Having such a hard time

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Having such a hard time
20
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 8:02pm

Hi All,

I am not new to this board, and the advice is always so good, caring and helpful. I am having such a hard time with this breakup. I have read countless books, have been to a counselor, and still i find myself crying every other day. The problem is that I have to see him, as we have a class together, and we both have mutual friends, who have not chosen between us, but are still friends with both of us. There is so much background and i don't really want to write out 10 pages, but just say that he was treating me bad and i broke up with him....he has blamed his bad behavior on the fact that i was different, that i had changed, that i was not the same sweet girl he fell in love with (no one would be sweet when their boyfriend chooses his friends first). He has since apologized for his bad behavior, and he still loves me. Now I know that he treated me good once before, so I feel that there is a good guy in there somewhere! We have tried to be friends, but I am often short with him (because if i talk to him too long, i start crying and missing him, as he is back to his sweet self right now). He is upset that I am short with him. I don't know what to tell him --- I am embarrased at myself that I cannot handle this breakup in a more mature manner, that I am not able to be friends...we broke up before Christmas, have been back and forth up until the end of January. It is now April and I am still soooo upset. Every time I look at him, I melt; Every time I think of the good things, I want him back and cry. And when I remind myself of the bad things, I cry. Whatever I do, I cry. I also have another question --- if we are not friends now, how will we ever be able to reconcile one day? who knows what the future will bring, we both have said we don't want to rule out anything in the future....I have read so many break up books and have been given so much advice...and i still am messed up. Maybe I need to be hypnotized or something. I am at my wit's end. If I need to have NC, then what should i say to save face and be left with some dignity and maturity...?
thank you for reading this!

*loveslife2005*

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 3:04pm

Because...that's who he is. If he were willing or capable of changing, he would have done so...but he's not. That the key for moving on...*accepting* that he is who and how he is. "Why" he is that way does not MATTER...what matters is that he IS that way. He may have been different earlier in the relationship, but the real him came out towards the end.

The more you focus on the "why", the longer it's going to take you to move on. Try retraining your thoughts...whenever you start thinking about "why", say to yourself, "it doesn't matter...that is HOW HE IS. I need to accept that and move on."

The other part of acceptance is accepting that he's not right for you if he couldn't or wouldn't change or compromise (someone who IS right for you either wouldn't need to change, or he'd be willing to and capable of it).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 3:25pm
you are so right. completely on target. i guess i am jealous of him, of how he can cope and move on. i want to do that! the only person who can make me get over it is me...so, why do i still have these intense crying fits....like there is so much emotion and hurt that it just has to come out....my best friend was comparing me to a vessel...i was filled up, so full of life, then i met him, and slowly the vessel became empty, so that there is not much there right now...she says i must remember who i was before i even met him, and have the confidence that i can fill myself back up....i used to be a happy, sweet girl....and now i feel so bitter, sad...
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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 3:35pm

It will happen...I know it seems like it never will now, but it will. Part of why it's taking so long is because you have to see him and have some contact with him, but even under those circumstances, people DO move on.

I think right now you need to focus on minimizing your contact with him (only the *barest* minimum necessary--when you see him in class, for example, smile and wave hello but keep moving...don't stop to talk; ask your friends to please not keep you updated on what he's doing; only go to places where he will be that you absolutely can't miss for the time being, things like that). And definitely keep seeing your counselor...that will help, the longer you go.

And do try to be consistent with practicing thought-stopping and thought redirecting (like the example I gave you last post), with the goal of moving towards acceptance that it's over and the two of you aren't right for each other.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2006
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 6:20pm
I am sorry to hear you are having a hard time letting go...
I was in a similar situation 4 yrs ago. What helped me was letting him know how much
I love him, but also I let him know I love myself more and I was not going to let him put me down!!! I felt so much better letting my feelings out. After that I was able to move on!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 9:46am

tookute2bfat...

Pianoguy finds your ivillage user name very interesting. There HAS to be a story behind it?

As for "letting go"---the process and amount of time it takes varies with everybody. The one thing I discovered after being alone and single for so long was this.

