he wants to get back together or to even be my friend. And I do NOT want to get back together with him--I know that he has not treated me with the respect that I deserve. We have very different morals--he has cheated, lied, and been extremely manipulative. I could never trust him again. Because of all this, I know that we could never be friends either. Quite frankly, the thought of being intimate with him again (even on a purely emotional/mental basis) makes me want to throw up. It amazes me to think that we were once so close...then again, we both managed to keep a lot of ourselves hidden (we were long-distance). It's hard to determine what was real and what wasn't, and I guess in the end it doesn't really matter--right? Now it's as if he's this complete stranger, a very distant part of my past. Sometimes I still feel a bit regretful that we can't at least be friends, even though I know he isn't somebody that I want in my life. He isn't who I thought he was, and he will never be that person...instead, he's somebody that I don't care for. I don't have the desire to talk to him, or to even know him anymore. I can think about him and his girlfriend without feeling jealous, or sad. Sometimes it seems like our relationship happened forever ago...a lot of the memories I have of it, both good and bad, are slowly fading.

So why am I feeling so down tonight? I know that everyone has their weak moments, and I know that part of the reason is because I am still working out my insecurities. But I'm feeling pretty lonely and nostalgic right now. I think I'm well on my way to getting over this breakup and to being healed...but at the same time, I wonder if I'll ever really recover from it. I'm not trying to sound dramatic; I know that I'm young and still have lots to experience...but do you ever really get over someone? Even if you're secure within yourself, meet someone else, etc...do you ever truly get over somebody that you loved?

Of course, I can't say that I still "love" my ex. I miss him a lot sometimes...but other times, I'm so damn relieved that he isn't in my life anymore. I think I've become a lot happier without him--something a friend even pointed out to me the other day. He wasn't healthy for me and I know that. I also know that I deserve better, and I don't doubt that I will fall in love again someday. Right now I'm just having a great time being single and concentrating on myself. But sometimes I have these moments where I wonder if I'm ever going to fully heal. I know I'm being silly and I'm sure a lot of you will confirm this...I mean, look at all the people in the world who have fallen in love, lost it, and found it again! I guess it's just difficult to remember that at times...

Maybe part of the reason I feel kind of sad tonight is because I was watching a football game today--the Atlanta Falcons vs. the Philadelphia Eagles. I'm sure you all know that the Superbowl is coming up...and at this time last year, my ex and I were still together and actually in a quite happy point of our relationship. He was the one who got me into watching football...and I guess that just makes me feel a little nostalgic. I can't seem to watch it without thinking of him...especially since the Eagles will be playing in the Superbowl this year. He lives in Pennsylvania and is a HUGE fan of them. I guess that's probably why I've been thinking about him a lot more than usual.

I know I should just block his screenname and phone #"s and be totally done with it. But I guess I'm not completely ready for that yet...one reason being that I really don't know if it's necessary. A part of me isn't convinced that I've heard the last of him...but then again, there's not much else to say and I think he's figured out that I'm not going to respond. I'm also not worried about me contacting him again...I told him I wouldn't anymore, and I won't. I guess it just hasn't hit me that this is really it. I've never really lost anyone in my life for good...nobody especially close to me has ever passed away; I've gone through other breakups, but nothing like this. I think I'm just slowly starting to realize how final this is. I may never hear from or see him again...it's almost as if he never really existed and what we had meant nothing. In a way, it's like he's dead to me now, you know? It's a great feeling, but it's also a little scary to think that I may truly be getting over him...for good.

::sigh:: It isn't that I haven't been moving on with my life at all. It isn't like I sit around, hoping he'll contact me...I know there's nothing more to say, nothing that would make things right between us. So it isn't that I'm still in denial about us getting back together, or even being friends. My self-esteem has grown a lot, and I've been feeling really happy lately (up until tonight). If you've been reading any of my more recent posts, then you know that I've actually been doing quite well. I have been feeling a LOT better lately. I've been working out, making new friends and keeping in touch with old ones, staying busy, doing well in school, etc. I've also been going out partying a lot more (I'm in my second year of college) and have met some pretty cute guys. I've been keeping an open mind and have been out on a couple of dates...I'm having fun :) Don't get me wrong--I'm not about to jump into a new relationship because I know that I'm not ready for that...I've been enjoying having this time for myself.

