he cheated !! i am hurting so much HELP
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| Mon, 02-05-2007 - 2:03pm |
Hi All,
I am hurting so much right now -- i feel like i had given my heart unconditionally and whole-heartedly to him and he just grinded it up into little tiny pieces and just spitted on it. He not only broke my heart and I also found out he cheated on me ! We had "the talk" about the relationship 2 weeks ago, and he suggested that there were things we needed to work on, I said that okay as long as we weren't breaking up and he said, he didn't want to break up either. The week progress but i had a gut feeling something was wrong. the whole month of january he was sexually distant from me and there's when i realized something was wrong. i asked him several times if there was another woman or if he was cheating and he said "no" and don't be silly. Last Thursday, while he stepped out briefly, i checked his cell phone and looked into his Text messages box and found 2 messages from a female co-workers: " Hey Baby, hope your cold is getting better" and another text " Baby, want to wrap you up in my warm vibes XXX". my whole body froze and my had was shaking. he came back and just screamed at him -- what's going on with you and Ms. Slut ( i won't reveal the real name) " .. then finally, he confessed that he had kissed her twice on Dec 14th but nothing else happened (real ??) .. then how come she is calling you "baby" and sending you kisses. I really doubt it was only a couple of kisses. But he sweared that it was only two kisses on the Dec 14th and nothing more happened, and on that nite he decided to choose me and wanted to work on our relationship, and that she is texting because she wants to be just friends and he said that he doesn't respond back to her. But it has been going on for 6 weeks, how could a woman (who by the way also has a boyfriend in another state) continuing contacting you in this way ? ( and I also know and have met this woman so she know my boyfriend is with ME !!!!) .I hate her guts so much and I am feeling so miserable. He told me that nothing is going with her and that he doesn't even luv her and doesn't want to be with her, but he also doesnt' feel like he want to continue on with our relationship. I was so hurted double times -- he's breaking up with me (fine -- not all relationships work out ) but the fact that i found out he was cheating -- i am so hurted.
i don't know this man anymore. he was crying a lot and kept on saying how sorry he is and he doesn't even know himself anymore and that he never thought he could do something like cheating. i am so disappointed. i screamed at him and said you lack integrity, you are WEAK, and you have no honor of what love means. i told him that i luv him and it hurts me so badly that to know what he did. although he said he and MS Slut didnt' have any sex, i find it very hard to believe and the last image in my head is the picture of them kissing and together and it is driving me nuts. i don't know why it had to happen. Just the day before i found out, he was willing to give us a try and was calling me "baby this baby that" ... and we were making plans for the weekend --- everything has changed and WHY ??
I am hurting so badly. HELP. I cried 4 hours straight in bed on saturday -- my eyes were so swollen, i called all my friends in my phone book so i didn't have to call him. i had the courage to not call him -- i know better. but i a part want to tell that woman off -- how could you do this ? why did you seduce him? i want her to suffer as i am suffering now. i cut and colored my hair this weekend, went out to the city, but when i come home -- all the pain comes back to me. and i hate crying myself to sleep. why did he do this? should i believe that it was only two kisses on one nite? but he hasn't called to check up on me? is he with that woman? are they happy together ? why wasn't he happy with me? sometimes, i wish i hadn't checked his phone and i wouldn't had known about this woman and maybe it was just one kiss and she was the one contacting him and he really wasn't interested in her, and maybe i would still be with him? i am hurting soooo much -- i have a hard time breathing because i am crying so much. i wish i could turn back time.
how do you get over a break up and the fact that he cheated i luv this man and given his mistakes i still luv him for all that he is (even though i said nasty things about his characters), could we ever get together again (as a couple or as friends), would i be able to trust him (as a friend), or is he completely deleted from my life? we were together for 1.5 years and i can't imagine my life without him now. i had planned my future with him and now, it looks empty.
HELP...i want to stop crying and stop feeling in my heart.
fancyshoes.

Oh, this one's hard.
Hi fancyshoes,
Well, I typed a long reply and lost it.