As badly as I might have wanted (or needed) a hug from a g/f, s.o. or a spouse, I had to accept the fact that such a person wasn't available...particularly at 2 or 3AM! .

So I found 'distractions' (book, a tv show, or a movie from a dvd. I might indulge myself with a glass of wine or cup of tea in order to fall asleep! When my emotions really got out of control, there were always a few "night owls" whom I could call! These 'guardian angels' knew what I was going through and helped make my grieving process a little easier to bear?

While I think most of us wish it was possible to "wave a magic wand and make the hurt automatically disappear"---that option isn't there. Most of us who have gone through a bad breakup will always 'carry a small portion of the memory' around! The trick is NOT to let the memory become more important or override the happiness we're seeking. The past can't be changed...only the present will determine our future(s).

Best wishes and warm thoughts...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2006
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 5:58pm
I so tatally feel you. I just broke up with my ex too and like you we have classes togerter and we share a group of mutual friends . How are you able to handle seeing him in class as well keeping the same network of friends? I could really use you input on this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 1:36am

I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

I finally made it clear to him that we would not be friends anytime soon, if ever. So, we are having no contact, and it has helped tremendously. i feel sooooo good when i don;t have to see him or talk to him. When I do have to see him, it has been hard, i won't lie....

Class has been tricky....He sits behine me and to the right...he sat there on purpose...and it still infuriates me that he had the gall to sit so close to me when he knew how i was struggling with the breakup....anyway, so basically, i keep my head straight and focus very hard on class...when i walk in i usually give a general wave to everyone, then i sit down and spend the few minutes before class getting my things ready, going over notes....i just try to look as busy as i can and try hard not to get tears in my eyes...a few times i have had to get up and go to the bathroom becuase i felt the tears were gonna come....he always tries to make eye contact and say hi...i try to ignore him, but then i feel like a b*tch (i know it's bad to judge myself...in reality, i have cause never to even speak to him again...), so i will give a small smile and quickly look away. then after class, i make myself busy, getting my stuff together, then i leave after he does.

i have basically given up on the mutual friends....i have friends outside of school that i hang out with now...i just hated how i felt when he was around...it seemed to me like i was the one having the problem, and i should just get over it and be civil and cordial...to keep the peace...but i have decided that i dont care what they think....it hurts me to be around him, so i will not be somewhere that i know he will be at...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 11:28am

I think you are doing the right thing and you're headed in the right direction!

Keep it up!

Pianoguy is right, we all look for the magic wand to make the pain go away. We just have to remember that it will and to just ride the storm out.

Take Pianoguy's suggestions. That's what I'm doing. Re-watching Sex in the City (my fav), all of my favorite movies, and reading books. Taking time for yourself is important right now.

We'll get through this....try not to worry so much about him hurting. You are learning something from this experience, try to determine what it is, and build from that. Try to put yourself before anyone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2006
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 3:27pm
On Sunday I had to attend a dinner that the both of us were invited to when were a couple.I really didn't want to go because the thought of being in the same room with her was going to hurt so bad, but I didn't want to let our friends down. When I arrived she ignored me for like the first hour; my friends kept me busy by engaging me in conversation but it was so hard because I could feel her staring at me. I was sitting at the table and she sits next to me and gives me a hug and kiss telling me that she still loves and cares for me and that I will always be her best friend and said that she will never stop loving me and that I have her heart. What am I going to do ? She is obviously confused about what she wants I love her but I can't keep going through this emotional rollercoaster . Now I find myself in class today assigned to do a group project with her not by choice,but by my professor's request and she will not even talk with me it also seems like I will not be able to salvage our 5 year friendship. Any words of wisdom you might like to add?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 6:45pm

hmmmm....i don't know if i can offer any advice, as i am still sometimes an emotional roller-coaster...but i can impart advice i have been given and let you know how that's been going for me...


1. "No contact" - this was the hardest. he would send me texts, i would get drunk dialed, he would come up to me and want to chit chat whenever he would see me...i liked the attention, was flattered that i was on his mine at least a bit....but that's not enough for me.....I finally had to tell him that no, we can not be friends right now. I had to stop judging myself and caring what he thought.....i have to do what's best for me and move on.

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