He doesn't love me anymore?
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| Mon, 01-03-2005 - 11:25am |
My boyfriend and I broke up yesterday after dating for about a year and three months. The conversation began on Thursday when a recurring argument came to the surface again and in the heat of the moment, I suggested a break.
The problem that we fight about is a fundamental difference in our personalities - I'm very social and have a very full schedule. I rely on my calendar to keep me straight and like planning most things in advance. He, on the other hand, is an introvert who likes to live on the fly and doesn't really enjoy being lugged around to all of my various social obligations. I've always known that this could be a big issue for us in the future...
Anyway, after suggesting the break, I almost immediately started to rethink the decision. My best friend (who I called right after) asked "do you still want to be with him?", to which I answered yes. "Then don't take the break," she said.
So on Friday morning, I called him at work to try to set up a time to talk, basically because I didn't want to ring in the New Year angry with each other. At first he said he might be able to meet up with me, and then as the day progressed he said he couldn't - he had a bad end to the day at work and didn't want to talk to me while he was so pissed off (this is New Year's Eve, mind you). He subsequently dodged me for the rest of the weekend until yesterday when we finally sat down.
I told him my original intent of talking on Friday, but then said his behavior over the weekend was hurtful and that it seemed that he was happier for the break than I was. He then told me that he'd used the weekend to do some soul searching and had realized he really hadn't been happy for a while. He didn't want to lead me on in thinking that we were continuing to go in a serious direction when he didn't feel the same about me anymore. This came as a huge shock to me.
I knew that I'd had an attitude with him in response to him not participating in social engagements during the holidays (our typical introvert/extrovert battle). He said that he knew these things were important to me, but in retrospect, he found that his lack of wanting to accomodate me and my needs was a tell-tale sign that his feelings had changed.
I, who came to the table ready to comprimise and work something out, thought we could get through these things for the time being because we loved each other. He seems to have given up and not really love me anymore.
Is there anything worth fighting for here? What are the chances that he'll change his mind...I'd be more optimistic if there was an issue that we were arguing about and could work through, but since he doesn't seem to love me anymore, is his book closed? Anyone have some advice in a situation like this...and any idea what this will look like fast-forwarded a couple of months?

Brutal honesty warning.
It's over. He called your bluff, and you lost.
"He...told me that he'd used the weekend to do some soul searching and had realized he really hadn't been happy for a while. He didn't want to lead me on in thinking that we were continuing to go in a serious direction when he didn't feel the same about me anymore....He said that he knew these things were important to me, but in retrospect, he found that his lack of wanting to accomodate me and my needs was a tell-tale sign that his feelings had changed."
No, he doesn't love you anymore. He took the weekend to honestly assess the situation and came to a very mature conclusion. He's right. The fact that he isn't willing to do things you love is a red flag. The fact that he hasn't been happy for a while is a red flag. And he is thoughtful and mature enough to not continue wasting your time knowing you both wanted two seperate things from the relationship. Doesn't make it not hurt. But it does make it over. He's done you a favor. Instead of beating around the bush and leading you on, he's been honest and upfront with you. He's just not that into you. No confussion. No lingering "what-if's".
Hey Girls,
I ve been there few weeks ago (6 weeks to be precise)
and now I feel great. I actually now make fun of relationships and say maybe I should be asking for more of these breaks so that my partner will realise sooner that he is not into me before I get so attached! (sorry if I sounded sarcastic)
but I think if this guy really loved you in the first place he would have tried couple counseling to try to make your differences closer...
I think you should follow the NC rule for the first 30 years :~) and try to take care of you be a little more selfish , read books and have faith you will find the one who will appreciate you. I m thankful If I loved I dont fall out of love for no reason. Love for me is as also a commitment and some guys have issues with the commitment part of it.
xoxo
J.
Hey guys.
Thanks soooo much for your responses. I'm back at work today after taking a "mental health day" yesterday. Attorneyswife, thanks so much for your note, too. You hit it right on the head. After talking to my sister yesterday, I realized that a lot of our problems have centered around him being weak (or weaker than me, at least) for the most part and me stepping up and wearing the pants...then when he decided he wanted to be "the man", we would bump heads. If he was making a list of things that he didn't like, it would probably include that I was always challenging him, the plans he made, etc. We had many points of contention.
Someone else wrote in that I should keep moving on as if he was not coming back. I know that I have to do that and will not make any efforts to contact him. But it will still be on my mind. I'm waiting for that day when this breakup will not be the first thing that I think about in the morning (or at 1AM, 4AM, 6AM, etc.) like one of you mentioned that you had.
I know it will get better. My brother in law says I'm better off. And I'm starting to believe him :0) I'm just nervous that I won't find anyone else that I like/love as much as him. The reason why I gave him such a chance is that he was so different from the guys that I've dated in the past. It seems a daunting task to find someone different and better. But I know that there's a big plan for me and I just have to be patient to see how life unfolds.
I'm glad to have a great group of friends who support me, but I'm also so glad to have you guys around, who are going through it too, who are sharing your experiences. This is helping me tremendously. Thanks again.
I'll keep y'all posted and please keep letting me know how you're progressing.