He can't accept "no contact" - help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
He can't accept "no contact" - help!
4
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 7:31am

About a month ago, I broke up with someone I dated for 3 mos. then broke up for almost 2 mos. then gave it another shot for 2 weeks. He didn't want to break up.
This time, unlike the first time, I have clearly stated that I need to break all contact before I can even think about being friends.

After we broke up this final time, he called me and that's when I clearly stated I needed to break all contact in order to get over him/move on. Since then, he has called me and messaged me a couple times and he's still not clear about "why" I broke off with him and thinks I'm making a big mistake.
When I broke up with him, I told him that it was because I couldn't see a future with him because I'm looking to meet someone who's at a similar stage in their life to me as far as background, independence & responsibility is concerned. I didn't go into details about these 3 things - basically: someone who is educated, motivated to better themselves, financially independent with similar responsibilities (i.e., homeowner) because I was trying to be as diplomatic as possible and save his feelings.
Yesterday, one of his female friends left me a concerned voice-mail basically saying he's pretty messed up and in love with me and she would appreciate if I could take the time to call her.
I did try to return her call last night, but she was sleeping so I haven't talked to her yet...
Now, my stomach is in knots because I am really worried about him, but what can I do? I have been struggling to get over this and I need to break contact for my own mental health and well-being and I can't afford any extra emotional issues right now.
I still don't know what her motive is or what she has to say and my plan is to express my concern to her and let her know that I hope she can be there for him to help him through this, but otherwise, I don't want to discuss the personal details. I'm worried about a worst case scenario: that he might hurt him self or lose his job because he's messed up.
Any kind of advice would be greatly appreciated...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

This isn't your problem or your responsibility...if he won't "accept" no contact, you need to raise the bar...block his phone calls, texts, etc. His actions are not within your control...he has a choice about how he reacts to this.

If you do talk to his friend, I would just let her know that you are sorry your ex is going through a hard time but you need to move on.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

mizz demeanor...

Pianoguy agrees with Sheri!

This is YOUR RELATIONSHIP too...and if you're not comfortable, what's the point of prolonging it? You've outlined a set of standards that this man doesn't seem to adhere to, correct? And if your standards are more important than the man, you're not going to be happy BY COMPROMISING!

No man (or woman for that matter) likes the idea of being rejected by the person he's truly in love with. But sadly...REJECTION HAPPENS! .

And yet...there are others out there searching for someone like you.....along with the man who "thinks" he's in love with you? Hopefully, each of you can make a connection with Mr. (and Ms) Right in very short time?

Best wishes and warm thoughts,

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

You have known this man only a brief span of time. Your kind heart may have you worried about him, but your head knows you do not owe him anything more than what you have already done. And I want to add that you were right in thinking you don't have to go into details about your reasons. When someone asks for reasons, they are searching for some tiny bit of hope or control because they don't want it to end. There is no hope, and you do not grant him any control. It is over.

If he contacts you again, say only that. It is over. You can leave this message for his friend, also.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
Thanx everyone for your advice. I talked to his friend yesterday and she was very non-judgemental & understanding.
Because she was only hearing his side, I guess she wanted to talk to me directly and ensure that it was over, with no hopes of me wanting to get back with him - and I clearly expressed this.
She told me not to worry and that she'd do what she could to help him through it.
Thanx again everyone.