he is calling tonight- help

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
he is calling tonight- help
6
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 8:12am
It seems like this is more confusing then before I saw him this weekend.

I guess I had convinced myself over the past 2 months that my X had not loved me. How could you love someone for 20 years and suddnely "fall out of love." I think that was the only way I could rationalize what had happened in a sense. Now I know that is not true. I know he loved me and probably still does. I realize how easy it is to convince yourself of something...it is the easy way out.

I think he thought about waiting 5 years for me and then talked himself out of loving me- he convinced himself he was not in love with me. It is crazy. It would definitely be easier in some ways to start anew, but he does not want to close the book either. He definitely wants to maintain the friendship. We did this 20 years ago and allowed miscommunication and stupidity get in the way.

He just called this morning and I told him this. He said he did love me and still does but thinks there is just something about us that would not work in the long run. I asked him can he really give up without giving us a try-- seeing if it would work. He is going to call tonight at 6pm as we are both at work right now. He said he would not be calling if it was over.

I am not sure how to handle this? I want to be able to give us a try- but he has to want this too. If he gives it a half-hearted effort it won't work so why even bother. Maybe he wants to be able to help me work through all this crap and help me understand why "we" won't work out. He knows he should have handled things better in terms of letting me know that he was having doubts...maybe he is trying to do that now??

He says he still wants to be friends...how and why would he want this? So he can feel like he is a "good guy" in a sense. He has not been there as a friend for the last 2 months and knows this.

What do I do??

tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 9:17am
I am in a very similar situation. My ex and I have a history that is about 30 years long! We broke it off - again - about a month ago. It is very hard - we've known each other since Jr. High, married other people, both divorced and got back together. We'd been together for about the past 8 years, not living together and raising our respective kids. We didn't want to do the Brady Bunch thing, but once the kids were raised, then we would be together "full time".

Well, he did pretty much the same thing as your ex. He said he didn't know what he wanted. (But I know what he wanted - me at his convenience.) He wasn't willing to commit to the relationship any longer. During the past two years we've had many breakups in which I always left the door open just a crack and said I wanted to be friends and that I would always be there for him if he needed someone to talk to. At this last breakup I finally told him that no, we couldn't be "friends", because it always ended up back in the same place. I told him that unless he could tell me that he loved me and wanted more than anything to make it work, that he was not to contact me. I made it crystal clear what I need from him in a relationship. Well, he hasn't contacted me.

In reading your post I get the sense that your ex has all the control. Unless you make it clear what YOU need for the relationship to work, he will keep stringing you along. And as you must know, you can't make the relationship work all by yourself. He has to want it as much as you. What really bothered me was the fact that he isn't going to call if it's over. So where does that leave you if he doesn't call? Hanging, that's what. There would be no closure. So if he doesn't call, I would call him - you need that closure. If he does call, you really need to set up clear expectations. If he can't deliver, then you will just be in a miserable relationship. Remember, you can still be in a relationship and be lonely, and I think that's worse that being alone.

Hang in there and stand up for yourself!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 11:09am
To be honest I am not sure what he meant by not calling-- I can't remember the exact context of that comment. We were talking about whether or not he ever loved me and he said he probably was still in love with me but felt it would not work in the long run.

He clearly wants to be friends and feels awful at how badly he has done at being friends over the past 2 months. He said that he would call as long as I did not tell him not to call. He would respect my decision for distance if that is truly what I wanted or needed.

I guess what I want is for us to give it an honest try. If it fails so be it. But we have not been together in over 2 years and it is crazy bail at this point. If we really did have love then it is worth finding out if it is real or not. I guess I just do not know quite how to say it. He may not be willin gto give it a real try and then I am left with trying to be friends or going separate ways once and for all. I guess I just wish we could take a month and figure it out.

I am hoping to find a way back to his heart and to see if we can have what we both want...but how???

tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 11:41am
tb,

I know it's a nice feeling to receive a conciliatory phone call from the X- esp when he is saying that he still loves you. But look at what his efforts are doing to you, your state of mind, your emotions. Along the same lines, I can't imagine that all this emotional turbulence is very good for you at work, as (I am assuming) you treat patients... esp as he called you right before work.

Like the other poster wrote, clear cut guidelines & boundaries should be established, so as not to give your X too much control over the situation. You're right - twenty years is a long time; but it also didn't take your X much time to find someone else- regardless of whether you were going to give it another 5 yrs w/ your x-DH. I agree with you- how could a love that has spanned 20 yrs, two marriages, countless hours of confidences over the phone - be erased because he "talked himself" out of it. Personally, if this were me, and my X suddenly became available after 20yrs ,and there were no obstacles in our way, I would jump at the opportunity to reconcile.