I hope all of you are doing well and remaining strong. I'm not trying to bring anybody else down...and I'm not going to let myself get too down either. I'm sick of feeling sad and I know that I really don't have a good reason to be. I realize that I am an extremely lucky person...I have a great family, wonderful friends, and lots more going for me. I KNOW that I am better off without my ex, no matter how much I miss some aspects of him at times. I think this breakup was truly a blessing in disguise, and it has really helped me to develop into the person that I am today. I've learned a lot from it...I know it has happened for a reason.

I guess I just had to vent a little...

""Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up."

"Some people believe that holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes far more strength just to let go..."

"Sometimes what seems like surrender isn't surrender at all. It's about what's going on in our hearts, About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 6:12pm

kcl19310...


You probably know this already....but January 24th was a MAJOR LET DOWN DAY for lots of us!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 7:20pm

Do you ever really get over someone? I hate to sound cynical about this, but you never fully get over someone until you've got someone new who's just what you're looking for. You can be happy, active, secure, and have a very full life. But you're still "missing" the sex, affection, intimacy, shared future plans, etc., and you'll always associate those things with your ex until you find someone new to associate them with. You can be happy and have a million things going on in your life, but you can't snuggle with someone through the night until, well, there's someone there to snuggle through the night. Now, you're not going to die from the pain, which dulls to an ache, then to a distant sort of craving, for the things you had in a relationship and don't have anymore. But there's no easy way to replace those things, either. You can have other things, new hobbies and new friends, but you can't have those couplehood things until you have a new partner.

And, when you fall in love again and start another serious, long-term relationship, that's a big part of what completes the breakup - you stop associating all the good relationship bonus things with a particular person, your ex. Maybe you can break those associations without a new relationship, but when you remember something couple-y, you're probably remembering your most recent partner, even if you know you wouldn't be with him again. So, you need to create new associations for those couple-y moments. And you can only do that as half of a new couple. Which is not to say that you should force it and get too serious too fast with someone new, but just don't get too convinced that you'll NEVER stop thinking about/longing for couple-y things you had with your ex.

By way of analogy - my first dog died unexpectedly in October. Particularly as she'd shown no signs of being sick (she was at the vet in July), it was a shock, and very devastating to me. For a while, I couldn't stand to come home, the house was so quiet. As I'd pull into my garage, my eyes would start to tear up, because no one would greet me at the door. I'd go for evening walks by myself, and it made me so sad to put on my sneakers without her dancing around waiting to go for a walk. Some of that disappeared in time - I got used to coming home to a quiet house, got used to not having all the moments of interaction that we'd had. I even saw some advantages - being able to stay out late or spontaneously travel without having to worry about her bathroom breaks or boarding her.

But, honestly, while there will always be a corner of my heart reserved for Haley, I wasn't really "over" my grief at her death until I adopted another dog. It was nice to be greeted at the door again. And coming home became less momentous, I guess, it stopped signifying loss and just became a normal event again, because I wasn't greeted with an empty house anymore. Having a new dog has helped me distinguish the things I like about dog ownership, in general, as a "dog person," and the personality traits that were unique to Haley. I can have the joys of dog ownership and still have special memories of Haley, but for me, those memories just caused me a lot more pain when I was so lonely without her. With a new dog companion, I still think of Haley and remember, but I can remember more easily, without tears, because I know her death was not the end of having a dog companion.

I think it's easier to look back fondly at an ex when we've replaced the missing couplehood perks like physical and emotional intimacy. Until then, we associate those things with the ex, making the loss of the ex seem more significant than it will once you've found a new source for those things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 2:03am

pianoguy--

Thanks for your response. I always find your posts to be both helpful and amusing :) You mentioned that Jan. 24th was a major letdown for many people, and I think you were referring to the Falcons losing. Hehe, I was actually cheering for the Eagles...but I'm going to be rooting for the Patriots in the Superbowl.

You are definitely right in saying that I should not get caught up in my past. I've been doing that for far too long, and I agree that it's time to finally move on. I was just having a weak moment the other night, but I'm feeling much better now :) I've been really busy and have hardly thought about my ex at all.

