He dumps me and is trying to contact me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
He dumps me and is trying to contact me!
16
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 11:55pm

HEY!

I'm back!!!!! Well, I've been broken up with my ex for a month now .. and about two weeks ago I told him I couldn't EVER be his friend because he's a lying jerk! LOL Anyways .. so we hadn't talked AT ALL in the past two weeks .. I deleted him from my MSN list, so I never see when he's on .. anyways .. tonight I get an MSN message from him trying to talk to me .. why the hell does he still want me in his life or want to know about my life, if we aren't going to be together? I don't get it. One of his close friends always asks me qusetions about my life too .. and I know it's all going back to him .. so like why the hell won't he just go away like I told him to? Why is he trying to talk to me .. the point of getting him out of my life all together was to get over him and move on .. and PS. Did I mention he's a jerk? Any advice would be great! Thanks!

Lynne

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 10:00am

My friend warned me that they always do. It's probably because they feel bad about dumping us and wants to be assured that we're doing okay and that we're not at home performing some voodoo on them. My ex IM'd me last night a week after he told me that he didn't think I was the one. He even got upset with me for not wanting to talk to him. He said, "You sound bitter. Maybe I should just go." Um, yes, I'm bitter. You dumped me. Did he really expect me to be friendly and happy hearing from him? I think he wanted to make sure that I didn't just wallow away and die or something. He just wants to make himself feel better and let go of his guilt. If he really was thinking about me (which he's not), he would not try to contact me and just let me go. I don't care that he's upset. He should be upset - he broke my heart. I shouldn't have to be the one consoling him for feeling bad.

I hadn't cried in 2 days until he contacted me and now I'm in the same state I was a week ago. This is why the no-contact rule is the best thing ever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 11:02am

I know just how you feel....my ex keeps contacting me in various ways and it has been 2 months since he dumped me...

I talked to some guy friends about why men do this and this is what they said....he feels guilty.....he may be second guessing his decision.......he wants to know that you are still around waiting for him if he changes his mind....he misses the sex and may want a quick hook up.....he may get lonely and miss you for whatever reason...

so there you have it.....and it does make it so much harder to get over them when they do this....i just get to the point where i am feeling better and moving forward and it is like he has radar....so then he pops back into my email....and i cant block him from my work email......yuk

one thing to remember though is that research has shown that it is harder to be the dumper than the dumpee as far as second thoughts go. The dumpee has no choice but to accept what has happened but the dumper will always question themselves on whether or not they made the right decision.

i think it is our job to let them know....by no contact....that they are done dealing with us.....there is no chance of going back....and if they lose a great girl in the process that is just their loss.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 11:12am

Most likely, he's contacting you either out of guilt (so he can feel better about himself...if you talk to him, then he can't be all that bad, right?), or to make sure you are there on the back burner in case he changes his mind.

When you deleted him, you forgot a key aspect...BLOCKING him as well. Time to do that so you don't need to deal with him contacting you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 11:35am
This may be pathetic, but part of me is hoping he realizes that he made a huge mistake and will want me back. I know there's no chance of this, and I know I don't want him back because my trust has been betrayed, but it's still new and I can't let go of the "what if" yet. I have deleted his email address, phone number, IM, etc. Unfortunately he didn't and when he IM'd me last night I didn't have the will power to just not respond. I was doing so much better when he was not contacting me, so I ended up emailing him to let him know that no contact is the right thing for him to do if he really cares about me. It still hurts - I'm like a walking zombie today but I know I will be okay eventually.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 11:50am

I'm confused...are you the OP with a different username?

In any event, it's not enough to send a "please don't contact me" email...you need to block him from emailing or IM'ing you also. If you're not ready to do so, that's ok, so long as you accept responsibility for that and realize that you will be allowing yourself to be hurt and setting your healing back if he contacts you again.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 12:15pm
OP? No, I've had the same username. I guess I got worked up again since my ex contacted me last night. We went out for a year and he broke up with me over a week ago because he didn't think I was the one. I don't think he has the right to my friendship after he broke my heart like this. And yes, part of me still wants him back so that's probably why I did not block his IM or emails. But I know that I will not take him back because how can I be with a person who told me he loved me, then a year later doubts his feelings? So you're right - the first thing I'm going to do when I get home is to block him from my life. Thanks for the advice.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 12:26pm

OP = original poster in the thread, or lynne81 in this case. Since it sounds like you are in the exact same situation she is, I got confused, sorry ;-).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 12:34pm

Who knows why men still bother to contact us after dumping us? It's been a question I've been trying to figure out the answer to for the past 6 months.

My ex told me he didn't like me, didn't want to be my friend, didn't even want to know me...and generally tended to ignore me whenever I contacted him. But he would still contact me occasionally on his own, and got mad when I acted distant towards him. He would say things like "Well, you obviously don't want to talk to me so I won't bother you anymore" or "You could at least pretend to be interested in my life." Um sorry, but I really didn't want to hear all about his wonderful new relationship!

I think men contact us for a lot of the same reasons we contact them...one major reason being self-esteem/pride. Yeah, of course we still love them...but the truth is, it hurts to be dumped. We got rejected and we are confused about why. We want answers...and yes, we miss them. We miss feeling like someone cares...we miss what we were used to for so long--what was comfortable. We don't want to be forgotten. I think my ex feels the same way sometimes--he doesn't want to feel like he meant nothing to me. He would hate it if I were able to move on so quickly. It would damage his self-esteem/pride.

I think that even though he has a new girlfriend, my ex has moments where he misses me and the way things used to be between us. I've mentioned this before in another post--nobody will ever be able to love him the exact same way I did. I'm not saying that somebody couldn't love him more, or in a better way...but it won't be the same no matter what. And I believe that he knows that, and he's scared he'll miss that in the future.

Another reason is that yes, he does feel guilty. In the past, there have been periods where I didn't contact him...and he would send me an IM, or a text, saying "I hope you're still alive" or "Let me know that you're ok." He didn't want to feel guilty or have to worry about me.

So I don't think there's just one reason why an ex still contacts you. But very rarely is it because they want to get back together. I have been fooling myself with that for too long...I have been giving myself such false hope over the past 6 months. Even if he started to contact me every day, that doesn't mean my ex is coming back...it's time that I started accepting that. Good luck with your situation and be strong :) <3

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 12:43pm
No problem - I guess this is why it helps to go on this board. So many of us are going through the same thing. When I'm upset, I tend to think that I'm a special case and I suffer like no one else. So this lets me know that many of you went through the same thing and have survived.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 2:22pm

Hi there,

I was so glad to read so many responses to my original post to know that I'm not alone!! It's weird .. this morning my ex's best friend was talking to me and said, "so he misses you and wants to talk to you" ... but like what the hell am I suppose to say to him? I don't want my ex back in my life .. a week after dumping me I found out he had met someone else before we broke up ... and now they are together! Why, if he has a new g/f does he want to keep me around? I don't know if it's out of guilt, keeping me at the back in case he wants something .. I just wish he would go away ... he pushed me away when he broke up with me and now he wants to be my friend? I told him we couldn't be friends at all. I thought he got that through his dumb head. It pisses me off that ex's or guys for that matter think they can have a relationship/friendship the way THEY want it .. not how it's equal to both people. And why is it they walk into your life when they feel like it too? Grrrrrrr. I was honestly starting to feel better and it's like they have radar to know that and then come back into your life to make you feel like crap again. Thanks for listening!

Lynne

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