having a very hard time w/ breakup today

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2006
having a very hard time w/ breakup today
10
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 6:18pm
My fiance' and I broke up last Monday and he moved 1200 miles away back to his home state. I'm so devestated. I had trust issues with him becasue of him hiding 3 weeks of calls to his ex girlfriend about 3 months into our relationship & then the other day I overheard him say his cell password and just told him I knew it in a joking way. Well, he took my laptop and ran through the house with it so i couldn't look up his bill, changed his password by walking down the street on the phone so I couldn't hear it & when I got upset and called him "shady" and accused him of hiding something he called me a control freak. Then when i started yelling at him telling him if he had my password I wouldn't care because I have nothing to hid, he grabbed his video camera and started taping me saying I was psycho. SO, I threw a cup of water into the camera & his face. Then he showed the video to his kids.
I was pissed, and I ended up slapping him in the mouth & told him I wanted him out.
SO a few days later he left and not two days after he got home he had a myspace page with 4 different friends on there that are girls. I was devestated. He also owes me 700 for lending him the money to buy his kids their plane tickets to see him. During the incident with the video camera he told me I wasn't getting the money & stuck his tounge out at me & was laughing. Real mature for a 32 yr old. I went off & called him every name possible & ripped him apart like no one's business.
Now that he's gone I've been very depressed. I haven't been able to eat, sleep well at all, and I've been crying non stop for a week. I have no motivation and don't want to do anything. ALl I think about are the good times. When he was sweet & how we made love and just the little things.
He says all this is my fault & i did this. How can someone just leave like that & get on myspace & start talking to other women? I saw these women & they are desperate in their bathing suits at ages 36 & 40 talking about going to parties & drinking. One of the girls even wrote him on his page that she missed the friday night party & her ears were ringing & now she knows why. I am so hurt and then I get angry. He changed his phone number too. I thought he loved me and wanted to marry me. he gave me a 2.5 carot diamond for gods sake.
I feel like I don't know what to do & I'm so loney while he's off having a great time it looks like. I just feel like nothing and I did love him but I don't think he understood me or something. WHy push my buttons over a cell password? Why? I would never do that to him.
I knwo he's not coming back but part of me wants him to call and tell me he loves me and wants me. He's not a party person or a big drinker so I don't understand what's he's doing with these girls who all they talk about on their myspace pages are drinking and partying.
My thought have become obsessed and I can't deal with this. When he was nice he was so sweet, gentle, never went out, always lovable to me. But then there is the bad temper of his and how he always thought I was up to something which I wasn't and I always had to defend myself. He's making me believe this is all my fault. I just want him to see I'm a beautiful person inside & out. I'm not who he makes me out to be.
I just need some encouraging words right now.
I need some comforting words.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2006
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 7:53pm
It'll be ok, you have to believe that and I have to too. My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me on Monday and I am devastated. There is someone out there who will treat you better and I know there is someone out there for me as well. Hang in there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 12:36pm

Here are some comforting words:

He was not worthy of you and sounds really immature. He's acting like a 12 year old. Gathering female friends on his MYSPACE after you broke up?! Ummmmm NO. You're are better off without this foolishness. Trust. Also he doesn't sound like a very nice person

No. Just.....No.




Edited 8/30/2007 12:36 pm ET by baalpriestess
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 2:16pm

OK some perspective here. I see a couple of red flags that I feel the need to address.

First thing is - somebody's password is their own business. I don't have anything to hide either, but it doesn't mean I want my SO digging through my stuff either. I want my space. The fact that he wants his personal password is NOT an indication that he's cheating or doing shady stuff. There's a clear lack of trust here.

Secondly, YES! he was being childish, but you weren't any better. If someone threw water in my face and slapped me, I would be on a one way trip out of the relationship, no regrets. Resorting to violence and profanity never solves anything. In fact, it's a reflection of yourself - you can't control your own emotions and actions. The worse part of this post is that you sound like your actions are JUSTIFIED. You aren't. Yes, perhaps he provoked you first, but it's the measure of greater character if you can restrain the urge to hurt him for it. Believe me, you a. prevent an escalating situation and b. come off better in the long run. By reacting this way, you're sinking down to his level. Lord knows you're better than this.

Does it make everything your fault? No. From your account, he sounds childish and into the blame game. He has a lot of stuff to work on himself. But recognize that you have a part in this too.

Susanna

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 2:46pm

Curlygrl,


I'm going to encourage you to find your center. To sit still for a bit and just sit with your feelings. You don't have to act them out or react to anything going on in your life.


