He didn't cheat or lie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
He didn't cheat or lie
2
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 11:33am
I don't want to belittle anyone's pain in any way, but I almost wish my boyfriend had cheated or lied or did something awful. Instead he just gave up... we had a wonderful relationship and were in love and things got hard and he gave up. Maybe he wasn't over his ex-wife, who left him last year for another guy. Maybe he couldn't handle a new relationship. Maybe it was me. He just gave up and I have nothing to be mad about or hate... just the memory of how good things were and could have been. He's a very strong, compassionate person. I can't think he would hurt anyone deliberately but it just doesn't make sense. Maybe the whole relationship was a mistake.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 12:43pm

Even when someone has cheated the feelings are still the same, we still love the person that *was* before all the mess got in the way. I still would love to talk to my ex in an ideal world, but at the same time I have been hurt so much, I couldn't face the pain and the lies. In a sense it is worse, but different - the betrayal is too much and doesn't register in your head at all, like a split personality.

I have had one ending the same thing as you, (ended for a more vague reason and a few years later on a cheating) and been hurt badly in these two separate ways by the same person (I should have learned!). In my mind, the pain is the same... but for me has been intensified when another person was involved. There's a whole load of other feelings - jealousy, stupidity on my part for not seeing, and wondering what if anything I could have done to stop it. In time the 'i'm better off' pills will kick in, but it comes in waves and we have to juggle our feelings.

However, either way you get hurt the answer is the same, it is a loss. You SHOULDN'T get hurt by someone that truely loves you. In your case, you noticed you were on different pages, as you say and there was some things from his previous relationship still there.

I know its easy to think 'what I wouldnt give to talk' but it doesnt make you get over them, only time and NC does that, and knowing that we can ALL do better. And no, it wasn't a mistake - look what you have learned, two people have to want to make it work. I didn't see that the first time, and it blew up in my face. It may take some time for you to see it right now.




Edited 4/24/2006 12:47 pm ET by who_knew2006
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2006
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 3:51pm

I agree with you 100%. I am in a very similar situation. My relationship was perfect and he ended it because he got nervous and didnt know what to do with all the feelings. I said the same thing and Nick Lachey said the same thing about Jessica Simpson. When someone cheats at least there is something concrete to blame it on. When they just bail for what we think is no reason or no good reason it is much harder to take. Even if they tell you it is not you, it is really hard to believe it is not you. You always wonder if you could have done something different, said something different, seen it coming. It is much harder.

At least you know you are not alone. It looks like there are a lot of us out here healing together. I wish you the best of luck!