He broke up with me but still likes me..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
He broke up with me but still likes me..
8
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 2:33am

I posted a couple weeks ago about my boyfriend breaking up with me. Here is a link to the second post I made, which has a link to the first post I made about it in it: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=21502.1&ctx=128

The week after we broke up, my ex was acting pretty normal around me. He continued to sit next to me in class, and he would wait to leave until I was ready to leave. We'd walk the same way as usual, and stood in the stair well talking before he had to go to English as usual. The only difference was that we didn't kiss before departing.

Two weekends after we broke up, he invited me to go to a party with him. It was a nice party--he wore a suit, and I wore a stunning dark red cocktail dress, black heels, and red lipstick, and he kept commenting on how much he liked the stark difference between my red lips and my light skin. We talked a lot during the party, and he actually opened up a bit to me about his life at home which he'd never done before. He also had a bit to drink and became somewhat tipsy. I walked him back to his place so he could change before we were supposed to go meet up with some friends. We never made it out of his apartment. We ended up talking for a while, and by the time we realized what time it was, it was late so he invited me to stay the night.

We turned on a movie, and I snuggled up on the couch with him next to me, but ended up paying little attention to the movie as he got the bright idea that it would be fun to tickle me. At one point, I fell off the couch because of his onslaught. I ended up with my butt on the floor and my feet still on the couch. Mind you, I was still wearing the cocktail dress, but I had taken off my pantyhose and heels. He looked down at me and his eyes went up my skirt. I called him out on this, and he said he admitted nothing. I told him he denied nothing either, and he just smiled.

When he wasn't tickling me, he generally had a hand resting on either my knee or my thigh. He also kept running his fingers over my lips, still commenting on the redness of them. He'd run his finger over my lips and then slide it into my mouth. Me being the playful sort, I'd bite him. He kept doing this.

Eventually, he gave me some clothes to sleep in--boxers that I had to roll at the waist to make them fit and a t shirt that was much too long so it looked like I had no pants on at all. It was so strange though. We went to separate rooms to change even though we've seen each other naked so many times. It was just kind of awkward.

Then we got in to bed, which surprised me since I figured I'd be sleeping on the couch. While in bed, he decided to tickle me more, and my accidentally kneeing him in the face twice did nothing to deter him. He'd tickle me, and I'd always end up on top of him, straddling him. I'd move and it would all happen again. At one point when I was on top of him, he started running his fingers through my hair. Eventually I tried to move and he wouldn't let me. Then he started rubbing my back. I tried to get off of him again, and he still wouldn't let me so I gave in and just let him hold me. It isn't that I didn't want to be in his arms. I did, but I felt really awkward. His behavior was confusing me.

After a while, I started to sniffle a little because I was upset. He asked me what was wrong, and I wasn't very willing to open up so he asked me if I was sad and I said yes. He asked if it was his fault and I said yes. He asked me to talk to him, and it took me a while before I could get out that I didn't understand what had gone wrong between us. He said he felt like we skipped the friends stage, which is true that we did. The chemistry between us was so instantaneous that we didn't know each other too long before we started dating, and the sexual aspects moved very quickly as well. He admitted to still having feelings for me but he feels that we need to be friends first, and we'll just have to see what happens. we may or may not get back together. For the time, though, he said there should be no kissing and no sex.

Ok. Fastforward to this past Wednesday I went over to his place to hang out with his roommate. We were in their room watching a movie when my ex got home. My ex started watching the movie with us, and his roommate left. After a while, my ex started flirting with me again. He started in with the tickling so I tickled back. His roommate had a sex book on his desk that he had recived from his human sexual behavior prof for being the best student in the class so my ex picked it up and we started flipping through it. It talked about good places to have oral sex. He was reading from the list, and I threw in "an empty classroom." He said, "It doesn't say that in...Oh." And he just looked at me and I smiled. It didn't say it in the book, but we knew from personal experience. The last place it listed was "a bed with satin sheets." He looked down at his roommates bed, which just so happened to have satin sheets, as he read this.

