He cares, just not enough
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He cares, just not enough
| Wed, 03-21-2007 - 3:46pm |
Hi there,
It's a classic story, I guess. He has feelings for me, he says he cares, he's attracted to me, but he feels in heart compelled to be only friends with me. The problem is, we've always had a flirty, affectionate relationship that developed into physical intimacy over the past few months. Now that we're "strictly friends," I don't know what that really means or how to be.
This came about because we talked a bunch about our conflicted feelings over this, usually nothing changes but there's subtext that makes thing awkward. However, I recently called him out for real, because I just couldn't take the confusion anymore. His response was to tell me he wants my friendship, but that he doesn't want me to think that there is hope for more and that he's just been weak in the past. That it was me who made him weak, but that that's not enough for him to either pursue a real relationship with me, or to just enjoy each other, no strings attached. He says that I don't seem to understand how he can be atttracted to me, care about me, enjoy being around me, and yet be willing to give up the affectionate portion of our friendship in order to maintain the friendship. To me, it's the intimacy and affection (not sexual) that make our friendship. he admits we have good chemistry and common interests, but while I think what makes ours special is the affectionate way in which we show we care. Or used to, I guess. And that's the part he doesn't want. I told him that I want to keep the inatimacy, and that we just need to make it not sexual. He says, we need boundaries and that if we're not just friends, "we should be." That means, for example, no more movie watching in his room with the door closed and cuddled up together, even if we promised nothing would happen. I'm too tempting, he says (while also saying he can look at me and only see me as a platonic friend). And if we hang out, we both have to hold up our part of the bargain. And he's the try who would just let you go if you disappeared, out of respect that you're making a choice. It might hurt him, but you'd never know it. He cares, just not enough.
So, my concern is how to approach this new view of our friendship? Because I am choosing to keep him in my life any way I can get him, no matter how much the inner pain. So, how do get what I want, and still respect what he wants? I want to keep things affectionate, intimate, special. He's afraid right now that we can't handle that, and that even if we want it, we shouldn't have it because he doesn't care enough for all the other stuff that comes with that. I want to show him I'm ok to be around, but I need to be around him in order to do that! While I'm sure we'll get together at some point, I want it now. I believe little earthquakes keep the big ones at bay and that more time with him would make things easier for us; he's an avoider.
He says we were friends for a long time before it got physical, but I say, it's always been little bits here and there. Maybe they meant something to me, but were just flirtiness to him? Either way, I still want that, and I believe I can take not having more, but now he's afraid to do those things, he's pushing me away, he's on guard because he knows I have these feelings that he doesn't return. So, how can I assure him that I'll let him out of my heart, if he'll just let me stay in his as is? Boys suck. Please help because I'm driving myself crazy. And thanks.
It's a classic story, I guess. He has feelings for me, he says he cares, he's attracted to me, but he feels in heart compelled to be only friends with me. The problem is, we've always had a flirty, affectionate relationship that developed into physical intimacy over the past few months. Now that we're "strictly friends," I don't know what that really means or how to be.
This came about because we talked a bunch about our conflicted feelings over this, usually nothing changes but there's subtext that makes thing awkward. However, I recently called him out for real, because I just couldn't take the confusion anymore. His response was to tell me he wants my friendship, but that he doesn't want me to think that there is hope for more and that he's just been weak in the past. That it was me who made him weak, but that that's not enough for him to either pursue a real relationship with me, or to just enjoy each other, no strings attached. He says that I don't seem to understand how he can be atttracted to me, care about me, enjoy being around me, and yet be willing to give up the affectionate portion of our friendship in order to maintain the friendship. To me, it's the intimacy and affection (not sexual) that make our friendship. he admits we have good chemistry and common interests, but while I think what makes ours special is the affectionate way in which we show we care. Or used to, I guess. And that's the part he doesn't want. I told him that I want to keep the inatimacy, and that we just need to make it not sexual. He says, we need boundaries and that if we're not just friends, "we should be." That means, for example, no more movie watching in his room with the door closed and cuddled up together, even if we promised nothing would happen. I'm too tempting, he says (while also saying he can look at me and only see me as a platonic friend). And if we hang out, we both have to hold up our part of the bargain. And he's the try who would just let you go if you disappeared, out of respect that you're making a choice. It might hurt him, but you'd never know it. He cares, just not enough.
So, my concern is how to approach this new view of our friendship? Because I am choosing to keep him in my life any way I can get him, no matter how much the inner pain. So, how do get what I want, and still respect what he wants? I want to keep things affectionate, intimate, special. He's afraid right now that we can't handle that, and that even if we want it, we shouldn't have it because he doesn't care enough for all the other stuff that comes with that. I want to show him I'm ok to be around, but I need to be around him in order to do that! While I'm sure we'll get together at some point, I want it now. I believe little earthquakes keep the big ones at bay and that more time with him would make things easier for us; he's an avoider.
He says we were friends for a long time before it got physical, but I say, it's always been little bits here and there. Maybe they meant something to me, but were just flirtiness to him? Either way, I still want that, and I believe I can take not having more, but now he's afraid to do those things, he's pushing me away, he's on guard because he knows I have these feelings that he doesn't return. So, how can I assure him that I'll let him out of my heart, if he'll just let me stay in his as is? Boys suck. Please help because I'm driving myself crazy. And thanks.

