Having a strange night...
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| Mon, 01-24-2005 - 2:17am |
For the first time in awhile, I'm not feeling that great...
My ex and I broke up in May (long story--if you really want to know, read my other posts), and I've been posting on this discussion board since September. It's been a long, painful journey for me. I've struggled with the breakup, with my ex having a new girlfriend, with trying to be his friend, and finally, with letting go of him. I've made some very important realizations about both my ex and myself since it all began, and I really do believe that I am coming out of this a much better and stronger individual. I am becoming quite happy and content with the person that I am...and it feels wonderful :)
I haven't tried to contact my ex in over two months. That's a long time for me...I used to try and get ahold of him all the time, even though he would usually just ignore me. But I wrote him that one last e-mail in November (telling him it was the last time he would be hearing from me and not to contact me again either), and haven't contacted him since. He has contacted me twice since then...one was a text, the other time was just an IM. I ignored them both.
Neither of his contact attempts meant anything, and I no longer have the false hope that he wants to get back together or to even be my friend. And I do NOT want to get back together with him--I know that he has not treated me with the respect that I deserve. We have very different morals--he has cheated, lied, and been extremely manipulative. I could never trust him again. Because of all this, I know that we could never be friends either. Quite frankly, the thought of being intimate with him again (even on a purely emotional/mental basis) makes me want to throw up. It amazes me to think that we were once so close...then again, we both managed to keep a lot of ourselves hidden (we were long-distance). It's hard to determine what was real and what wasn't, and I guess in the end it doesn't really matter--right? Now it's as if he's this complete stranger, a very distant part of my past. Sometimes I still feel a bit regretful that we can't at least be friends, even though I know he isn't somebody that I want in my life. He isn't who I thought he was, and he will never be that person...instead, he's somebody that I don't care for. I don't have the desire to talk to him, or to even know him anymore. I can think about him and his girlfriend without feeling jealous, or sad. Sometimes it seems like our relationship happened forever ago...a lot of the memories I have of it, both good and bad, are slowly fading.
So why am I feeling so down tonight? I know that everyone has their weak moments, and I know that part of the reason is because I am still working out my insecurities. But I'm feeling pretty lonely and nostalgic right now. I think I'm well on my way to getting over this breakup and to being healed...but at the same time, I wonder if I'll ever really recover from it. I'm not trying to sound dramatic; I know that I'm young and still have lots to experience...but do you ever really get over someone? Even if you're secure within yourself, meet someone else, etc...do you ever truly get over somebody that you loved?
Of course, I can't say that I still "love" my ex. I miss him a lot sometimes...but other times, I'm so damn relieved that he isn't in my life anymore. I think I've become a lot happier without him--something a friend even pointed out to me the other day. He wasn't healthy for me and I know that. I also know that I deserve better, and I don't doubt that I will fall in love again someday. Right now I'm just having a great time being single and concentrating on myself. But sometimes I have these moments where I wonder if I'm ever going to fully heal. I know I'm being silly and I'm sure a lot of you will confirm this...I mean, look at all the people in the world who have fallen in love, lost it, and found it again! I guess it's just difficult to remember that at times...
Maybe part of the reason I feel kind of sad tonight is because I was watching a football game today--the Atlanta Falcons vs. the Philadelphia Eagles. I'm sure you all know that the Superbowl is coming up...and at this time last year, my ex and I were still together and actually in a quite happy point of our relationship. He was the one who got me into watching football...and I guess that just makes me feel a little nostalgic. I can't seem to watch it without thinking of him...especially since the Eagles will be playing in the Superbowl this year. He lives in Pennsylvania and is a HUGE fan of them. I guess that's probably why I've been thinking about him a lot more than usual.