Anyway, he went back to the whole running his fingers over my mouth and sticking his finger in my mouth thing. I bit a few times before I got creative, and basically started acting like I was performing oral sex on his finger. This turned him on, and then I had to leave to catch the last bus that would take me back to my dorm. He told me I was a wicked woman. Also, our conversation from Tuesday night revealed that there were several times where he just wanted to rip off my clothes and ravage me, but he'd been holding back.

I sometimes buy the boys groceries because I am there so much so Thursday I stopped by with some milk for them, and was going to leave to go back to my place because I had just finished practicing ballet and I needed a shower. My ex grumbled when I told him I was going back to my place to shower. I said, "What? You don't like the idea of me showering?" He said, "I don't like the idea of you leaving to shower." To this I replied with "Well, I guess I can take one here." He said he needed one as well.

A couple hours later, he got into the shower without saying anything to me. I sat there debating for a while as to whether or not I should join him. His roommate kept telling me to go, but I was afraid he'd changed his mind since he didn't say anything to me. After a while, I heard the water turn off, and I made up my mind. I opened the door and told him to turn the water back on because he wan't finished. He said, "Well, I guess I'm still dirty then." He also said he had been wondering if I was going to join him, and I told him I had to think about it. He then kissed me. He asked me if I was ok with him doing that and said, "If you say yes, I can't be held accountable for my actions." I said yes, and he pretty much attacked me. We didn't have sex in the shower, but a lot of kissing and groping went on. It was nice.

Friday, I went back over to his place because I wanted to see him one last time before he went home Saturday. I also wanted to ask him if he was ok with Thursday's shower. He said he was which was a relief. Anyway, after a while, everyone except for one of the guys he lives with left. The other guy has a different room so we were alone in his room. He started tickling me more, and his hand eventually went between my legs. I didn't even need his hand against my skin to orgasm. Him rubbing me through my jeans was enough. Things escalated from there, and we had some pretty amazing sex. I think from start to finish it lasted about an hour and a half with foreplay being about half of it. It was great.

Afterwards, he asked me if I was ok with what had just happened, and I said yes. I asked him if he was and he said yes. Then he said, "but I don't know if it will happen again." WHAT? I think "I had fun" would have sufficed. Arg.

It was his rule that said no kissing or sex, and he broke his rule. I admit some part in it obviously, but I didn't force him. It's just frustrating. It's like we take a step forward and then he backs off. It's kind of throwing me for a loop.

I sent him an e-mail last night enumerating the damage he had done to me during sex on Friday. I'm pretty bruised and I have a few scratches. He listed for me what I had done to him. He has far more bruises and scratches than I do which he sounded pretty pleased about. He didn't sound like he regretted anything, which is good. It doesn't help my confusion any though. I think he is confused which REALLY does not help.

So yeah. I'm not quite sure if this is a rant or what, but if anyone would like to comment or provide any insight as to what might go on inside a man's head in this situation, I would be happy to hear it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 12:17pm

He broke the rule? Oh my, the both of you were playing with fire for days, flirting, tickling, all the foreplay and now you wonder 'how it happened?' If a different person was doing all those things with you, you'd know the intention of what was happening, and/or you'd stop it dead because *friends* don't behave that way.

He likes the thrill, the teasing, the flirting, but wants it with no strings attached. You are going to have to be the one to set firm boundaries and stick to them. But of course, if you like it too and you are hoping that it means he will change his mind about the break up, well, chances are you will be the one to get hurt.




Edited 12/18/2006 12:18 pm ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 3:45pm

Hmm, seems you want to be told that this is the way back to his heart and the way back to a relationship with him, but NO it doesn't happen that way.


