He broke NC!!! What's up with that??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2006
He broke NC!!! What's up with that??
10
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 9:35pm

Hello all-

I'm so glad I discovered this board. My BF of 4 years and I broke up 2 1/2 weeks ago and this board has helped so much!!! I've been doing all the right things, getting out of the house, writing in my journal, talking to my therapist and leaning on friends, but this has been a great place to chat with people who know exactly what I'm going through.

Its been a tough time, but I broke things off with him because I wanted a future with him and he wasn't sure he could ever go down that road again after his first marriage "failed" (his words, not mine). It was very tough to end things since after hitting a pretty rough patch last summer we had finally been able to rebuild what we had lost and gained so much more. I still question whether I had jumped the gun, but that's all in the past now and I can't take it back.

He left last week after getting a temporary apartment and came up last Saturday to pick up a couple things. I had hoped and planned that he would have come with a moving truck, but instead he only took some clothes. I had to make him take is computer and phone charger. He hung out on the couch for a few hours, still don't know why, and we hadn't spoken again until tonight when he called. We had a great conversation about what's gone on in our lives in the past week, work, school, etc., nothing emotional. He seemed to need me to know everything that's going on with him and how much he dislikes his new place, how he hasn't been going out at all, been working alot. He was warm and supportive of my work and school, things I had done this past week and I am working on. He sounds so lost and confused. He's coming up tomorrow to get most of his stuff, which I guess was the purpose of the call, but that could have been accomplished in 10 seconds. He still hasn't had his mail forwarded 1 1/2 weeks later.

I know what I did was the right thing and I can't take it back, but I still question the timing. I've been so strong the past few days but I know that the moment he walks through the door, I am going to really struggle. I miss him terribly and love him so much my heart aches. I can't shake the feeling that we're not finished, probably just a severe state of denial.

Anyway, I don't know if I had a question or I just needed someplace to put all this. Thanks for giving me a place to vent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 3:47pm

h2ogirl206...

Pianoguy understands the "venting!" He'd do more of it on this (and other ivillage boards) if he thought his personal lifestyle and certain health issues would improve?

But let's look at your situation instead....OKAY?

You've been a strong lady for the past 2.5 weeks with the NC promise. CONTINUE MAINTAINING THAT STRENGTH! Let the man pick up the rest of his stuff and leave. DO NOT permit him to go into excuses or explanations right now. Nor should you!

Let enough "time" work on each of you? Once it has...and you honestly believe the wounds between you have healed...you can always try again? That's assuming you want to?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 8:13am

NC goes in both directions. The reason for it is to give you time to heal -- every time you speak or he drops by to pick up clothes or whatever, that wound is reopened and it takes both of you longer to heal. He needs NC as much as you do. I know he is picking his things up in stages and I'm sure there's a reason for that, but you need to get it all out of your place and get him on with his life...and not answer the phone when he calls. It's only prolonging the pain and suffering for both of you. If he has this time away and decides he can't live without you, then it'll be for the best.

His mail still isn't forwarded? Sounds to me like he's not going to let you out of his life anytime soon. I suspect you probably aren't being firm about getting him out of your life either, maybe out of guilt or the fact that you still love him?

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2006
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 2:30pm

Hey guys-

Thanks for your posts, they help so much.

He's completely dragging his feet on letting go. He spent ALL weekend at my house under the pretense that he was cleaning out and packing up the rest of his stuff, which he did, so he could remove it, which he is VERY SLOWLY doing. He also fixed my computer, rewired cable, etc. in the process. Every time I turn around, I find some little thing of his that he has put back on a shelf eventho I keep putting it back on the pile to move, I don't get this.

I've been riding the emotional roller coaster for the past 2 1/2 weeks and am ready to get off, its so draining. When Sunday rolled around and he showed up at my door at 9am with no moving truck AGAIN, eventhough I told him make sure he had one when he came back, I didn't have the strength to fight. I was weak and we ended up spending the day (and night) together. I don't regret it, we were able to clear the air about somethings, but I know I have to set boundaries now, otherwise this will just continue. He's got the best of all worlds without the commitment.

I guess my question is, how do you communicate boundaries that are firm, but are not so harsh that they will allow for a possible friendship somewhere down the road.

Thanks for your help.

Glum in Gloucester

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 3:05pm

I'm sure the friendship could be resumed further down the road no matter what happens right now. You need to box everything up that is his -- and I do mean EVERYTHING, down to his toothbrush. If you really want off the emotional roller coaster, start NC beginning now and have a third party deliver the goods to him. (Or leave them on his front porch.) Then be firm about not talking to him. Don't answer the door when he shows up at your house, don't take his phone calls, just cut the contact altogether. Otherwise, as you said, he's just going to continue to try to have the best of all worlds. Now, I say all this assuming you're serious about getting him out of your life. If part of you is resisting letting go, then you're probably not going to listen to a word I say and every weekend he's going to be in your bed, "clearing the air."

Steph

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 4:53pm

If a friendship down the road is meant to be, then you could say almost anything now and it will be ok, he'll understand why you did it.

