Having such a hard time

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Having such a hard time
20
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 8:02pm

Hi All,

I am not new to this board, and the advice is always so good, caring and helpful. I am having such a hard time with this breakup. I have read countless books, have been to a counselor, and still i find myself crying every other day. The problem is that I have to see him, as we have a class together, and we both have mutual friends, who have not chosen between us, but are still friends with both of us. There is so much background and i don't really want to write out 10 pages, but just say that he was treating me bad and i broke up with him....he has blamed his bad behavior on the fact that i was different, that i had changed, that i was not the same sweet girl he fell in love with (no one would be sweet when their boyfriend chooses his friends first). He has since apologized for his bad behavior, and he still loves me. Now I know that he treated me good once before, so I feel that there is a good guy in there somewhere! We have tried to be friends, but I am often short with him (because if i talk to him too long, i start crying and missing him, as he is back to his sweet self right now). He is upset that I am short with him. I don't know what to tell him --- I am embarrased at myself that I cannot handle this breakup in a more mature manner, that I am not able to be friends...we broke up before Christmas, have been back and forth up until the end of January. It is now April and I am still soooo upset. Every time I look at him, I melt; Every time I think of the good things, I want him back and cry. And when I remind myself of the bad things, I cry. Whatever I do, I cry. I also have another question --- if we are not friends now, how will we ever be able to reconcile one day? who knows what the future will bring, we both have said we don't want to rule out anything in the future....I have read so many break up books and have been given so much advice...and i still am messed up. Maybe I need to be hypnotized or something. I am at my wit's end. If I need to have NC, then what should i say to save face and be left with some dignity and maturity...?
thank you for reading this!

*loveslife2005*

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 9:18am

There is nothing immature about not being able to be friends with someone immediately after you break up. Or not being able to be friends with them ever. You two were very close, there's just no way to take your relationship back down to friendship and have it be a smooth transition.

Clearly your attempts to be friends have not worked because you are still very upset after 4 months. But you need to stop faulting yourself for being upset when you have been putting yourself through psychological torture. I think you should stop beating yourself up about being upset. Instead, try to figure out why you will not really cut the cord on this relationship. Obviously, on some level you don't want to let go. That is understandable, especially if you were together for a long time; however, hanging on to this relationship is not doing you any good.

Why not just tell your ex that you still care for him and that you don't think you can really get over the relationship when you're still in contact with him. If he cares about you at all he will understand and back off. And if he doesn't do that, you know he doesn't really have your best interests at heart, so do everything in your power to avoid him and don't worry about him or his feelings.

If you want to get over the relationship you really need to start taking care of yourself and putting your needs first. You can successfully stop talking to an ex and then, when the time is right reunite. I know because I did that myself. I was with my college bf for 3 years. We split up and I did not talk to him for almost 2 years. Then I decided I had moved on enough to talk to him again and we exchanged some emails. Honestly, after a couple emails I realized I didn't really care about talking to him anyway, but if I had wanted to talk, the option was there. So don't worry about the future (of your friendship with your ex, I mean), things will work out in the end.

-Nikki
co-cl of Breaking Up is Hard to Do!
Visit the Breaking Up is Hard to Do web page!

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 10:49am

Hi loveslife2005!

PG agrees with Nikki's post, but would also like to address your question about reconciliation?

Is this absolutely, positively, necessary??? Especially if you're gonna end up crying the next time the 2 of you have an argument or one of you is disappointed by something the other did?

While there are some members of this (and other ivillage boards) who believe in the "We'll eventually become buddies after the break-up" theory---I DON'T! How can the average person (male or female) 'pack away deep rooted emotions' and just pretend they never existed?

I DON'T BUY INTO THIS AT ALL!

We go through phases (aka chapters) in our life. Some of our friendships last forever while others dissolve due to personal or professional issues. While "holding on for one more day" (quoting the Wilson Phillips tune) might be our initial desire...the likelihood isn't always possible.

Since you have gone backwards and forwards with this (err) gentleman for more than half a year....HAVEN'T YOU PUT YOURSELF THROUGH ENOUGH??? You say that "you want him back"---but is all the hurt you've experienced....and WILL CONTINUE TO EXPERIENCE...really worth it?