You are also right in saying that all we can do is learn from our past experiences, and not repeat them. I've felt pretty angry towards my ex in the past, but I think I'm actually letting go of those negative feelings. Things didn't work out and I was disappointed, but life does go on, right? I am the only one who has control over my actions/feelings/thoughts, etc...and I've managed to survive this far! It can only get better from here :) I haven't given up hope just yet...

Best wishes to you as well. Hope things are going well in your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 2:13am

milton--

Wow, thanks so much for your response. I didn't think it was cynical; just honest. I really appreciated it...it made me feel a lot better. I've been beating myself up for the fact that I'm still a little nostalgic when it comes to my ex. I've been working really hard on my self-esteem issues, and I really thought I had made some great progress until my weak moment the other night. I thought having that weak moment meant that I had just been fooling myself into thinking that I was doing alright.

But what you wrote makes perfect sense. You CAN be happy/secure, etc and still miss someone...you can still be a wonderful person with a very fulfilling life, but still want something more. I will admit that I still miss a lot of the cute, couple-y aspects of my relationship with the ex, and I thought missing them made me weak, or insecure. I kept telling myself that if I were really happy, I wouldn't care at all anymore. But that isn't true, and it was a great relief to have you point that out to me.

Your dog analogy was very helpful and I know exactly what you mean. I think you are right--when I meet someone else, I will be able to look back on my ex more fondly. I still don't believe he's the most morally correct individual, but I am feeling a lot less angry and bitter already. I've accepted that we aren't right for each other and that he doesn't have the qualities I find so important--and I'm not going to settle for less than what I deserve.

So don't worry, I'm not planning on rushing into anything too quickly. I've been dating a bit, just having some fun...but nothing special or serious. Nobody that I've met has really caught my eye yet...but I haven't given up hope :) Until then, I'm just doing my best to stay busy and happy...I hope you are doing the same. By the way, how are you doing? It was nice getting your response; I've been wondering how you have been doing. Are you still thinking of moving? Good luck with everything, and take care <3

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 12:48pm

kcl19310...


Thanks so much for your very nice thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 5:40pm

pianoguy,

Good choice for the Superbowl. Yay, Patriots (especially Tom Brady)! :)

Sorry to hear that you had a miserable Tuesday night...for whatever the reason(s), I hope everything worked out for you.

What you wrote was absolutely correct--sometimes we DO need to spoil/pamper ourselves. I'll try to keep your popcorn & a movie idea in mind for the next time that I'm feeling a little down :) Luckily, I've been doing much better lately...I was just having a strange night when I posted. Those moments where I think of my ex with nostalgia have been occurring much less frequently, and when I'm thinking clearly, I can definitely see how much happier/better off I am without him.

Thanks for your kind words of encouragement...good luck with everything in your life! Take care...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 10:25pm
How are you doing today?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 1:06am

Hi Heidi,

I'm doing a lot better today, thanks. I actually started feeling better after I originally posted--I think I just needed to vent! :)

Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. I was reading over some of my old posts and you are right--I really have made a LOT of progress. It feels great. And thanks for pointing out that having a "down day" doesn't mean I've been set back in any way. It's nice to know that that's just normal. I am feeling very proud of myself--I never thought I'd make it this far! I can't believe that only a few months ago, I thought I would never get over my ex...

I have realized that it is over...and I think I'm finally on my way to truly accepting it as well. There's definitely no turning back...my ex is a part of my past, and he needs to stay there. Thanks again for your concern...I hope everything is going well for you! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 6:47am

Hey =)

I'm glad you are feeling better!

*hugs*
Roseaura

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 1:49pm

I totally agree with you.I just broke up with my ex from a LDR 3 weeks ago and cannot help thinking about all the nice times we shared and wishing there were more of these times to come.

All I know is that until I get myself a new boyfriend i will never be able to get over my ex as all the happy coupley times can only be associated with him.for example,now that Valentine's day is coming up i cannot help but think of the wonderful bunch of roses he sent me last year.

But life goes on and its useless crying over someone who is now enjoying himself without a care in the world & is probably already dating other girls.....i am already feeling better that i like this guy who i know likes me too although we're still getting to know each other.but my hope is that one day we will get together and my memories with my ex will just fade away leaving just a footmark on my path of life.

You don't get a new partner as a rebound but rather to be able to live your happy moments with someone who will hopefully respect you and love you a million times more than your ex did..if he/she would ever have loved you.

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