HI sandra
thank you for your advice and insights. i had noticed in december we were kinda drifting apart because i was spending more time at work but he would bring me dinner and we would work together. i was writing my phd thesis and it was a very stressful. i didn't think it bother him since i enjoyed spending time even though we really weren't talking much since we were working on our papers. in the first week of january, i turned in my 300 pages thesis to my committee and i am very proud of it. but i realized that i had spent so much time writing up my thesis, i had isolated myself from my friends, social activites, and hobbies for a few months, and hadn't spent fun quality time with my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend), i feel even though i worked so hard to write my thesis encompassing 6 years of my life work, i lost the one most important person in my life - my boyfriend. i don't regret having spent the time writing but i wished i had noticed that he was drifting apart in december and i wished i was more attentive to his needs and desires, thus it wouldn't given this other woman a chance to kiss him. i wish i can turn back the clock. we were soo happy. i spent christmas at his family place, new years' was so much fun -- how can this be real ??
i just wish i could turn back time. i wish i didn't look at his cell phone to find the text messages -- that kinda makes me a mistrusting person too. the pain of knowing the truth is so painful right now, i would do anything to turn back the clock and wish i hadn't looked into his text box to find the woman's messages. i know i would be living in denial but at least i would be with him, and we would be spending time together, and maybe have a future together. now , this woman has him, and he hasn't called, he has forgotten me. =(
i am hurting so badly even the good news can thrill me for a little bit. today, i got a job interview for a professor position in boston in a few weeks and i was super excited about it. however, we are both in DC, and it dawned on me that i might really have to leave DC and i would never have the opportunity to be with my boyfriend if he wants to get back. I need to get myself to together so i don't mess up this really great opportunity, but i am scared of what the future holds without him by my side.
i feel so silly and embarrassed to share with people that my boyfriend cheated on me. i cried quietly in my office. i went to gym to relieve stress on the treadmill but i had this image of them in my head so i kept on running really fast and was stomping the treadmill as if i was stomping their heads and hearts (My Ex and Ms Slut) in my mind. I was so worked up after the run, i ended crying in the locker room for a hour in one of the stall. It felt a little better , but how do you stop this pain? it so hard to breathe, and my heart aches so badly. i am trying exercise and writing out my feelings but it makes me more depressed because i am writing out so many questions i wished i had asked him and now i will never have the opportunity to. what are ways to go over this pain ? it has only been 3 days and i don't know how i am going to make it thru.
fancyshoes
Ok, let's take first things first:
I don't believe he drifted from you in December, it happened well before that.
Hi Sandra,
I am feeling better today - i woke up not crying (yes), it has a whole week now. we broke up feb 1st. i thought more about what you said. and yes, i came to realize that i had some doing into why we both drifted apart. he wasn't getting attention from me, but moreover, i wasn't giving myself the attention to be in the presence.
i met a lady in the salon a couple days ago, and she said something that has strucked me and has stuck with me through the next few days. She said, "why does the glass have to half-empty; half-full; why can't the glass just be a glass". Things are. I am.
I realized that this past year, i've been complaining, whining, and unhappy about many things in my life because i was so stressed out about my thesis writing, worries about my future, concerns with my relationship on where it was going, and people's stories. All along he has been supporting me and encouraging me and telling to not stress, and 6 months ago, he said to me: "i wish you can see the light and the essence of your being; i wish you just knew how happy i am you chose to be shining star in my darkness" . i didn't really understand what he meant then because right around then, i started to focus on work and really started to drift from him, from us, and from myself. he did used to remind me that the strength i need is already in me, and not to think that he has the strenght for me. he also told me that i already have all the tools, faith, and actions i need to succeed and to live. i just didn't understand and didn't listen. i wasn't listen. i need to really really listen not only with my ears, but with my eyes, heart, and soul.
i used to be a lot more positive and focused on the presence. somehow, when the pressure came, i became more negative and depressed about the past and worried about the future. I wouldn't say i lost myself since nothing is ever lost; but i had briefly forgotten myself. i woke up this morning and sat in stillness -- i am really in stillness and just didn't have a single thought in mind and that's why i realized how wonderful being the in presence felt and i hadn't had the inner peace for a long time. i was having a painful relationship with my own mind with the past and future-- playing tricks on me, fooling me with anxieties and uncertainties of the futures, and regrets and embarrassment of my past. my mind was causing me pain by reliving the past and living in the future. i forgot to live in the moment, in the presence, and it is the present, that is the most real and most essence of our Being.
