Having a weird night...
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| Sun, 10-24-2004 - 8:37pm |
For once, knowing that he is with her at this exact moment doesn't hurt. It just makes me feel confused. I feel somewhat happy for him that he's apparently found somebody special. He's been with her for nearly 6 months now...and they appear to be doing well. Of course, I can only assume this from what I read on his away messages and from what he's told me the few times we have actually spoken since our breakup.
But at the same time (although I don't feel angry), I feel a little sad. Not because I want to be the one carving pumpkins with him, etc...but because I want something like that in my life again. I guess it isn't really him that I miss, more like having a companion. I really miss being in love. As scary as it was at times, it was the best feeling in the world.
It scares me to think that I might end up alone. Deep down, I know I'm being silly and that I'm young and still have a lot more to experience...that someday, I'll meet Mr. Right :) But a part of me is afraid that will never happen. It's so weird--before I met the ex, I dated but it was never anything serious. I was fine being single...I can honestly say that I wasn't lonely. But then we met and I fell in love...and even though nothing in my life is that different than what it was before he entered it, I feel alone now.
A part of me wishes that I could go back to the time in my life when I didn't know the ex, and I didn't know what it felt like to be in love. I wish that I were still as innocent and content with being on my own. But I know that if it hadn't been him, it probably would have been someone else to break my heart. I know that heartbreak is a fact of life and that we all experience it at some point or another. I know that I grew a lot from this experience and that despite the pain, I'll come out better and stronger in the end. I know that everything happens for a reason...I don't regret meeting my ex.
I guess I'm just confused at what stage of the healing process I'm at right now. I haven't contacted him in awhile; he sent me an IM last week, but I never responded...and I haven't had any urge to lately. I think I've accepted that he isn't the one for me and vice versa. I know he's with someone else...and whether that works out or not, he and I will never be together again...I couldn't do it. I know that I deserve better.
I went out on Friday night with a guy I had recently met. We didn't really seem to click that well...he was nice, but there was no chemistry and I don't think either of us are interested. Is it weird that it made me sad that it didn't work out? I'm not saying I was ready to jump right into a relationship with him or anything...I wasn't really expecting much out of it. He doesn't really have what I'm looking for--he seemed more like a friend type than boyfriend.
But I was still disappointed. I no longer wish to be with my ex--I don't think that highly of him anymore (although a part of me will probably always care about him)--I know I could never go back. I just wish I could move on like he did...that I could find someone special again. Why does he get to be happy while I'm still alone?
And why is it that I feel like I need love to be complete? I have a great family, amazing friends, I go to a good college and I honestly have nothing to complain about right now. And I'm not trying to sound conceited, but I think I'm attractive and a really good person. I know I have a great heart. I honestly don't think I have low self-esteem...so why is it that I want to be in love so much? I know I'm fine without it...I know I don't NEED a boyfriend. I'm not going to just settle with someone because I'm lonely.
But sometimes I think it would be better to never know what being in love is like...then you don't know what you're missing out on when you don't have it anymore...
"I'm afraid I'm always going to be someone's sister, best friend, or confidante...but never quite someone's everything."
"...and for that one moment you've been given this amazing gift and you want to laugh and cry at the same time because you're so lucky you found it and so scared that it will go away."
"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."
"The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved -- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."
"The opposite sex is the most dangerous and addictive drug out there, but the high is unlike anything else."

i wish i could give you words of comfort, because i, too, lost that wonderful sensation of being in love, and it hurts more than anything. but the thing that is the weirdest, is when you're "over" them, there still is an empty space inside you. no matter how content you may be, there's always something missing.
i hope you find love again (preferably soon), and i hope i can get to the point where you are right now. knowing that other people are going through/have gone through the same things as me has been a tremendous comfort.
i hope what i've said has been at least slightly helpful.
<3
best of luck!
Yes, it is really nice to know that others can emphasize with you. These discussion boards have been a great help. I can talk to my friends at home or here at school, but I always worry that they're getting sick of hearing about it--plus it's just comforting knowing that others have been and are going through the same thing I am.
I think you said it best--"I don't want to be with HIM, but i don't want to be alone." When we first broke up, I felt like my ex was this amazing person that I could never replace...that I'd always love him, always want to be with him, etc. But I think a big part of it was that I just didn't want to be alone. I'd never had this fear before...but once I experienced love and how wonderful it can really be, I was afraid to be without it. And some people might say that it's because I must have low self-esteem, that I'm the type who needs a boyfriend to feel complete, etc...but that's just bs. I know I'm a good person and I know that I'm happy and comfortable within myself. But love is a feeling that nothing else can compare to...it is the most amazing thing in the world, and not having it anymore is very painful.
