He doesn't love me anymore?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
He doesn't love me anymore?
10
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 11:25am

My boyfriend and I broke up yesterday after dating for about a year and three months. The conversation began on Thursday when a recurring argument came to the surface again and in the heat of the moment, I suggested a break.

The problem that we fight about is a fundamental difference in our personalities - I'm very social and have a very full schedule. I rely on my calendar to keep me straight and like planning most things in advance. He, on the other hand, is an introvert who likes to live on the fly and doesn't really enjoy being lugged around to all of my various social obligations. I've always known that this could be a big issue for us in the future...

Anyway, after suggesting the break, I almost immediately started to rethink the decision. My best friend (who I called right after) asked "do you still want to be with him?", to which I answered yes. "Then don't take the break," she said.

So on Friday morning, I called him at work to try to set up a time to talk, basically because I didn't want to ring in the New Year angry with each other. At first he said he might be able to meet up with me, and then as the day progressed he said he couldn't - he had a bad end to the day at work and didn't want to talk to me while he was so pissed off (this is New Year's Eve, mind you). He subsequently dodged me for the rest of the weekend until yesterday when we finally sat down.

I told him my original intent of talking on Friday, but then said his behavior over the weekend was hurtful and that it seemed that he was happier for the break than I was. He then told me that he'd used the weekend to do some soul searching and had realized he really hadn't been happy for a while. He didn't want to lead me on in thinking that we were continuing to go in a serious direction when he didn't feel the same about me anymore. This came as a huge shock to me.

I knew that I'd had an attitude with him in response to him not participating in social engagements during the holidays (our typical introvert/extrovert battle). He said that he knew these things were important to me, but in retrospect, he found that his lack of wanting to accomodate me and my needs was a tell-tale sign that his feelings had changed.

I, who came to the table ready to comprimise and work something out, thought we could get through these things for the time being because we loved each other. He seems to have given up and not really love me anymore.

Is there anything worth fighting for here? What are the chances that he'll change his mind...I'd be more optimistic if there was an issue that we were arguing about and could work through, but since he doesn't seem to love me anymore, is his book closed? Anyone have some advice in a situation like this...and any idea what this will look like fast-forwarded a couple of months?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 12:03pm

Brutal honesty warning.

It's over. He called your bluff, and you lost.

"He...told me that he'd used the weekend to do some soul searching and had realized he really hadn't been happy for a while. He didn't want to lead me on in thinking that we were continuing to go in a serious direction when he didn't feel the same about me anymore....He said that he knew these things were important to me, but in retrospect, he found that his lack of wanting to accomodate me and my needs was a tell-tale sign that his feelings had changed."

No, he doesn't love you anymore. He took the weekend to honestly assess the situation and came to a very mature conclusion. He's right. The fact that he isn't willing to do things you love is a red flag. The fact that he hasn't been happy for a while is a red flag. And he is thoughtful and mature enough to not continue wasting your time knowing you both wanted two seperate things from the relationship. Doesn't make it not hurt. But it does make it over. He's done you a favor. Instead of beating around the bush and leading you on, he's been honest and upfront with you. He's just not that into you. No confussion. No lingering "what-if's".

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 12:30pm
I'm sure you're right and just like I told him last night, I appreciate the honesty. It's still just so unbelievable...and I can't believe I didn't see/feel this coming. Moving on will be hard, but I'm sure I'll manage. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2004
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 1:12pm
My boyfriend broke up with me for much the same reason a week before Christmas. I didn't see it coming at all either, but apparently, he didn't love me anymore. Accepting that realization - that someone you loved so much, someone you would have, and did, do anything for fell out of love with you - is the hardest part of it all. I am still waking up every morning in a panic thinking "he doesn't love me, when did he stop, why did he stop?" You're right, it is unbelieveable, and it probably will be for a while. I don't have any advice to offer because I'm still trying to figure out how to manage. If you find something that works for you, please let me know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 5:07pm
The same sort of thing happened to me...we fought and I decided to take a break, not breakup and after the break he said that he wasn't sure anymore...I was sad and tried to keep at it, but now he is ignoring me...i feel that some of it may be my fault...but I can't do anything if he doesn't want to work it out...the problem is trying to let go
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 8:41pm

Hey Girls,
I ve been there few weeks ago (6 weeks to be precise)
and now I feel great. I actually now make fun of relationships and say maybe I should be asking for more of these breaks so that my partner will realise sooner that he is not into me before I get so attached! (sorry if I sounded sarcastic)
but I think if this guy really loved you in the first place he would have tried couple counseling to try to make your differences closer...
I think you should follow the NC rule for the first 30 years :~) and try to take care of you be a little more selfish , read books and have faith you will find the one who will appreciate you. I m thankful If I loved I dont fall out of love for no reason. Love for me is as also a commitment and some guys have issues with the commitment part of it.