I'm not condemning your X for his obvious confusion and flip-flopping. But I do hope you practice extreme caution when dealing with this. From the sounds of it, you are/would be making more sacrifices (i.e. uprooting yours & your daughter's lives, quitting your job & starting over, adjusting to a new environment, etc.) than he would. And if that's the case, I hope he will give you & the relationship his 200% devotion. He has to be as committed to making the relationship work, as you obviously are. If he's not, then it might be a good time to re-evaluate how deep & personal a friendship you still want w/ this person. It will pain you even more to know that he's with someone else & moved on with his life... w/o you. Like I wrote in a previous post, I would have liked to stay friends w/ my X as he was a decent human being (albeit immature & a mama's boy); but being friends w/ him would have caused me more pain than benefit in the short & long run. Self-preservation dictates that I avoid this kind of hurt.

Just my $.02.

Take care,

~Claire

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 12:38pm
He sounds very apprehensive to me. But at least he is being honest about his feelings. So you want a relationship and he’s just not sure if he wants to be more than just friends. I must tell you that it is not a very good feeling when you have to be the giver all the time because he won’t put effort into the relationship. But maybe it is something that you will just need to explore, if anything so that down the road you won’t have to ask yourself that nasty question, “What if?”. If it doesn’t work out, then at least you know you tried. There are no guarantees in life. In my situation, looking back I would not have done anything different. I can look back and say I gave it my all, it didn’t work, but I have no regrets. Whereas if I hadn’t at least tried at a relationship which I really wanted to work, I believe I would have looked back on my life and asked “What if?”.

As for finding a way back to his heart, it sounds like you’re already there. It’s a matter of him just willing to commit to a relationship with you. It doesn’t sound like you’re going to get any definite promises from him at this point. Maybe just ask him if he wants to date, keep it light and see how things go for a month or two. Maybe spend a couple of weekends away together. And during this time, don’t get into the heavy duty relationship talks, no pressure. Then after awhile, if things aren’t progressing, you’ll have to make a decision on where to go from there. Because right now, it sounds like he feels a pressure to commit and doesn’t know if he’s ready for that. You may be setting yourself up for heartbreak, but it may be the gamble you have to take.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 2:52pm
Gosh- I wish there was an easy answer. I guess I am somewhat afraid of the conversation and what may happen. I want to talk about us. We live 1000 miles apart so it would take effort to see if things could work. I keep thinking what would I want...

I would want him to say-- OK let's give it a try and see where we are in a month. We could get together once a week for the next month and just see if we feel the same. That would mean he would have to be willing to open up and give us a chance.

From his perspective- he feels as though there is just something that won't work. He can't explain it. (I think he thought about waiting for me for 5 years and then he tried to figure out why it couldn't work). So I am not sure he would be willing to disrupt his current life for a what if scenario. He began dating someone recently...his wife moved out in April and my guess is he started dating this woman towards the end of May. Now he is somewhat serious about her. It seems crazy to be reeling from his divorce (his x wife was incredibly mean to him over the years) and then get into a serious relationship with someone new so quickly.

It is so confusing and I guess I have to be prepared that he says - no I do not want to re-open that door...then what? He has already told me how much he wants to be friends and has called 3 times in the last 4 days. He does not want to give up on the friendship. I guess I am beginning to think if I can't have everything then I do not want the friendship. But how do you say that?? How do you tell your best friend of 20 years - it is all or nothing? It is so inconceiveable to me that it may be the only way to do it. I guess I am pissed that it did not have to end this way. He could have been more responsible from all ends and then we could have been friends.

At this point I do not fully understand why would he want to be friends? Just because he feels guilty for not being there for me like I was for him? This will likely cause problems in his current relationship too. Does he not see that??

Any suggestions on how to word things???

tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 4:54pm
Oooh – a girlfriend? Yikes, bad news. And then he keeps insisting on a friendship thing with you. Sounds to me like he just wants to keep you at arm’s length. There are no magic words that are going to change his feelings. Soooo, I guess if it were me, hard as it may be, I would tell him that you have too many feelings for him to be in any contact with him, including friendship, at this point. Tell him clearly and simply what you need - his love and commitment - and if he can’t give it to you, then there is no contact. You have to make the decision because he can’t (or won’t). (Why do men do this to us?) It also puts you in control, and you won’t be left wondering if he’s going to call or not. You are past the friendship thing. You simply cannot just be friends with him right now. Perhaps there may be a day when a friendship would work – once these feelings are gone. It doesn’t necessarily mean the end of a 20 year friendship, but a definite break in the friendship. You want something he can’t give. To be in contact with him is only going to keep hurting you. Give yourself time to heal and perhaps meet someone new. If you keep things up the way they are, it will probably just ruin your friendship anyway. And, it’s too soon after his divorce for him to be involved with ANYONE yet. Sounds like the timing is just not right quite at this point.