It's funny...before I met my ex and was just dating people casually/sometimes not at all, I could look at my friends involved in relationships and NOT feel jealous. I'd think to myself, "oh they're so cute together" or "I'm so happy for them"...I felt complete on my own. I never thought twice about the fact that I was usually single/alone. But then I met him, and everything changed...I saw for myself how incredible love is--how it changes you and the way you see the world. And when I lost that, I felt incomplete. He had taken a big piece of me...my heart.
Luckily I'm slowly getting it back :) But I know what you mean about there being an empty space inside of you now even if you DON'T want to be with them. I am not in love with my ex anymore. Like I said in my original post, I know I couldn't go back to him...but I still feel like something is missing. I wonder if once I meet someone new, that empty feeling will go away? But sometimes I fear that little by little, a piece of my heart will be taken away each time something like this happens. It scares me to think of all the future breakups I might have to deal with...of course, the next man I meet could be Mr. Right...but you never know. Sometimes these discussion boards make me sad--it shows how many people are hurting out there and how fragile love really is.
I guess for now all I can do is concentrate on ME...and make myself even better for the next guy (hopefully the right guy)! :) Good luck with your situation...be strong. And I hope you find love again soon as well, when you're ready.
Hehe yeah, I know I should really stop reading away messages. It isn't that I just read his...I read everyone's! It's a bad habit but it's so addicting...I just like knowing what everyone is up to. But the sad part is I don't even have him on my buddy list anymore--I just remember his screenname and check it occasionally...ugh!
How recent was your breakup? Are you alright, dealing with it well? You are right about how you should surround/involve yourself with things that make you happy and keep you satisfied. I've been spending a TON of time with friends and I'm trying to work on becoming even closer to my family. I'm also getting out more and meeting new guys, hehe.
I guess I just feel like I'm ready to move on...meet someone new. It isn't that I need a guy to complete me...I just miss being in love. But don't get me wrong, I'm not going to find someone JUST to have someone. I'm going to take things slow, be careful, and make sure I find a good guy :) Because I know that's what I really want and deserve...and the same goes for you!
Best of luck to you as well...be strong and eventually things will work out for the best...just give it time :) and take care of yourself! <3
My ex and I broke up almost 6 months ago...he has had a new girlfriend ever since. But he continued to string me along and play games with me for months after--simply because I LET HIM. I let him take advantage of my feelings for him and give me false hope. I was afraid of being alone...of being without love. But I've slowly learned that I'm better off without him...that he didn't truly care and he isn't the type of person I need in my life. He is not who I once thought he was. He was a big part of my life for 2+ years...and not all of that time was spent dating. We were good friends for awhile, and I miss that aspect of our relationship. But he's shown his true colors since then...and I can see that he's actually done me a favor.
You've been with your boyfriend for 3 years and you live together...I won't lie, you're going to have a rough time breaking up. Everyone handles it differently...but let's face it, breakups are never fun. Chances are, you will have to move out...it would be too painful having to see him everyday...and too tempting. You would be too easily influenced into getting back together, sleeping with him, etc. Your whole life will be turned upside down...and yes, you will feel incredibly alone. But being alone on your own is far better than being alone while IN a relationship. TO answer one of your questions, my ex and I were long-distance--so no, I didn't feel like I had to move out in order to truly move on. He lives in another state, so the chances of ever seeing him again are very slim :b But like I said, it would be for the best if one of you moved out after the breakup.
It's going to be a long, painful journey after your breakup...but you WILL get through it. Look at how many people in the world have loved, lost, and found love again! You will feel weak, but you will really be growing stronger...this will give you an opportunity to explore yourself and figure out what you really want. If you aren't happy in your relationship, you aren't living your life to its fullest. The longer you stay in the relationship, the more hurt you will feel in the end. It's best to get out before it gets any worse.
It really does get better with time...I'm living proof of that. I may feel lonely at times and I may miss being in love...but at the same time, I feel stronger than ever. I feel better and healthier than I have in months. It took me awhile, but I realized that my ex wasn't the one...and that he was only bringing me down. I let him control my life for far too long...but I've finally taken control of it :) It feels great!
Bottom line--if you aren't happy in your relationship, don't stay in it. I'm sure you are a strong, capable person...you will move on with your life, and you will find happiness within yourself and with someone else eventually :) Good luck...please do what's best for you in the long run.