xoxo

J.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 1:51am
Well, walk away with your dignity at this point. He will respect that and it will make you more desirable. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. You'll see, you'll feel it on your end and he was in this as long as you were so if anyone knows what you're feeling it is him. But right now the best thing to do is let him go searching for his soul and whatever else, you take this time to think about what you really want from him and if he is even capable of being this person you so desire. The absence of you will intrigue him at some point. Even if he doesn't call right away, HE WILL!! Be patient. Then honey, when he does, you will have a handle on what you REALLY want. Just be a bit mysterious and don't give up your cards, you sound alot stronger than him to begin with and it sounds as if you KNOW that and that maybe that's part of the problem, he's a bit too weak for you. So why become weak in a situation where your strength gave you the guts to demand more from this relationship in the first place, right?? You're stronger and wiser than you think!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 3:02pm
I totally feel your situation here! I too just took a "break" with my boyfriend of 3 years and I am so lost now. We would have fights that would always resurface because he wasn't willing to give me all that I wanted out of a relationship. We have finally talked and he decided that he wont let himself miss me as a girl friend YET, but that he also has to make himself happy before he can try to work on making us happy. He said its not that he doesn't miss or not love me but he was so focused on everything around him he lost track of himself. I am not good at giving advice out to you as I am going through the same thing at this time. Everyone's response to your post has also really helped me. Thanks guys...the hardest part is letting go of something that mattered most in your life. And in my situation he has a lot of emotional and personal problems that get in the way of his life. Example, out of work and trying to meet ends meet with nothing, anger problems and turning 25 and not knowing what he wants to do with his life. Its so hard for me because I have been there through it all and after we have been committed for years he decides now that he needs to find himself before we can continue. There were unhappy times but that doesn't make it any easier because I know what I want from him and cant do it yet. Right now he has to do it alone and that's the hardest part. My opinion is just try to live a normal life, occupy your time and hopefully after he does some soul searching he will figure out what he wants out of life and the person he used to be before all the problems began. I can relate with you on many levels and I am also open to any and all advice! I hope that it helps you to know you are not alone and if its meant to be hopefully they will find their way back to us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 8:17pm
My boyfriend and I have almost the same kind of issue. He is the workaholic extrovert and I am the more introverted homebody. He works in an Emergency Room and has lots of nurse and paramedic friends who go out parying with him almost every night of the week often until 3 or 4 am. (Since he usually works 3pm-11pm or 5pm-1am that is ok for him b/c he can sleep late) I on the other hand, can only party one or two nights a week at most. I am an early riser, and like the daytime hours. Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it because of our conflicting schedules and personalities. Sometimes I worry when he goes out at night every night without me, if he misses me or not. My b/f and I have taken a "break" a couple of times, and during those times, he realized even though we may not be the same at all, that is what makes our relationship special, I keep him grounded at times, and he gets me to let loose and go out sometimes. I would suggest maybe giving it a week or two, maybe he'll realize that you do truely bring something special to his life and will want to give it another try. Good Luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 10:05pm
I know this hurts and I'm sorry but it sounds to me that your ex was being painfully honest to you.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 11:23am

Hey guys.

Thanks soooo much for your responses. I'm back at work today after taking a "mental health day" yesterday. Attorneyswife, thanks so much for your note, too. You hit it right on the head. After talking to my sister yesterday, I realized that a lot of our problems have centered around him being weak (or weaker than me, at least) for the most part and me stepping up and wearing the pants...then when he decided he wanted to be "the man", we would bump heads. If he was making a list of things that he didn't like, it would probably include that I was always challenging him, the plans he made, etc. We had many points of contention.

Someone else wrote in that I should keep moving on as if he was not coming back. I know that I have to do that and will not make any efforts to contact him. But it will still be on my mind. I'm waiting for that day when this breakup will not be the first thing that I think about in the morning (or at 1AM, 4AM, 6AM, etc.) like one of you mentioned that you had.

I know it will get better. My brother in law says I'm better off. And I'm starting to believe him :0) I'm just nervous that I won't find anyone else that I like/love as much as him. The reason why I gave him such a chance is that he was so different from the guys that I've dated in the past. It seems a daunting task to find someone different and better. But I know that there's a big plan for me and I just have to be patient to see how life unfolds.

I'm glad to have a great group of friends who support me, but I'm also so glad to have you guys around, who are going through it too, who are sharing your experiences. This is helping me tremendously. Thanks again.

I'll keep y'all posted and please keep letting me know how you're progressing.