Having Trouble Letting Go

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Having Trouble Letting Go
11
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 2:38pm
Here's my story. I'm wondering if you all would have any advice. I broke up with my boyfriend on Sunday, September 12. When I woke up the next morning I felt really awful and began emailing and text-messaging him. While I didn't exactly say, "I made a mistake, please take me back," I did ask if he would be willing to go to therapy with me. I did say I would like to try again.

I sent him a lot of emails on Monday, a bit less on Tuesday and so forth. They dwindled to none by the weekend. I did however text-message him like a crazy woman all week long. Whenever anything made me think of him I would text message him.

I figured there wasn't any harm in it. While I didn't exactly think it would bring him back to me, I hoped he would be reading my messages and that he might be persuaded to try again. I haven't heard from him at all. Not a peep. I will not call because I feel like I've reached out to him enough already.

One important detail to note is that I'm text messaging him from a phone he gave me. I returned the phone when we broke up, but I still have access to the Web site where I can text him. I sent him instructions to change the user ID and password to the phone should he want to, but he still hasn't. In a sense I figure if he didn't want to hear from me anymore that he would have taken care of that. After all, it takes less than five minutes. So I guess what I'm thinking is he still wants to hear from me, even though he isn't responding. (Does that sound crazy?)

I know I need to let go, that if he wants to try again he has to come back to me of his own volition. But is it ok to text him a few times a day? Especially since he still hasn't changed the password? What do you think?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 2:45pm
No, do not text him anymore. The more you do the more he feels that you can't live without him. Even if that is how you feel at the moment, you need to leave him be. Sending tons of messages isn't going to change how he feels, in fact if he is teetering on coming back to you, he won't simply because you won't leave him alone right now. I hope you don't think I'm being harsh, I just really hope you take a step back and let him make the next move if he is inclined to. Think about it, do you really want him to take you back only because that is what you want? Let him miss you, please and if and when he does, he will contact you. I do sincerely wish you the best in whatever you decide to do. Lucy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 2:46pm

no its not ok -- hey I remember you from another board on ivillage from waaay back! I am sorry you

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 2:48pm
Thanks, Lucy. I know that's the right answer. It's just really hard to stop myself from contacting him. Maybe what I'll do is keep an open Word document. That way when I feel like texting him I'll just write in there instead. I know that he has to come back because he wants to not because he feels forced by me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 2:54pm
I am so glad to hear that. Yes, write down what you want to say to him on a Word document, that sounds great so long as you never send it. I have to tell you I have done that, or I have typed up an e-mail telling him all I want to say and then just delete it insead of sending it. It kind of makes me feel better. If it's meant to be, it will happen. Again, I couldn't be happier to hear that you will stop the IMs. Take good care of you. Lucy
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 3:01pm
Actually, to be honest, I don't know that I can stop completely. I can certainly stop sending him 20 a day, like I did last week. (I don't know if it was actually 20, it may actually have been 10 a day. I didn't count.) And I sort of think that if he wants to come back he'll do it whether or not he's hearing from me. I mean it's not like I don't have limits. I wouldn't, for example, call him on the phone or show up at his door. But if I feel like I still have things to say to him I probably will continue to contact him. He has control of the phone. If he's so bothered by my messages, he is free to change the password on the phone. Why doesn't he?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 3:11pm
You're focusing on the wrong issue, IMO. Whether HE is bothered by the messages doesn't really matter. It's the effect on YOU that keeping in contact has that should concern you.

Until you completely cut off contact with him, you won't be able to move on. And maybe that's ok with you for now, so long as you recognize that your behavior is going to keep you stuck. When you're ready to start on a path that will allow you to move on, you'll cut off contact.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 3:16pm
Hi,

I really wish you would reconsider sending him even one more message. He may not be bothered by the messages but that doesn't mean you should continue to write him. In fact, he may enjoy knowing that you are waiting for him. Let me tell you that my own brother broke it off with his girlfriend and she kept messaging him and everytime she did he would show it to his friends and gloat about how much she couldn't live without him... He got pats on the back by his friends...Brother or not, that was a jerky way to treat a woman. It's when you stop writing him altogether that will make him wonder what changed and maybe if only for curiosity he will contact you.... right now he doesn't need to, you are contacting him enough for the both of you. Please iamdelightful... reconsider. I wish you only the very best, honestly. Lucy

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 5:42pm
You know what Lucy? I haven't sent him one message today. I'm still kind of debating the idea in my head, but I haven't sent one. I think that's progress. So thanks for your encouragement!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 7:08pm
I have to be the lawyer and step in here - he may not have blocked your access to the account because he's collecting evidence that you're a stalker. Sorry, but you and everyone else know you're crossing a line by sending someone 20 messages a day. It's unreasonable, it's unwanted... it's harassment. And the easiest way to take care of it is NOT to block one form of communication - a dedicated stalker will just find another route (usually one more frightening, like showing up in person). The easiest thing to do is to give the person enough rope to hang him-/herself, and then take proof of the obsessive behavior to court to get a protective order. 20 messages a day speaks volumes, and would probably get him a restraining order simply by the sheer volume of unwanted contact.

Okay, maybe he's not building a case against you as a stalker. But I've been in the position of sending periodic (maybe once a week, not 20 a day) messages off into a black hole of no response. My ex told me he got and read every one, he just got pissed off and knew it was driving me crazy that he didn't respond. At the very least, why give him the satisfaction of this power over you? You expressed your doubt and regret, and offered to go to therapy to try to work on your relationship. There's really nothing more to say. Let it sink in, let him decide. If I were him, I'd just be overwhelmed (and frankly a bit scared) by the excessive display. I'd think it had more to do with you and your neuroses than about him and your feelings for him. And, honestly, you broke up with him - one of the consequences is that you don't get to use him as a sounding board for your every idea, don't get to share every random thought you have (that's called intimacy, and you slammed the door on that when you broke up, you don't have a right to try to force intimacy on him now). Just give him time to process things. Find a friend to share your observations with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 10:39pm
That's great progress that you haven't texted him today and you *Should* be proud!! I know this is hard and you're going to have an occasional setback but that's what we're here for but this is a great start in moving forward....baby steps. I know quitting texting him cold turkey is hard but it's really for the best......he may have forgotten how to change the password or just hasn't had time and the fact that he isn't responding should be a sign that he doesn't really *want* you to text him. I think stopping all contact with him will help you heal....if you can handle it. Good luck and I wish you the best!!!
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