He may have or may not have been already meeting girls on MySpace and may or may not have had a phone message that shouldn't have been there if he was serious about you. However, your *reaction* overshadows everything else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2006
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 3:24pm

Suzanne

First off let me say that my ex went behind my back for 3 weeks & called his ex 10 times a day & was having conversations for an hour with her sometimes & the reason I found out was because we were on the family plan & I got the bill. He also called this girl behind my back the day we were going to get married. So, when i overhear his password 6 months later & say to him "i know your password" in a joking manner thinking he wouldn't care if I knew it or not considering what he did to me before I really don't think it's a big deal. When someone betrays you & hurts you & has an emotional affair on the phone with an ex I would think they would do whatever to make you know they have nothing to hide.
So, he instead took my computer & had to run down the street like a 12 yr old to give a new password & then of course grab the camera & put it in my face & call me names cause I was mad. So throwing a cup of water at the vidoe camera after several requests of telling him to get it out of my face...in my opinion was called for & he just so happened to be on the other side of it. He's the abuser not me.
See if it were me & I did the backstabbing & hurt my bf by calling my ex 10 times a day for 3 weeks & talking to him for an hour sometimes about god knows what & then I begged him to be with me I'd sure as hell wouldn't care one bit if he overheard my password for my phone because If I had nothing to hide & I respected him & wanted him to know I cared & wanted him not to think of the pain he went through before...I would care less.
I'm not an abuser.
I'm a good person who was with someone who only cared about himself & he was not honest with me on several occasions. He looked throguh my cell phone & checked the history everytime I walked awya from the computer. I don't do things like that & never have. And when people do they are usually they one's who are up to something. So I put two & two together after the password incident & figured the reason why he was always accusing me of stuff I wasn't doing becasue he was doing it once again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2006
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 3:53pm

I have taken full responsibility for loosing control & I feel horrible about this.
I have taken responsibility for my part in how it played out. I can't change things but I can say that he may not be the right person for me becasue pushing buttons is not love & provoking & antagonizing isn't love either.
My ex was a control freak, not me. I occassionaly wanted to meet a friend after work for drinks & he would flip out. I didn't see the big deal but I wouldn't argue either. I lent him $700 for his kids planes tickets to see him & he told me while they were there he wasn't paying me back. Who does that?
I'm not perfect but sometimes people can only take so much. I did a lot for him on a daily basis that wore me out. I helped him so much with his business while I even have a full time job. He also has a track record for cheating on everyone he has been with & even told me he had no conscience about it, but would never do it to me.
I was insecure & wanted to feel open & connected to him but he was too secretive and missing a sensitivity chip. If I did what he did about that password thing he would have flipped.
I don't think I handle myself right sometimes but no one is perfect. I am trying.
I am going through a lot right now becasue he is sayign EVERYTHING is my fault. It's not.

I need to stop talking about this because it's making me crazy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 4:22pm

Actually, not talking about it will make things worse, so just get it all out.


I see things this way:

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 5:30pm

Hi again,


I gotta say I totally agree with Sandra.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 6:58pm

I definitely feel your pain with the trust issue. My boyfriend of 10 months broke up with me Tuesday night. All of our problems started over his love for his ex gf. When we were in Florida on a romantic vacation in May, he got really drunk and I had to call his friend for something, and I found that he had sent his ex gf a text message from Florida saying, "I hope things are going well for you at home. Florida is empty without you. I love you always and can't wait to talk to you again." I actually believed his nonsense lie that it was all a joke, and as a fool I get dumped in the end. The things we do for men. I think we need to stand strong, cry, cry cry...get it all out. Cry for as long as you need to (that's what I'm doing), and journal every improvement. I know the last thing we want to hear is "oh there will be someone better." Because at this point we wish they would come back and just change. But maybe look at the long-term picture and invision what your life would have really been like with this guy day in and day out in a marriage.

If you have some time, read my blog titled "BF gone but surprise party still planned." I have NO idea what's going on!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 9:07pm

I truly sympathize. I'm really serious. But I reinterate what my point is - he really DOES need a keeper, but his actions don't condone yours either. I think the first thing they drilled into us as camp counsellors many many moons ago was that if you're angry, you never ever touch the person you're angry with - you only end up doing something you'll regret.

My ex too was childish. It HURT when I read all the comments he wrote on Facebook about me. Things like how I was a controlling bitch and was nothing but deadweight and tortured him and the like. He'd pottymouthed me to his mom too - she took a chunk off me on the phone. Talk about bitter pill to swallow. How could I have so mis-judged this man? And he didn't come cheap either. He'd lived rent and grocery free at my place for 8 months. I'd pulled major strings to get him into the program he was too lazy to apply for. Helped him with applications and homework. Helped him boost up his resume. This is a guy who has a wishbone where has backbone is and needs someone to facilitate his dreams.

I spent many many days fantasizing about squashing his head under my shoe. I wanted to hurt him so badly when I found out and I COULD have. I could have torn up his stackful of certificates of participation. His entire year's worth of volunteer work down the drain because he had the bad luck to break up with the president of every club he joined. I could have gone on Facebook and smeared his name. Sent out the 'accidental' email, destroyed him with my friends. Set his car on fire (ketchup packet in the muffler, btw ^^). But I didn't because I have to live with myself for the rest of my life. Sometime next year, I want to be proud of the fact that I took the high road. To this day, only my best friend knows all the crap in full and how ungentlemanly he was. To the rest of my friends, we only 'didn't work out'. NO blame, no finger pointing, no bad guys. In 20 years, I'll be able to bump into him and look him in the eye without a shred of embarrassment.

Nobody handles it right every time, don't beat yourself over for it. I'm glad you see where your part of the blame in this matter is. It puts you MILES ahead of him. Someone who can't admit to their own faults never goes far.

cheers
Susanna

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your