I don't know why we broke up, why he cheated, or whether i will ever really know, or .... but does it matter ??? right now, i am happier being in the presence and whenever paths that had taken me to get here was somehow already planned out for me. but the breakup was a way for me to finally wake up, let life live through me, and maybe i was supposed to meet this lady at the salon, maybe all this breakup had happened to bring myself to understand myself and the relationship i was having with my Being, maybe...maybe. the past doesn't really matter. i am here now. the more i sat in stillness, i started to live in the presence, the worries of "whether he will call, whether we will be friends, whether we will get back together" --- kinda started to fade away. Why live in the future when we really don't know what is really going to happen, and even if the future does arrive, will you act or react the way you thought you would?
this lady recommended a book called "the power of now" and it has transformed my Being. There is one quote that i carry with me from the author : "love is the recognition of formless in the other; love is seeing oneself in the other."
so, today was a better day, but in the afternoon, i started to feel a little anxious, it is my mind reliving the past and living the future, so i turned to this message board to keep myself in the presence and to share the new found knowledge of being in the Presence. Today, i felt like calling him to tell him this new found knowledge, but at the same time, i don't think i am ready to speak to him and i started to really question myself what was the motive behind wanting to call him -- to show-off, to get him back, to get closure ??? . So, i decided to share you and the rest of the board instead. i believe in the presence.
Fancyshoes
Excellent personal insight!
Hi Sandra,
Thanks for your help. I am trying every day to be strong and to read chapters from the book,power of now; but today was a one of those bad days. i don't know why. i took the train to Conneticut for a meeting and during the 5 hours train ride, as i look out the window, i just kept on thinking about him again and us again, and i couldn't hold it in, and i started to feel tears coming down my cheeks and my throat started to tighten up. this is so unbelievably painful.
i tried to use the techniques from the book to focus on the presence, but my mind just wants to think about the past. my heart was also aching this morning and i just let a big cry this morning but a brief one for 10 minutes. i was so good yesterday -- no tears at all. but this mornign was hard. it was last thursday when i found out about this other woman. as i sat on the train, i started to think "when did he slip away", and " is there more than what he told me". sitting on the train, i started to think about the past few months, and i remembered that he started to make phone calls or text in the middle of the nite, and during the new year's eve, he disappeared for awhile to make a phone call. i wonder if there was more to the stories. in my heart, i want to so believe his story that it was only two kisses and he has no feelings for her, and he told her to stop calling, contacting, and to cool it off (since i asked him to during our last talk last thursday). i don't know if he pretend to break it off in front of me so my feelings aren't anymore hurt. but why hasn't he called to see how i am doing. does he still care about me? will i be deleted from this life? this woman works with him so she is so lucky, she get to see everyday and maybe he is feeling so weak and lonely that he will go into her arms instead. i know it's silly, but in my heart, i still love him so much -- the flaws, imperfections, and goods and bads of him. i believe there may be a moment of weakness and he made a mistake to kiss that woman. he cried so much that he couldn't believe he transgress instead of talking to me. i don't think he would fake tears. i wish i could tell him i luv him who everything he is, and i don't really mean that i think he is awful person and that i no longer love him anymore. it must be hard to hear: i no longer love this man anymore. i was in shock by the whole situation. i was screaming at him last thursday (never had i done that before); i was wonder if he so scared of me, or is he angry that i looked into cell phone? or is he with that woman and that's why he hasn't called? i was so tempted to call him to ask him these questions and to let him know that i realized i wasn't presence for the most of last year, and i now know to live the presence. but i didn't. i called one of friends who said to not Call him and if i ever have the urge to call him, call her instead. she talked to me all the reasons why it is a bad idea to call him, especially since you are looking for his caring voices, but he won't be that anymore to you, He won't be calling you his baby, his babe, and sweetheart. i cried to my friend even more. i can't believe i am not his baby anymore.
sandra, i don't know why i am taking a few steps back today when i was so enlightened yesterday. i went out with friends yesterday to keep myself busy, worked, and still had thoughts of him sporadically through the day. i miss him still. will we ever have a second chance? my heart is opened for him to come back -- will he ?
i am hurting today. he was the person who hugged me and wiped away my tears; now he is the cause of my tears. when will my heart heal?
fancyshoes