he came back & 10 days later left again

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
he came back & 10 days later left again
8
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 10:28pm

We've been married for 9 years, together for 11, and known one another for 14 years. He left me on my birthday (see Today is my Birthday post), but came back 2 days later. Well, last Wed. he left again. I found out he has a myspace page on complete and total accident. I opened the site and put in my password without even looking at the email address. Up pops a site that is not mine. On it are 4 women he plays Everquest with. I logged out, and checked the email address. I didn't know of this email. So Iplayed with passwords until I got in, and found several emails to his friend Eddie about him leaving me, and not wanting to spend time with me, and his affection for this girl named Jessica. There were a few emails between him and Jessica, with one from the 19th of Jan. (2 days before my birthday), where he writes that he likes her and has feelings for her, etc. She didn't return it. She wrote that she's not into him like that.

So I confront him, he says I have no idea what I am talking about, and says that he'll move out after work. Which he did. He came back 3 days later to get the rest of his things. And he'll be back this Tuesday to get things he left.

This is something I wrote a little while ago. It has made me feel better to just write.

I feel so alone. He’s gone, and seems completely happy about it. He thinks his mom is fine with him moving in with all of his things. He really needs to talk to her about it though. She doesn’t feel very comfortable.

He made me think that she was mad at me, and that really hurt me. I haven’t done anything to her. She’s not though. He’s most likely really angry that she and I talked for such a long time yesterday. If he even realizes it. He probably also hates me for telling her about his cyber affair, considering he doesn’t feel that it is wrong. I love how he’s changed his myspace to say he is single. It’s only been 5 days since he moved out the second time, and already he’s single.

I don’t want to be single. I want him. But he doesn’t love me. He’s made that clear. He wants Jessica, but she doesn’t seem to want him back. I don’t know how to live without him. I am, but I don’t want to. I’m not happy, but he seems perfectly content. I didn’t know I made life so miserable for him.

He thinks all I am worried about is money. That’s not all. I’m worried that I’m going to be alone forever. I’m worried that he’s going to come crawling back soon, and I don’t know what to say to him. I’m worried that he’s going to be mean when he comes over for the last of his things. I’m worried that I may never see him again. I’m worried that he will never want me again. I’m worried that the man I want to be with forever, will never change his mind and come back to me. I’m worried that if he does come back, will we be able to put our relationship back together. I’m worried that he’ll never realize that his “friendship” with Jessica has got to end, otherwise his feelings for her will never go away. I’m worried that I’ve lost him for good.

I feel so alone. My step-mom said she would call me back yesterday, but she hasn’t yet. She forgot. I’m not important. When I talked to her last week, I don’t feel like she was being supportive. Telling me I need to loose weight, and go steal the truck from him isn’t what I need or want to hear. I want someone to just listen. I want someone to tell me it will be ok, and that I will make it through this. I want a hug. I want to feel safe.

Having money, to get a car made within the last decade, sounds like (in my head) that I will be safe. Having that security is better than having nothing.

I can’t stop checking his email, or mine. I can’t stop going to myspace and seeing if he’s online, or if she is. I can’t stop checking the bank account to see what he’s been up to today. I can't stop rereading the emails he has sent, or the 4 hours worth of emails that Jessica and I sent back and forth the other night. My heart sinks even more when I see how settled in he is getting at his parents (sent an email to step-dad who is out of the country about getting put on the gym membership, and upgrading the internet so he can play his stupid game). I can't believe that he told his dad (whom he never really talks to that often) in an email that it is over between us, and that this is really final. The last email he sent me said that he does feel bad about doing this to me, but that in the long run it will be better for the both of us. I don't want that. I want us to be better!

Am I ever going to get past this? I don’t really want to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 5:56pm
It must be really hard to be on this roller coaster and at his whim.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 6:38pm

Well, tonight I am going to a basketball game at the school where I work (I teach middle school). A student invited me. I've always wanted to go to their games, but have felt bad if I didn't come home. I spoke with one of our school counselors today about info and phone numbers for support groups/counselors. I plan to start volunteering again (I had already planned to before he left) with students afther school and one weekend a month. I used to do that a lot, but haven't done so in a few years. I went out with co-workers last Friday night and had dinner and drinks. We sat and talked until 11 pm; I haven't done that in over a year. I plan to keep the YMCA membership (just need to lower the contract to one person), and start working out on a regular basis once I get over this cold. We just started the membership 2 weekends ago and I don't understand why he did that if he was going to leave again. Stupid Man!

