He can't let me go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
He can't let me go.
5
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 7:01pm

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. After six years in a good relationship, I have decided to call it quits. Even though my fiancee is a good person with a great heart, he does not make me happy. I find myself going through the motions of the activities we do together. A week ago, I told him that it was time for me to move on, and that my heart was no longer in the relationship. I was scared to say it, but was relieved when I finally did.

His reaction knocked me off my feet, though. He started crying, which I have never seen. Told me that he didn't want to lose me, that I was the most important thing in his life, and that he couldn't imagine his life without me. I told him I needed time to think and he went to stay with friends for a week.

We talked everyday, and tried to keep our converstations light. When he came back, I thought it was over. But he came home and begged and pleaded for me to stay with him like I have never seen a man beg and plead before. He told me he wanted the opportunity to make me happy. I told him that I didn't think there was anything he could do, and that if I stayed, it would only be out of pity. But he kept begging, and told me that he would be able to walk away better knowing that he had the chance to try. So I caved in.

I know my heart is not into it, and I have told him this. I have agreed to one month, to be open to the relationship and to see if I find any hope in staying. I don't think I will. He is now treating me like it is a new relationship. Buying me flowers, taking me out to nice restaurants and leaving me little love notes. This is only making me feel more guilty for not loving him like he wants me too.

My level of guilt is overwhelming. Is this normal behaviour for men to get so terrified of losing their other half? I would have thought that if he knew I wasn't into it, he wouldn't want to be with me either.

I am now spending my time thinking about how I'm gonna go through the break up talk again, and I am terrified that he will act as desperate as he did the first time. I am also scared that I might decide to stay in the relationship, because I can't bear to see him so fragile.

I just would like to know if this is normal and if anyone has smiliar stories to share, I would like to know how you were able to walk away when the other person was begging you not to.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 7:34pm

Unfortunately, many of us are in your fiancee's situation, not yours. Most of here were left or left the guys we were with because they were unwilling to make a deeper commitment or marry us. His reaction doesn't sound at all unusual to me. After all, men have feelings too. And no one likes to be left. Some men react to rejection by becoming angry, while others just get really upset.

You sound pretty decided on ending the relationship. You have been together with him long enough to know if he makes you happy or not. So I guess what you need to do is just let him know that you really do want to leave, after the month is over. And then stick to it. Yes, it will hurt, but if this is what you've decided to do then you just have to go ahead with it. Be as kind to him as you can be. Answer any questions he may have. Perhaps see a therapist together for a few sessions. This may help him cope with the aftermath.

Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 8:18am

Oh my gosh! Your situation sounds VERY similar to mine. Let me first start off by saying that it's NOT your fault you feel the way you do. Second, I was in his situation with my ex. I wanted to give him everything his heart desired and I was persistent at it. After 4 years of terrible heartache, it ended in a fiery crash. - He found some other girl. I couldn't believe it. I gave him everything and anything and yet, I'm still left with nothing. I was helpless to feel otherwise but to watch him walk away as I begged and plead for another chance. Now, I feel stupid for even considering wanting him when he didn't want me.

Now, it's completely reversed. My new guy is a good guy. He genuinely is unlike any other guy I've ever met, but he no longer makes me happy after 6 months. I'm glad to have discovered this now than later, but like you, I can't take it anymore. He doesn't make me happy like he used to and I'm afraid of what might come of it when I tell him I want to break it off.

I think it was a mistake for you to go back on your words of breaking up the relationship rather than giving it another chance. Now you have to deal with the guilt from "rejecting" his acts of love and kindness. "Salt on an open wound" is what I would call it. I believe it was Dr. Phil who said, "The worst thing you can do is spend one more day with the wrong person."

Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 9:54am

I think you're making two big mistakes.

1) relying on someone else to "make you happy". A relationship should be about sharing life and love, not being with someone to "make" you happy and then leaving when they fail to do so.
2) agreeing to stay with him for another month is just prolonging his pain. If you know the relationship isn't working for you, end it and don't give the poor guy false hope!

The longer you stay stuck in a dead-end relationship, the less time you get on this planet to experience a great one. Same goes for him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 8:56am

I begged my ex-wife of 17 years. Crawled on my hands and knees, cried, etc. Begging is not a sign of weakness. If someone (man OR woman)pleads for that other person, I salute them for being true to their feelings. Sorry to say this, but women (and don't take this the wrong way) are much crueler than men, especially when it comes to divorce. Just look at some of the msg bds about men and divorce...

Don't keep this guy hanging for YOUR ego:-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 2:43pm
I would have to say that many guys do this. I know that I am married to one. I have attempted to leave on several occasions and he does what you described to a T. Begging and pleading and making you feel very guilty in even questioning your relationship let alone breaking up..Dont they want us to be happy? I dont know but if my dh came to me and told me that he wanted to leave because I wasnt making him happy anymore or wasnt feeling it, I would open the door. There is no way that I would ever want to be with anyone who did not love me anymore. I even married my dh out of guilt. DON"T DO IT!! I really think that you need to brave up (more than me) and just leave no matter how much he cries, he already knows that its coming so he has had some time to deal with it these last few weeks.