I know I should just block his screenname and phone #"s and be totally done with it. But I guess I'm not completely ready for that yet...one reason being that I really don't know if it's necessary. A part of me isn't convinced that I've heard the last of him...but then again, there's not much else to say and I think he's figured out that I'm not going to respond. I'm also not worried about me contacting him again...I told him I wouldn't anymore, and I won't. I guess it just hasn't hit me that this is really it. I've never really lost anyone in my life for good...nobody especially close to me has ever passed away; I've gone through other breakups, but nothing like this. I think I'm just slowly starting to realize how final this is. I may never hear from or see him again...it's almost as if he never really existed and what we had meant nothing. In a way, it's like he's dead to me now, you know? It's a great feeling, but it's also a little scary to think that I may truly be getting over him...for good.
::sigh:: It isn't that I haven't been moving on with my life at all. It isn't like I sit around, hoping he'll contact me...I know there's nothing more to say, nothing that would make things right between us. So it isn't that I'm still in denial about us getting back together, or even being friends. My self-esteem has grown a lot, and I've been feeling really happy lately (up until tonight). If you've been reading any of my more recent posts, then you know that I've actually been doing quite well. I have been feeling a LOT better lately. I've been working out, making new friends and keeping in touch with old ones, staying busy, doing well in school, etc. I've also been going out partying a lot more (I'm in my second year of college) and have met some pretty cute guys. I've been keeping an open mind and have been out on a couple of dates...I'm having fun :) Don't get me wrong--I'm not about to jump into a new relationship because I know that I'm not ready for that...I've been enjoying having this time for myself.
I hope all of you are doing well and remaining strong. I'm not trying to bring anybody else down...and I'm not going to let myself get too down either. I'm sick of feeling sad and I know that I really don't have a good reason to be. I realize that I am an extremely lucky person...I have a great family, wonderful friends, and lots more going for me. I KNOW that I am better off without my ex, no matter how much I miss some aspects of him at times. I think this breakup was truly a blessing in disguise, and it has really helped me to develop into the person that I am today. I've learned a lot from it...I know it has happened for a reason.
I guess I just had to vent a little...
""Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up."
"Some people believe that holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes far more strength just to let go..."
"Sometimes what seems like surrender isn't surrender at all. It's about what's going on in our hearts, About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater."

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Just like you I do have the odd day when I m feeling really down and nostlagic about the special times i shared with my ex.
However,I now know that we will never be together again (especially since after our breakup he sent me a goodbye ecard to say that we both have to move on with our lives-you probably read about post in my post "An ecard to say goodbye!")he actually sent it as he knew i didn't want to continue being in contact with him anymore.
Hopefully we will both find someone with whom we can re-live our coupley times but with someone who respects us and loves us tons more than our exes did.
hi Roseaura,
Don't know if you remember me.we had spoken here in September when i broke up with my ex because he didn't feel comfortable in having me move in with him.well,we now broke up again 3 weeks ago for the same reason and there's definitely no chance of us getting back together.
I don't want to bore you with my long story but should you want to read my posts :Am I that Dull ? and E-card to say Goodbye you will get my whole story.They're posted in this same section of Breaking Up is Hard to Do.
Hope you are doing well and much better than a couple of months ago.!It would be nice to hear from you again.
I think the nostalgia and feelings of loneliness at times are completely normal. Although it's becoming more and more difficult to remember the way I felt about my ex, I do have some good memories from our relationship. It doesn't hurt to remember them; it just makes me wish that I had something like that in my life again. But until I meet the right person, I'm going to concentrate fully on myself.
I remember your post about the e-card, and I can definitely relate. My ex has contacted me twice since I sent him one last e-mail. I told him not to contact me again and of course, he still did (since he has absolutely no respect for me). I haven't responded and don't plan on it. I know I should just block his screenname/phone #'s and I'm seriously considering it.
Good luck to you as you heal...I hope you find love again someday :)
I didn't block my ex's phone number.I simply deleted it although i know it by heart :( if i were you i would block it so you won't wonder why he didn't call or text again.
don't know if i told you but i had replied to that email saying goodbye and agreeing we had to move on .he obviously never commented about him and i haven't heard from him since.
i really hope you will find love again someday too!!
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