The important thing is to be firm. You don't have to be unkind (well, unless he disrespects the boundaries you are trying to set, then you may need to be a little mean), but you do need to be firm. I usually say something along the lines of, "I need to not have any contact with you for the time being, it's just too hard for me. I hope you can respect that. I'll be in touch when I'm ready".

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 6:27pm

Ladies, I have been following this thread.

I'm a guy that was given the "hopefully we can still be friends talk" recentlly by my girlfriend...

What I'm really not understanding here is the theory behind NC.

If an ex contacts you and there is a possibilty that they might and I mean might have seriouslly reconcidered their dicision to break up and contacts you to talk about it, why would you want NC???

Shouldn't the line of communication be left open to this??? Doesn't NC shut this door and lock it?

Dont mean to hijack the thread but was just trying to totally understand the reasoning behind NC.
Thanks

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 6:39pm

That's a good point...if I do want to leave the door open to reconciling (and he was the one who broke things off) I will also say something along the lines of, "if in the meantime you change your mind and decide that you are 100% ready to make a commitment , then I hope you will call me. Otherwise, I'll call you when I'm ready to be friends."

The reasoning behind no contact is that it's necessary in order to move on and recover from the breakup (actually it takes three things, time, no contact, and acceptance that it's over and that the two of you weren't right for each other).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 7:20am

Sure, you can keep the lines of communication open, keep that window cracked just a little. And how long are you going to do that? Because as long as that window is open you're going to be just sitting around, waiting for that person to reconcile with you. I spent over a year waiting around for a man who was in a relationship that was supposedly on its way down. I thought, there's no harm in just keeping him as an option while I date others. But you know what I found? As long as that man was anywhere on my radar, I could never fully go on with my life.

I think NC came into play for me when I'd truly had enough. I was ready to push this unhealthy relationship out of my life for good. Was I over him? Heck no! But it's been 13 days now since I last spoke to him and this morning he wasn't my first thought upon waking up and he's not occupying my every thought now. I cried a little Sunday but besides that, I've had a mostly tear-free couple of weeks. Granted, I'm not in the same place others are on this board because I've been trying to get over him almost as long as I've known him! But no matter what your relationship was, someday you'll get to the point where you're tired of the crying, tired of the roller coaster, tired of spending all your time anguishing over something that will never be. And THAT is when you'll fully be able to go on with your life. If your relationship is all that great that it can be saved, then by all means keep that window open. But I think a lot of people on here know, deep down, that things are damaged and would never be the same even if he/she did come back. And quitting that person cold turkey is the surest, quickest way to get over it. "Have you ever been hurt and the place tries to heal a bit, and you just pull the scar off of it over and over again?" ~Rosa Parks

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2006
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 10:11am

All very good points. When I broke things off with my BF, I simply said that "if you don't see a future with us, then I can't be in this relationship anymore because I don't want to feel bad about wanting the things that I want and I don't want to resent you for not wanting the same things". I could never deliver the "marry me or else" ultimatum because who wants to be with someone who was bullied into marrying them.

If I'm being completely honest with myself, I am totally split down the middle. Half of me is working on healing the pain so that I can move on and look forward to find the right one. The other half of me is still holding on to a teeny tiny shread of hope that he will figure out what he needs/wants now and for his future and that might include me.

But I can't live my life thinking that he will come running back, saying that he is totally committed to building a future with me. When those thoughts creep back into my mind, I remind myself that I broke things off for a reason and I am better off not living with the uncertainty anymore and now that its lifted, I am so much calmer. Trust me, this is no picnic, but it gets a little bit easier every day.

Thanks all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 10:25am

I read somewhere recently that as there are some people who fear marriage because of the commitment, there are just as many people who cling to the hope of marriage because they think it will keep them from losing the man (or woman) they love. It's this subconscious thing of, "If he marries me, then he can't leave me." So I guess the key question is WHY do you want marriage? For some people it just seems like it's the next logical step, for others it's because they have always dreamed of being married...

I honestly think that when you are dating someone and they break things off like this, it puts a crack in the foundation that never completely heals. If they do come back, it's really never the same. I think that's why I'm divorced now and why I never was completely happy in my marriage. He broke up with me twice while we were dating. We were in college so he was doing that "I want to date other people" thing, but both times I mourned him, went through the healing process, and had just started to go on with my life when he came back. Of course I took him back, just as most of the people on this board would take their exes back at most points in the healing process. And I would have told you I was SO happy and this was the man of my dreams and I was madly in love, blah, blah, blah. But I'm here to tell you now that it was still there, somewhere in my subconscious, that he had doubts about me. Doubts that were big enough that he felt the need to break my heart not once but twice. (Although the first time was the most damaging, I think...) Just points to ponder. I know all relationships go through rocky periods, but if someone is telling you they don't want to be with you or even that they aren't sure, I think you need to listen to that. You deserve someone who IS sure, who never has doubts, and although it seems like that's impossible, it can happen. I know plenty of very happy couples for whom it DID happen.

Steph