HE doesn't want no contact.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2003
HE doesn't want no contact.
4
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 1:08pm

My boyfriend of 6 years and I broke up three and a half weeks ago. It's been really tough and I've been in a lot of pain until the last couple of days. I've actually started to feel a bit more "normal" and have regained some of my appetite.

Our breakup was amicable and he really wants to remain friends and I would like that too. But he doesn't see any reason that we should not contact each other for awhile. He still comes over to my house at least a couple of times a week (down from 4 or 5 times), and calls me daily, sometimes just to say "goodnight." Last night he brought over a nice sushi dinner (something I really wished he would have done when we were still together) and he tried to kiss me on the way in the door, he says, out of habit. I didn't let him and we hugged instead. He still invites me to go out with him and so far I've gone twice, but only to group activities. All in all things have been very nice except for the fact that we're not really "together" anymore.

We've discussed our feelings about the breakup and he says he's not in a place where he wants to work on the relationship right now. We've had some talk about setting some boundaries, but it's hard to stick with them when we feel so comfortable together. We have not made out or had sex since the breakup though. I feel like he's sending off all these mixed signals and I'm trying to read into everything (like when he brings over dinner, tries to kiss me, or reaches to hold my hand, or tells me that he can't talk to anyone else like he does to me). I feel like I have to move on as if we're not going to be togeher anymore, but I can't do that and wonder if he really means something by his actions. We've discussed having no contact for a little while but I keep caving in to his requests to come over and spend time with me. He's going to be out of town for the next three weekends and feels like that will be enough.

We're supposed to have some further discussion about this tomorrow night and I have such mixed feelings about it. I know that NC, for awhile is probably the answer for me but, of course I do want to see him and I do enjoy his company and he feels the same way. I would like to hope that we could get back together someday, but I don't want to allow myself to think that.

I think I've rambled enough now.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 1:19pm

My thought when I read the title of your post was "tough, he doesn't get to decide, YOU do!" You need it for your peace of mind and healing--you will NOT be able to move on without it. But until you get firm and grounded in that decision, you're not going to be able to set boundaries with him. And that's ok if you're ok with being in limbo indefintiely. When you get tired of that, you'll do what you need to do, for YOU.

His behavior is very selfish, IMO. He's getting the benefit of your company without any obligations, plus it's keeping you stuck. That doesn't seem fair to me.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 2:27pm

It always baffles me when people tell me they know what they should do....but they aren't doing it.

Life must be going wonderfully for him. To echo Sheri, he gets to see you on his terms, and now he doesn't have to 'work on the relationship' though. None of those pesky responsibilities that mean he might actually have to be a BOYFRIEND.

I hate to break it to you, but right now are you really 'setting boundaries' or are you letting him take the lead? His boundaries are not necessarily YOUR boundaries. I'm not going to tell you what your boundaries are in this situation, but if I were in your place, my boundaries would definitely be along the lines of all or nothing. If he doesn't want to work on it, he's not getting the pleasure of my company. I do not put out for half-ass efforts or crumbs.

cheers
Susanna

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 2:33pm

I totally agree with Sheri.

You are not okay with not being with him. If it was up to you, you'd still be with him, right?

You said you were in a lot of pain in the beginning, totally normal. But while you are still hanging out with him and basically doing all the boyfriend/girlfriend things you used to do (minus sex), you're just covering your pain temporarily.

Believe me, No contact is the way to go even though you are good friends and true it will be hard to break it off because you've been together for 6 YEARS, but I almost feel like it's essential because otherwise you are just setting yourself up for more heartbreaks.

When my first bf broke up with me (I was 19, late bloomer), I still maintained a friendship with him, but I cried a lot, and still expected him to be there for me. And then I find out he became interested in someone else, while he was "behaving" as my boyfriend, even though we both knew we weren't together. It hurt like HE**. How could he go on and date someone else while we were "together"?? I developed this kind of priveledge I felt when I was with him, but in reality I had none.
After that, I knew that next time I was broken up with someone, I will totally implement no contact.

So then comes bf #2. He broke up with me, and I was devastated. His reasons were that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship because he realized he couldn't commit to me as much as I wanted to. Almost same as your situation - he couldnt work as hard as I wanted him to in our relationship. Yes I was devastated, but then I thought it would be okay to still hang out and be friends with him because his reasons of not being with me, were not about me, and maybe he'll get back with me later. One day we go out with his friends, he continuously says how much he thinks he's making a mistake, he loves me, and the next moment, I see him dancing with another girl. WHAT THE HE**. It broke my heart all over again. He still felt strongly for me, but in his mind, he couldn't be with me and was single.

Point: You guys are friends, you love him and want to be with him, he cannot give you what you want, he thinks in his head he is SINGLE, but he still has you with him as a friend. It will hurt you to eventually see him doing his own "single-guy" thing.

In order to remain sane throughout this, I highly recommend you maintain No Contact and tell him that he is being totally selfish if he expects you to put your feelings aside and still be "just friends" with him. Believe me, you will have many more heartbreaks if you maintain friendship with him. Cause even though you want to be with him, he'll constantly remind you through his actions that he does not want to be with you now. He can't make any commitments.

If you guys are meant to be with each other, then it'll happen. But listen to him. He is telling you he cannot be with you now.

I feel for you, and keep posting. It definitely helps.

Good luck. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Wed, 09-12-2007 - 1:59am

I'm new here but this caught my eye. 6 years?

Sounds like someone's using someone, or mutual - going out, having fun, filling a space - but a long time to mess around with someone being ambiguous, avoiding, & avoiding the truth (which is lying??). Maybe you're not really sure about him and just put up with it, and let yourself get beat up - I dont mean for real - & used. It might all be 'nice' but things will change - once he gets a new girl and has something else to do. Then you'll get over the idea of getting back with him.

I had a girlfreind who wanted children and she got strung-out for years, same way, into her early 40's and on the edge of child-rearing, and had to go find someone new. Total waste of time.

You obviously gave it a good shot, but he sounds like a user.