Last year, I was in the same situation as you are now. As you said, maybe it's just a classic story. I think guys are more rational than us, so if they really want to be a platonic friend with you, they could really control themselves with no physical thing. Howevr, sometimes it hurt us so much. We need those feelings and affections.
I had struggle in my mind, cause it was really hard for me to just be friends. I prefered either be with me or cut the ties, but I was as same as you at first, I really wanted him to be in my life too, so I tried to stop contacting him, then he contacted me, I replied and saw him again and started to do things in his way... then it got really hard for both of us, we went back to old track...after a while, we talked again, same things happend again and again!
When I tried to be friends with him, everytime we were together, I had to control my urge of having any physical thing. It was just too hard, then I cried every time he left or dropped me home. That was the worst time in my life.
My advice is DON'T DO IT!!! I know how hard it is to stop seeing him, but this kind of friendship would only make you feel worse!! You should make it very clear that either you continued the way you had before (which is actually not good for the long-term), or stop any contact. and then try to be strong and don't call, don't txt, don't see him! DON'T REPLY HIM!!! AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS TO remember is there will be someone who cares you enough to give all the affections you want!!
I know you must think it's impossible to lose him in your life now... I have no contact with my guy for a while, but I still think of him alot. JUST BE STRONG!!
Wish you all the best!!!
The little douche bag is playing mind games with you. You need to distance yourself and get some clarity or you are going to waste more of your time and energy on the hurt he's caused you.
My advice is to turn and run, but I know it's hard. Hang in there.
Hi s_hes, it's obvious you have feelings for him. However, does you have feelings for you? But that's not the question you're asking. You are asking how do I make him have the same feelings I have for him, I do I convince him to be with me? I've been in your situation so I know how it feels. It's frustrating. You can't help but want to be with him and feel like you has feelings for you even though he doesn't act like it. The problem is, he SAID he doesn't want a relationship with you. That's a red flag. I have learned this the hard way. I felt I could somehow change the guy's mind, by being real cool with the situation and being really nice to him to show him what an awesome person I am. BAD IDEA. If you stay "friends" with him in hopes that you can somehow develop a romantic relationship even though he said he wasn't interested in one, you will be the one who ends up very hurt.
I remember when I flirted with this one guy, he just wanted to have fun but backed off when he realized I wanted a relationship. I was upset to say the least. I felt misled and used but I wanted to be with him so bad, I told him we can be friends and it's ok if he doesn't want a girlfriend now while secretly hoping the friendship will develop to something more. It didn't work, I ended up more hurt by keeping contact with him. He told me if he was a jerk he could of just took advantage of me because he knows I have feelings for him and just left me. He said he was doing me a favor by backing away and couldn't see that and now I do.
Seems like the guy you like doesn't want to hurt you because he knows you have feelings for him but knows he can't reciprocate those feelings. He doesn't want to hurt you but if you insist on trying to somehow get into a relationship with him, you WILL end up hurt. If he gives into temptation and have his way with you without being emotionally attached, it will be easy for him to move. You will be hurt when he does and see him with another person on his arm. Don't let that happen.
I don't like guys who are wishy washy, been with too many and I'm sick of them. If you don't feel the same way I do about you then BYE! Don't waste my type with all this let's be "friends" and maybe I will be ready or change my mind. There's plenty of fish in this sea and I don't need to waste my time on one who doesn't even know if he wants to be with me or not. You should be with someone who would jump at the chance to be with you, who treats you like royalty.
The same thing happen with another guy I was with he said "I don't want a girlfriend right now, I'm not ready but I like you and want to be with you" I ask him what he wants to do, are we dating or what? He said he doesn't know. Whatever! I don't have time for that. I broke it off with him while secretly hoping he would come back to me. I liked him alot and took me a long time to get over him. When I did that idiot tries to get back with me, I'm happy I didn't fall for it. Now I'm in a happy relationship. I guy who loves me as much as I love him.
I think it's best to cut off all contact with this "friend". Unless you know for sure he wants to be more than "friends" who just flirt, don't continue this whole circus game. He's giving you false hoping and you'll grow more attached to him the more you contact him. To protect yourself from getting hurt and feeling rejected, don't see him anymore or contact him. It's going to be hard to not get tempted. It's going to be very hard. Someone who cares for you as much as you are to him and are on the same page. He's obviously not on the same page as you and like he said he can't reciprocate the feelings you have for him. Why continue to let him torture you? By letting you see something you can't have. You deserve to be with someone who will treat you like a princess and beg you to be his girlfriend.
If it helps any, I'm going through a similar situation (2 weeks of NC). I broke it off with him because he didn't know what he wanted. He said he knew he wanted to be with me but wanted to date and not move on to the next level in a relationship. He's told me he loved me before but is "stuck" and has absolutely no clue why. He said he needed sometime to figure things out, get help, and move on from his past relationship (he never took the time to do so in the first place). I tried to hang in there and give him some space but that only lasted about a week. I was so hurt that someone had to think about things with me? I believe you are either in or you are out. Someone, let me know if I'm being too harsh here.
I've cried pretty much every day and today I saw him driving home and right away wondered what he was doing (e.g., dating his ex, dating someone new???) and wanted sooo bad to call him but I didn't. His ex was very needy from what I understand and I'm sure is just waiting in the wings since she can't get anyone else. Anyway, it would just look desparate but believe me, I know it is hard.
I wish he would just get his act together.
Hang in there!