Think about this.......seriously!!!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 2:22pm
thank you for responding. i wish i could just wake up one day and be over it. it has been too long to feel like this. Nothing is helping, I really do think i need to be hypnotised....it also hurts so much more because he is somewhat interested in someone else...and i keep comparing myself to her....what does she have that i don't? i have never liked her, even before i knew they were friends. she is known for starting drama and gossip and being a tease and a flirt. He is one of her few friends, because no one else can stand her. What in the world does he see in her? The only thing that I can think of is that she is very beautiful. But, also, I am not that bad myself...I don't think I am chopped liver or anything! Maybe they see the superficial in each other, I really can't figure it out and neither can any of my friends! I feel so replaced by her and I think they have always liked each other, even while we were dating...so it makes me feel like our reationship was less because of it. They even made out a month after we broke up when they were drunk, they both said it was just a drunken thing...
i don't know what is wrong with me. I just cry at the drop of a hat. I took everyone's advice about NC and i sent him a text this morning saying that it might be best if we don't talk for awhile. I haven't heard anything back from him. Not even an acknowledement. I guess why would I even receive one? he has shown his true colors months ago. How do i not take this so personally? Not let this rejection hurt my self esteem as much as it has?
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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 2:37pm

You said you "have been" to a counselor...are you continuing? I think that would be a very good thing for you to do.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 2:41pm

hi loveslife

why dont you ask yourself is that kind of relationship that you really want? is this guy makes you happy? is this guy makes you sad? those kinda question. try to seek the truth. i know it hard to open our eyes if we are inlove. BUT TRUST ME THIS IS THE ONLY WAY FOR YOU TO MOVE ON. ESP IF YOU FINALLY SEE THE TRUTH!!!

GOOD LUCK

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 5:33pm

I have been going to a counselor, but she has been out of town. My next appt. (the earliest i could get) is a week from next Monday!


I am going to the psychiatrist tomorrow...to get a refill on meds...i suffer from mild anxiety and i have situational depression right now....


but meds are certainly not a cure-all! they just take the edge off a bit, to be able to work through things with a clearer head.


i am ok during the day - i am busy and i always talk to friends during the day. Nights are the hardest, that's when i have crying spells...so i call my best friend and she talks me through everything. She is great.

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Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 6:26pm

No Contact means no contact, so don't be expecting an acknowledgement to your last contact.

Guys sometimes seek their own level. My Ex carried on an intimate friendship with one of his Ex's the entire length of our 6-year relationship. I never understood what he saw in her. She was shallow and mealy-mouthed, but that made her undemanding and low maintenance to him. She always egged him on in anything he did, even if it was not a good thing.

Don't make your Ex the ultimate judge of good women, in your mind. He apparently has little ability in that regard. Your friends know you are a better person than the woman he is interested in. She has nothing more than you have; she has less, and that is precisely what attracts him.

You deserve better and will find it when you finally get him out of your life. I know this is hard beyond words. I am going through it, too, but it will get better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 11:56am

Hi memphisstars!

Whether you know it or not...you just pointed out the MAJOR difference between men and women when a relationship (or marriage) comes to an end.

Most men aren't interested in closure---they just want OUT! Most women, on the other hand, want to analyze, criticise and summarize....and often become frustrated when the process doesn't happen (or isn't completed).

What both sexes need to understand is that living "happily ever after" doesn't always apply to everybody. Growing up on Walt Disney, Sesame Street, and other childhood fantasies, I guess most of us would like the dream to unfold?

But if you take an honest look at the "True Colors" (quoting Cindi Lauper here)---the changes will often override our fantasies, emotions and expectations? 'Color Tones' can completely prevent us from loving someone......particularly if some of those lighter shades of color that all of us began with....have gradually become "very dark!"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 6:59pm
Hello, My ex put his friends first, too - that ultimately was what ended our relationship. This has been such a hard week - almost rivaling the 1st week after we broke up (1-1/2 months ago). We basically had no contact after the break-up except to negotiate returning things. Now this week I hear from him and it has set me so far back. I truly believe you must have NO CONTACT. As for the friends thing - I dated a guy for 5 years and we ended things in 2000. We reconnected a couple of years later and now he is one of my best friends. We even traveled to India together and not one thing happened (physically or emotionally) - he is engaged and I am extremely happy for him. Other ex's I could care less about. So you need to cut off contact, let yourself heal and then decide if you even want him in your life. I, on the other hand, just want to see my ex and forget this ever happened. I had no closure (he had his say the day of the breakup and we haven’t spoken since) so I feel almost in a daze about the whole thing. Good luck – be strong – supposedly it gets better 
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 2:55pm

thank you for replying. i really need a lot of support right now. i am having a rough time. crying hard every day, usually in the evenings....


i think that no contact is the way to go.

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