I have been reading a book on separation and divorce. I started journaling last night. I wrote all the things that I want to scream at him or my family or whomever, but no one is here but me and the cats. I'm trying to find me again. I lost me somewhere between teacher and wife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 9:34pm

Hi again,


When you talk about everything you are doing and planning to do for yourself, well, you sound calm and everything sounds like fun!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 7:35pm

Thank you. I want to do a lot of things, but so far I haven't really done a whole lot. I just want to sit and think, or read, or do nothing. He came and got the last of his stuff this evening. And he went to the cable co. and switched everything to a lower plan and picked up the new modem since I don't play online games, and so the cost is less for me. He made me mad though. Yesterday I received an email from the power co. stating that he had requested that the account be placed in my name. But they wouldn't do that until I submitted an application and they did a credit check. I asked him why he was doing that last night, and he just said that he was switching everything. I asked if he was planning to cut me from auto insurance, and he said that I needed to start my own policy. He said he's going to have his name removed from the apt. lease. But he said that he's going to leave me on the cell phone plan. I said that is so nice of you since I have to drive a 17 year old car everywhere now. He told me I needed to call the power co. So today I called, and they ran the credit check, and said that I would need to pay a $280 deposit because of bad credit. I sent him an email, and told him that I was not going to pay the money, and that if he wanted it done, then he needed to give me cash out of his next paycheck. I told him it's not like I am not going to pay the bill. I do need power! So he writes back and says that he thought I wanted everything in my name. I tell him no I never said that, and it goes back and forth two more times from there until I just didn't respond. He always does that. He says or does things, and then says that I said it or did it.

But now, he's gone completely for now. After the last week, I am kind of relieved. I feel like I can relax now, and that I can get on with my life. Not that I don't want him back. Of course I do. He's my husband, and I love him with all my heart. But I can sort of agree with him that this is for the better (for now anyway). Now if I can just get through the rest of this week, another weekend alone, and then Valentines.

I do know that if we do get back together, we are going to need tostart completely over. I think we should start with dating again and progress slowly from there. But I don't know if he'll ever get to that point. For now all I can do is hang on to the little bit of hope that he'll realize what he's done, and try to move on with my life for now. I'm not completely ready to though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 7:50pm

I can imagine the relief you feel with him gone and soon when the chaos is completely gone it will be amazing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 7:46pm

I contacted him. I called him. He returned a diamond necklace this past weekend which was a gift given to me at Christmas. I no longer want it, and need the money more for a car purchase. So, he was nice and took it back. Today the refund went through the bank, but when I saw the amount, it didn't look right. So I go back to Dec.'s statement, and there are two "purchases" at Helzberg Diamonds. So I called HD's and I find out he purchased a watch for $249, and the necklace for $124 about 6 days apart. So I flip out thinking, who did he buy a $250 watch for? I call him, he doesn't answer. I leave voicemail. I call my mom in tears, and she wonders if it was a refund of $124, and not a purchase. She said, maybe he bought the watch, and then exchanged it for the necklace. I disagree saying that it was two purchases. As soon as we are off the phone, I called his cell again and when he didn't answer, I call his mom's cell. She answers and says she doesn't know where he is. So I call his cell again and finally he picks up. He's at his mom's because he was talking to her. Why did she have to lie to me?

Anyway, I ask who the watch was for, and he says it was for me but he returned it. I disagree, until he convinces me to log in to the bank statements again and read it again. He bought me a watch, and decided he'd spent too much money so he exchanged it for a necklace 6 days later. It was a credit of $124, not a purchase. So then he asks if everything is ok now, and I tell him not really, but that I am sorry I didn't pay better attention to the bank statement. I called my mom and reexplained, while crying and feeling really stupid for flying off the handle. Then I sent him an email apologizing for bothering him, and for not listening to my mom and double checking. I told him I'm just afraid of everything right now and that my goal was to make it 24 hours with no contact, and I can't even do that.

Why do I have to be so stupid, hard-headed, jealous, and easily angered? Why can't I just leave him alone? I know that EVERYTHING I do will determine how this relationship is going to turn out, and right now I am making it WORSE! Why can't I just stop?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 7:55pm

It is too bad that his mom lied, maybe you should take a break from her too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 8:40pm

I know, it's just so easy to jump to conclusions, and react first. Obviously a very bad habit of mine. All of this has made me realize that I have a lot of things I need to work on to better myself.

He replied back to me. Here's what he wrote.
"its ok, sorry i snapped at you. i understand that this is hard for you. you have depended on me for so long that it is going to take you some time to get everything down. i will try to help if you need it, but i cant help if your not going to lisen to what i say."

So he is being nice to me. Sort of. I just need to calm down and realize that he's not out to get me. Easier said than done.