He did it again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
He did it again!
1
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 10:19pm

Hi board members,
I guess I am trying to get a handle on what happened to me. I had a 9 month intense relationship with a man. We were discussing future and committment and all of sudden - bamm the guy breaks up with me last September. It was not pretty and I was a devastated mess. This guy has been single for over 20 years (He is in his late 50's) and I was told he is total womanizer and committment phobe but I thought things were going to be different because of things that were said and discussed regarding the above issues and his true desire to really be in a loving committed relationship.

Ok - in December he asks me to dinner and tells me "you don't know what you've got until it's gone". Next thing you know we are somewhat back together. I say somewhat, because we did not restart a sexual relationship. He told me he was working on the committment problems and wanted to truly be able to resolve hs personal concerns. I thought that this showed real growth and maturity and that things were going in the right direction. This "dance" continues throughout the Spring with lots of flirting, talks of feelings and phone calls. All of sudden, after discussing the possibility of going away together and really restarting a serious committed situation he begins to back off again. He does some very inconsiderate things and then all of sudden calls and tells me that we are just "not in the right place at the right time"! I spent months reinvesting myself and reopening my heart - he really hurt me last year and then BOOM - once again he stomps on my feelings and TOTALLY pulls away.

I am just devastated and hurt. I don't know what I could have done differently. I tried to be understanding and patient and really fell for him in a big way. I do see him around town and it is difficult to say the least. I feel like a fool for reopening my heart up to him and allowing him to persuade me with his words - NOT his actions. How do I handle things going forward with him? I see him and we have lots of mutual friends in common. I think he is already dating someone new...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: freeasap
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 10:53pm

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I've BTDT with commitment phobes and it is REALLY hard.

I strongly recommend that you get and read the book "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter. Aside from helping me understand the whole c'phobe thing, the best thing that book did for me was make me realize I wasn't the only one who'd been taken in by this type of guy...the book is FULL of examples. It really helped me feel not so alone and not so stupid. I'm curious, is/was he actually in counseling to work on his issues, or was he working on them on his own?

As for seeing him, I would really suggest that you limit your contact with him as much as possible, at least for the next few months. Hopefully your mutual friends will understand and be willing to see you one on one, etc.

Sheri