He emailed and called.....?!?!?!?!?!
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| Mon, 01-07-2008 - 10:00am |
Hi all -
This is so annoying, I don't know what to do.
Quick background - Bf of 2 years made out with a girl while we were going out and had to break up with me because he needed to figure out why he did it and make sure he would never do something like that again. It's been 5 months since we broke up. We talked a little bit in the beginning, and he said he was so afraid of losing me but needs to take this time apart to be healthy. I told him not to call me unless he wanted to work on things and get back together. He has respected my wishes.
On the day that I was leaving for my 2 week trip abroad (in mid December) I got an email from him. It was long. Which is totally unlike him to write a long email.
He started off saying, "I'm not sure you want to get an email from me, and I totally understand if you delete this after reading the subject line." and proceeds to say that he's been going over this email for over a day now trying to figure out what to say. So he wishes me a safe trip, hope I have a lot of fun, and then wishes me a happy birthday because I'd be celebrating it while I was away. The email, while being meaningful and a gesture of reaching out, was not enough. And he knew and I knew.
So I didn't email him back because I really didn't know how to respond to it.
Then after my vacation, just this morning, I saw a missed call from him from last night at 10pm. I passed out EARLY (still not over the jet lag) so I didn't even hear the phone ring. He didn't leave a message! And I'm thinking, he KNOWS not to call me unless he truly wants to get together. So why did he call and not leave a message???
Maybe he called by mistake and he was trying to call someone else.
Maybe he had a moment of weakness and called.
Maybe he was going to bed and called and decided not to leave a message cause he didn't want me calling back while he was sleeping.
Maybe he didn't leave a message cause he felt rejected that, 1- I didn't respond to his email, and 2 - I didn't pick up the phone when he called.
WHAT SHOULD I DO. My first thought is that I shouldn't do anything. He didn't leave a message so obviously he doesn't want to get back together. (is that true?) Therefore I shouldn't text him or email him asking him why he called.
Or maybe he felt rejected twice and I should show him that I didn't ignore his phone call on purpose, that I slept. And maybe he won't feel so rejected and will call me back.
So should I text him saying, "Not sure why you called, but I was sleeping"? Or email him saying thanks for the email, I got your missed call and I was asleep"?
If he truly wanted to get back together, he would have left a message or called again, RIGHT? But can a guy honestly feel so rejected that he would be afraid to call me and ask to work on things?
And what if he didn't call because he wanted to work on things? And I set myself up by emailing him and getting nothing in return.
ARGH.

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All of your other questions in your post I thought were simply musings,
Hey all -
Thanks for the response.
Sandra -
I believe that not leaving a message does not mean he doesn't want to get back with me. And maybe he will call again at a better time.
I am open to what he wanted to say but ONLY if he wants to get back together. I don't want to talk with him if he just wanted to talk to me cause he missed me. I don't want to talk to me if all he wants to do is apologize to me and not reconcile. And I've told him this.
Therefore, maybe I'll wait until tonight and see if he calls. If not, then I will send him an email saying I missed his call.
I just feel like if I do email him saying I missed his call, and he emails or calls back, saying anything other than, yeah I really wanted to talk with you and work on things, then I'm afraid I would feel rejected and hurt. It may stop my healing. I'm trying so hard to move on and I just don't want to be reminded of him consciously choosing to not be in my life.
You said ""If you're not and you think taking this hardline will eventually get you what you want (have yet to see that happen in real life, by the way) then don't respond at all.""
When you say I'm taking this hardline, do you mean that I am purposely not contacting him because I want him to pine his way to me? And you say that you haven't seen that happen in real life - where the broken up person puts up a wall and that causes the breaker to pine for them more?
Thanks again
So, did he call yet?
About taking a hardline approach:
....."When you say I'm taking this hardline, do you mean that I am purposely not contacting him because I want him to pine his way to me?".....
Wow Sandra,
I believe you got your point across....Today I spoke with my therapist, and she about said the same thing.
The only difference, I had to pay her $200 for that slap.
Cheers
Hi Sandra -
Yes, he called, and I will probably be posting about it in the next few days. He called and asked for my forgiveness and wanted to talk more about us and working things out. I'm nervous about getting back into this, and will have to talk to him more and see where he's coming from and if I can truly see his sincerity. And then I will have to decide what I want to do with it. I'm confused about this, but I'm not letting it bother me, and I'm trying not to feel rushed into anything. He was nervous and awkward when he called and I told him to call me again if he wanted to talk more about what he has been thinking.
Thank you for your explanations. I'm trying to be open and non threatening to him. I'm being myself and with that, I mean I'm not going to be a hard a$$ and force him to come to me the way I had hoped. I mean I just truly hope that he has come to me bringing some good changes.
Of course in my head I imagined a grand gesture on his part. And I know that the only thing I SHOULD hope for is that he comes to me willing to listen to my feelings, with knowledge on what qualities of a bf he was lacking, and wanting to work on that, with appreciation, and with some level of commitment and seriousness because he has to know that this time has to be different and we can't afford to go through another breakup over the same problems.
And that's another thing - about the best version of me. I feel I have improved and I know much more now what I want in a relationship.
Taking the hardline approach - it's difficult for me to try to be open minded to what I should expect from my ex. I tend to say, well if he really wanted to be with me, he should have left a message, or whatever. I have to see this in relation or relative to him. Is what he's doing something he considers big on his part? or extremely thoughtful?
Hmm we'll see how this plays out..
Thanks again!
r2boston
Ive been following your thread, I am glad he called- I know you were hoping to hear some of the things he told you.
Thanks lovergrl18!
See that's the thing, I was hoping he would say those things - up until a few weeks ago. Then I thought I was just better off. Now I don't know what I want. Maybe I've separated myself from him so much that I forgot how it was to be with him, that I forgot all the good things. I'm not sure how it will play out but I'm just going with the flow.
I'll keep you posted!
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have also moved on...i actually feel better off without him now, although we still talk.
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