He didn't break his own rule, you were right there.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 5:04pm

Certainly sounds like he is testing things out...and is probably pumped because he now thinks he can have his cake and eat it to--aka he still gets all the physical stuff with you but none of the commitment. Of COURSE he's "ok" with this situation! Think about it this way....what if you found out that he was messing around with another girl? I'm guessing you wouldn't like it, but in his mind it's fine because you and him are "just friends." Everyone is right, you need to stand up for yourself, and set the boundaries. You are in charge! Belive me, I know how hard it is to resist someone that you are so very attracted to, but you've gotta know yourself well enough to be able to make decisions on how this will effect you long-term. Sounds like a recipe for you getting hurt!!

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 9:52pm

"It was his rule that said no kissing or sex, and he broke his rule. I admit some part in it obviously, but I didn't force him."

I feel as if I didn't express the above statements correctly. What I meant was that he has been calling the shots. He broke up with me. He initiated most of the physical contact that we've had since we broke up--innocent contact or otherwise. He told me he wanted to shower with me, and he initiated the sex. Basically, I'm trying to go with the flow and let him figure out what he wants to do because I know what I want to do, and he knows what I want to do. If it were up to me, this would be fixed, but it isn't up to me. We have to figure out something that we can both live with, and right now, the ball is in his court on that one.

So yes, I obviously took part in the kissing and sex as it did require both of us, but they are not MY rules to enforce or to break. He set rules that HE wanted to abide by. Ok. He decided to throw said rules out the window. He set them, so that's his perogative. That's fine and dandy. Had he not told me he wanted to shower with me, it would have never happened. Had he not been threatening to ravage me for days until he finally did so, it would have never happened. Why? Partially because I'm simply too timid to put myself out there like that and risk his rejection, but also because I respect him too much to risk crossing a line when I'm not absolutely positive he wants me to cross it. Where he loses me is in flip-flopping back and forth between rules and no rules. He does not want the sex. Then he does. Then he doesn't. He can't make up his mind about what he wants.

I'm fully aware of how things escalated to us having sex so I don't wonder what happened for us to get to that point, and I do not regret us having sex Friday evening. He says he doesn't regret it either, yet he was rather quick to say we may not revisit such activity. That's where my mind just stops comprehending.

I'll certainly admit that my lack of comprehension as to what is going on inside his head may be completely attributed to my lack of experience. I think some of his confusion may be caused for the same reason on his part. I'm 18 and he is 21. He's my second real relationship and he said I am his first, though we are both each other's second partner as far as sex is concerned.

I'll also be the first to admit that we really suck at this JUST friends thing, especially since we are both still attracted to each other.

Well, I won't see him for the next month...so maybe that will give us some time to let things cool off a bit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 12:24am

I think your confusion

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 6:04am

I understand your situation. I have experienced similar things. I have thought in my mind and analysed guy's thinking with my friends over and over again.

This guy broke up with you, because some of his own reasons, but it doesn't mean he stop liking you. He set the rules "no kissing, no sex", that's because he truely wants to be friends with you and still wants to see you despite without all the phyical connection. BUT that's only rational mind, in his heart, he still wants that, he just doesn't want to admit it. Men sometims are naive, they struggles within their minds and avoids complications.

The results of their actions will only hurt girls they love. In your situation, he initialed everything, but you didn't say no, because you wanted it too and you enjoyed the fact that he initialed which means he's still very interested in you. You konw you are not in a relationship anymore, but you want to still be his side and wait to see where it goes...

The guy said he didn't want to do it anymore(sex), his mind was speaking, he asked if you were ok with it, because deeply he knew it wasn't right thing to do. I think he is a good guy, but he's action will hurt you more in future. He may start to pull away sometimes, but the more you see him, the more emotional attachment you will have with him.

My advise: it's never easy to keep seeing the person you just broke with and you still have strong feelings, but I konw it's harder to cut off if there's no serious problems b/n you guys. try to put your attention on somthing else and don't lift your hope with him and not expect anything more... and think one month departed is a great thing, it's good to not talk to him too much during this time.

Good luck!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 12:03pm

""""I'm gonna call a spade a spade """"

What exactly does this mean? My cousin used that same phrase with me a bunch of times on the phone last night....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 12:29pm
Meaning, not beating around the bush.

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