having a terrible night....
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| Sun, 06-27-2004 - 9:43pm |
i feel so alienated from the entire universe. i know it sounds dramatic, but i feel like i dont connect with anybody anymore--its part of the age im at, i just feel so mentally lost.
the people i work with are only a few yrs older than me, and they're so great, yet i cant connect with them because i feel so young and dumb.
my friends my age, all recent college grads, are just as lost as i am. we're no help to each other, we all just complain and say the same sh*t over and over.
and my best friend is a year younger than me, and she and i are doing the worst of all. tonight we had dinner and i realized just how emotionally distant we both ahd become from each other. she was upset about something, and i was trying to console her, but everything i said was the wrong thing, she was just getting more and more upset, and i realized that i really did NOT understand what she was going through, i tried but i just couldnt get out of my own self involved little bubble and say the things she needed to hear--i just said the things i wanted to say.
i felt hte same way about her last week, when i was upset, i felt like she was saying certain things but they were the wrong things, because she was telling me her thoughts instead of trying to put herself in my place and help me restructure my problem. we both used to be able to get into each others' heads and pick each others feelings apart like 2nd nature. she was almost inconsolable by the time we were walking home from the restaurant--she was miserable and i handt helped her at all. she knew my heart was in the right place but she didnt really want me to reach out anymore.
and worst of all right now i miss my ex more than ever. i miss him because i feel so lost, so disconnected, so sad and confused about who i am and what im doing and i want somebody strong to put their arms around me and tell me that everything is going to be okay, even if its all a lie. i dunno if its himt aht i miss, or if its the comfort of a boyfriend, the stability of a relationship, of having somebody who loves you and of having that to count on. all i know is that im so lonely and i wish he was here for me.
i just want to stop feeling so lonely...
send me some happy thoughts please

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its a combination of things right now that are bothering me, and thoughts tend to drift to my ex whenever there's a vulnerable moment or something's bringing me down.
today it turns out that a cutie i work with just got engaged. i had a nice little crush on him and everything! damnit. so my thoughts are drifting to my ex again...
every day i go back and forth. every day i think that i'd never want to even SEE my ex again and then i think "i wish we were together, i wish he was here, i want to be romanced!"
it doesnt HURT me when i think about him the way it did the first 2 months after we broek up, its just that my mind is on that aspect of my life. its like this annoying gnat in the back of my brain that wont stop flying around, rather than a persistent plaguing issue. like in the beginning, i couldnt stop thinking about it, every thing i did, i felt physically affected by it. now its much less painful, much less immediate, much less harsh, its just irritating.
im not sure if im ACTIVELY choosing to ruminate about my ex and our relationship or if its just coming into my mind on its own...
im just a big ball of conflict and confusion right now i guess. have any of you felt like months after you broke up you were still thinking about it in this way? this morning the FIRST thought that popped into my mind was "what would i do if he asked me to take him back" and i started planning in my head my response...like i was reminding myself why i didnt want to be with him, reassuring myself that i didnt....i mean the dude hasnt even TALKED to me in 3.5 months why the hell would i be thinking that there would EVER be a need for me to plan a response?
its just so annoying to still have this on my mind...and at the same time im anticipating meeting somebody new, starting something else, turning over a new leaf kinda thing. like i'll mvoe to my new place and get more settled in at work etc...anyway i'll post more later, thanks for your responses
It was a "safe" reltionship for me because I knew how things were and accepted it and settled for it. I had thought that was normal in a relationship and if I wanted a relationship that is how is was going to be. I was lonely without someone and desperately wanted affection. Hence I ended up in a very toxic and co-dependent relationship.
I don't think that you are actively thinking about your ex, you subconcious is ruminating on it. It was what you knew and I think that we all go back to "when we were together." We felt like it was comfortable for us and many, including myself, over-analyzed things over and over again. That was very destructive behavior for me as it shifted into self-blame for the failure of the relationship. My guess is that you have passed this stage.
Anyway, As for why you are coming up with an answer for his imaginary question about getting back together. I liken it to the theory that I for one like to plan things and I wouldn't want a nasty surprise like that without a clear answer that I won't have to stumble through if confronted with it, and heck it makes me feel more in control too and not that emotions tumbling over the water fall feeling. I also did it because I did not want him to shake my life up. He had contacted me every three months, sometimes several attempts in one day. It shook me a lot and drew me back into the quicksand I was stuck in at the begging of the end of the relationship. Maybe you are also preparing for that "just in case" moment if he surprises you. In any case, it never hurts to be prepared. So long as you don't obsess over it. : )
But, anyway, back to the point - a couple of times a week, usually during my commute, I imagine the conversation I'd have with someone, explaining in detail (or trying to break it down to a quick, shocking summary) exactly why I left. At first I wasn't sure why I was doing it. I think it's so I don't forget, so that every time I get that urge to call him or see what he's doing online or give him a booty call for sex (okay, well, I haven't been thinking about that for at least a month), any time I start to weaken in my resolve and think about getting back with him, I force myself to remember exactly how bad I felt when he was being a selfish immature ass during my cancer episode. I want to keep the bad times fresh, honestly. I try not to obsess or brood about it, but I know that we go down this path where we romanticize the early, happy days, and they feel really immediate - I want to be sure the memories of just how bad it was in the end are fresh and familiar and that there's a well-worn mental path to them, so I don't conveniently brush them under the rug and forget. Actually, since it's usually my morning commute when I do it, it is often an antidote to lingering dreams or any "morning terrors" I occasionally experience.
Here's what I'll say, though - I feel so good not to be in contact with him. Honestly, I just don't want to lose respect for myself, I don't want to let him treat me that way, I don't want to tell him it's okay, I don't want to settle for a relationship where I was a distant, distant second to his "needs," be they physical or emotional. I like the quiet, I like the lack of drama, I like the lack of pain enough to prefer it even if it means no emotional highs, either. I can't imagine what we'd say to each other, but I decided long ago that the ball is in his court, he owes me an apology, and I don't have anything else to say to him (and I'd turn blue if I were waiting for him to apologize). I don't know, it was very frightening at first to think of no contact. And I had strong pangs of longing and the "need" to contact him, which tapered off and have mostly disappeared. Once in a while it's still hard. But it's gotten so much easier than I thought it could. Part of me still wonders if I'm being mature or just hiding my head in the sand (he sent an email the day after our almost two year anniversary, and I still haven't read it - wisdom or cowardice?). But, anyway, I feel so good not contacting him I just manage to ride out the need to talk with him.
Anyway, I think you're on the right track visualizing how you'd respond to a reconciliation proposition. Also try imagining just a good, old-fashioned bitch session with a girlfriend where you discuss his every flaw, strange habit, hygienic challenge, or just everything about him or the relationship that drove you nuts and made you unhappy.
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