HE CALLED....I ANSWERED

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
HE CALLED....I ANSWERED
6
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 10:18am

Ok all, now what? He called first thing this morning on his way to work, I was planning on ignoring him, as I had stated on my last post, especially being I sent the DEAR JOHN e-card. (which he hasn't read yet) Well, out of habit and a dead sleep, I answered the phone...Hi Weezie, how are you? I was like on mute for a second, I was like, great, how are you? He's like i'm ok, how was your 4th...i was like greaat!!! (NOT) He's like what did you do? (felt like saying none of your damn business) I said, oh, i went to a party, he asked if it was fun, and I said of corse it was fun, anytime I spend with my best friend (of over 25yrs) is fun for me.

So I was being alittle short, not rude, just short, and EVERY time I am like that on the phone he knows something is wrong. I didn't ask why he didnt call me on his way home, I played it cool, he proceded to tell me that he spent the night playing online poker, yadda yadda, (which I knew already) so I said, well thats nice, basically not asking or caring about his night. So we talked about the rain and how I cannot go to the beach today, and I'm like yeah, on my favorite day of the week too....he's like yeah, its, "WEEZIE WEDNESDAY" I said, I know, he said, everyday is weezie wednesday, which is a statement he made long, long time ago when we became super close, like weezie wednesday turned into weezie everyday. So I said, yeah, I guess, but not weezie wednesday with you everyday anymore apparently. He didn't have a jerky reply like usual. He was being ultra sweet and nice...said, I am almost at work, I will call you later...I didn't respond and he said, oh, BTW, I found your index card (he has study notes on indexs) I said oh finally huh? I wrote that like a month or so ago, he said yeah, that just shows you how long its been since i have been studying. so he says, but I did alot of studying up at my family's house and it was very cute, your card...

Bruce loves Weezie
+
Weezie loves Bruce
=
Happily ever after

He thought it was endearing, (UGH!) So he said it again, can I call you later? I said, if you want, he said ok, I will call you later then, have a great day...u too, bye..

NOW what? Is this guy just an idiot or is he manipulative and not realize it? I understand he is bi-polar, and for most of the four years together he is 100% normal, seen him have an emotional downfall twice, and I have been there right by his side, holding him when he cried that he cant handle his job, etc... If I were smart, I would have hightailed it outa there and never looked back..but thats not my nature, plus i was already in love with him. ANYWAY, I am ramblin now, need some advice on how to handle this man, I want to be with him as you all know, so should I see him tonight, and have that talk? I know it will end in a breakup, unless he fights for me not to, and promises to respect my feeling better, etc (this happened once before, I was real strong, broke up with him for his inconsiderate way, and he cried and begged me not to leave, promised to be better, and he was, definetly, treated me like a queen for the last 2+ years, but now he is failing again....What do I do that will be in the best interest for me? I want to stay with him, want him forever, so will breaking up with him tonight increase my chances of that? Or just chill out and go with the flow? I am sooo upset and sooo confused, HELP IVILLAGER SISTERS!!!
xo,
Louise

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 11:28am

Sweety, is it possible he wants to try and is just a bumbling buffoon about how to go about it?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 12:00pm

That depends on what you want...if you want to be with him AS IS, and can accept what he's offering and be ok with that, then don't break up with him. But you need to think long and hard about whether you can accept him and his behavior AS IS.

And if you can't accept him as is, then letting go and moving on would be in your best interests because it doesn't sound like he's capable of sustaining the behavior that you want in a partner.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 12:30pm

Hi ladies,

thank you for your feedback, I really, really need it!! As far as the 'relationship' itself, it has been picture perfect for the last good 2 1/2 years of the four. Just recently it has turned over about a month ago when i brought up getting married and/or moving in together. It's like..."what do i NOT provide for you weezie?" well he provides everything a girl in love could want, companionship, love, constant contact, he cooks for me, we are best friends, do EVERYTHING together, and every other weekend when he has his daughter, we do everything as a family, the five of us (which has proven to be perfect too, our children have grown very close, his daughter with me, and my kids with him) BUT once I brought up the big "commitment" it was like oh no, i'm not ready financially for that, dont know if i ever wanted to get married again (he got burned bad financially, and emotionally by his EX) he said he swore he would never get close to another woman again. But, after our first year or so, he was happy to say he never thought he would be like this with someone ever again, and he loves me and wants to be with me, aside from all his negativity and fear or closeness. Well all has been GREAT, all around, my family loves him, i assume his family likes me, they live so far, we never see them...I do know his mom cares for me, she told me christmas eve where we all celebrated together while at his home, thank you for taking care of my baby boy, please make sure he takes his meds, etc.. and he does, faithfully every day, knwing he cannot stop or he goes on an emotional up and down with severity, i seen it over three years ago. So he knows not to stop, he is smart enough to know the concequences if he does. He has it all together, he is very intelectual, studying for his doctorate as we speak, takes great care of his very in shape body, (:P) has a great job, making over 200K, lives on the water, has a boat, drives a new Infinity G35, treats his daughter like gold, pays his huge childsupport faithfully, takes me on expensive trips, I mean everything is PERFECT!! But since that month ago drama, he has been alittle wierd, saying, he cannnot marry any time too soon, if i am willing to wait, which i am, but how long? I think that is a copout, he can at least put a ring on my finger, alothough he just shelled out $3,000 for his daughters theater camp, still paying for my birthday present to Jamaica in April, (first class all the way) and is anal about not having financial debt...sooooo and we need not mention the physical relationship, it is the best any girl or any man can ask for. So whats the problem? I dont know, that is why it is so hard. NO, I will not put up with his inconsiderate ways, I told him its all or nothing, I will not go back to the first year of dating, no way! I will not settle for less with him by no means, that makes me cheap and easy, and i am neither. Maybe he is getting cold feet? I dont know, but I just dont know how to handle him now, after the no call last night, that was total BS, and that was his way of showing me, I dont have to call you if I dont want to, I dont care if you knockedd yourself out swimming with your nephew, running around with your mom and grandmother the last two days, you did have a three hour ride, and might understand that you are looking to be alone last night, to do oyur own thing, but call me!!!! I dont kmow, help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thank you,
weez

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 12:54pm

Dear Louise,

I realize that you really love this man and it sounds like he loves you too, but if marriage is what you want I think you should leave him and just do no contact. As much as it hurts, it does give you clarity over time. You've been with this man for four years, and I'm guessing you're both at least in your mid-30's maybe even somewhere in your 40's. In other words, long enough to know what type of relationship and the level of commitment you want.

From the outside looking in it appears to be a simple case of he's just not ready to take the relationship to the next level. It's as simple as that. Either you're willing to wait until he's ready, which may be another year or two or three, or perhaps never, or you're not. If you're not ready, you just have to leave and do no contact. Make it clear to him why you're doing it. Tell him you love him and you have loved being his girlfriend for all these years but you would really like to be his wife. Then tell him if he's ever ready to take that next step to let you know.

And then do the hardest thing you will ever do: let him go. He may come back and he may not. But at least you'll have the satisfaction of knowing that you took care of yourself and acted in a way that preserves your dignity and self-esteem. Anything else is just maltreatment if you ask me.

Four years is long enough to know if you want to commit to someone, especially if things are as good as you say.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 1:04pm

Ok...given that additional information, you've got a decision to make then...can you be happy with him WITHOUT marriage? Because it doesn't sound like that's going to happen anytime soon, if ever.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 8:15pm
All the great things you've said about your relationship with him, it seems you've been happy up until the last month.

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