He just ambushed me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
He just ambushed me.
11
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 3:36pm

Well I've been posting to other peoples discussions, however this is the first one I've started. My ex and I dated for 2 years and I broke up with him about a week ago for about the 1000th time. I've been carrying around "It's Called a Breakup Because It Is Broken" everywhere I go for inspiration and visiting this board daily.

He was raised having to watch his dad belittle his mom and beat her up, as well as being on the receiving end. He basically raised himself along with his brother. He has one of the worst tempers I've ever seen and is borderline alcoholic. Of course this did not appear early in the relationship, it never does. I know this is the main reason he is emotionally unavailable, afraid of commitments, and calls me things like whore and the "c" word when he gets angry. I have made mistakes in our relationship, some of them were really big, but that does not excuse his behavior. I've broken up with him before for about a month and he talked me into coming back. Of course he threatened the guy I was going out (as friends) with bodily harm. The poor guy was scared to death of him and refused to ever speak with me again.

Well today he ambushed me at the book store. He knows I go there everyday at lunch and was standing inside the door waiting for me when I walked in. He began asking me who I was leaving him for and calling me names. Just so you all know, there is nobody else. He grabbed my phone and started going through it. I told him to leave me the "f" alone and walked to my car. He tried to block my car from pulling out.

I guess I felt like I could take care of him because inside is that tortured boy who both had to watch, and had to take abuse. His younger brother died of an overdose and his dad committed suicide not long ago. He really needed me during that time and I put him first, even before my family, my job, and my finances. I know it is never going to work, I can only save myself from drowning in depression and alcohol along with him. Still I feel like I've been punched in the stomach and I'm so sad. He has refused professional help.

Thank you all for reading this. I could use any advice available but mostly just needed to get it all out. My friends bailed on me a long time ago because of him.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 3:52pm

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. But it sounds like you are determined to stay strong. Good for you!!!

I think you need to stop worrying about HIS issues though, and focus on YOURS...such as, WHY did you keep going back to a relationship with a guy who is so obviously broken?

Are you going to CODA meetings? Are you in counseling? I apologize if you've said and I've missed it...

If nothing else you need support (in addition to this board) that you're doing the right thing and in sticking to your decision that it needs to be over.

Also...have you considered reporting him to the police? For your own safety, that really is something you should at least think about seriously.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 3:53pm

It is good you can come to this board to find moral support, we're all here for you.

My advice to you would be to get a restraining order against him. It sounds like he could end up being violent with you, especially by his behavior today. I work in a lawyer's office and restraining Orders are a great idea when dealing with divorces and break-ups, especially if one side acts the way your ex is.

Have you been doing the NO CONTACT thing with him. If you haven't yet I strongly suggest you put that into motion as soon as possible.

(((((HUGS)))))

~Amber~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 4:00pm

Thank you so much for the input. It really does help.

I'm determined to stay strong. I have completely stopped smoking and drinking so I have a clear head this time.

I guess I kept going back because I hoped I could save him. I desperately love him more than anyone I've ever loved, however I guess that was not enough.

I probably do need to go to counseling. I've never been to counseling before but I'm willing to try.

He goes over the edge at the thought of me being with someone because he was married for 7 years and his wife cheated on him and left him for the man she is now married to. I never believed the stories she told other people about him being abusive. How freakin' stupid am I? I thought she was just being a bitch.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 4:20pm

Have you read anything about co-dependency? That's a classic symptom--believing you can save someone. Many of those who get into relationships with addicts are co-dependent.

I'd suggest having a look at the CODA website (http://www.coda.org) and if you identify with the signs, go to a few meetings (if there is more than one in your area, try a couple--each meeting usually has a different dynamic). You should also read "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

I think individual counseling would also be helpful in addition to CODA but it's a place to start.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 4:20pm

Thank you for your response. I do appreciate it.

I may have to get a restraining order, his ex wife had one for a while. I'm not innocent when it comes to bad behavior. We have argued before and I have taken a swing at him. Of course when I did he pushed me and I ended up hitting my head and getting badly bruised. He is not the only one to blame.

As far as no contact goes, I've responded to a few of his texts. He asked me to accompany him to a party last night (by text). I replied NO and turned my phone off. He left me a voice mail and I sent him a text that said I wanted him to leave me alone (this was prior to the bookstore incident). I have not called him since Saturday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 4:51pm
Thank you! I will definitely check out the website and the book. I may graduate eventually to meetings.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 5:46pm
He just called and left me a vm. I caved and listened to it. He apologized for his behavior. He swings back and forth from anger to sorrow to being heartbroken. I swear he is bi-polar.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 5:59pm

I think it's time to change your number and cut off contact altogether. I know it's not easy to do but it's necessary.

Apologies aren't going to change anything. You know that. He's "broken", in the sense that he is incapable of being in a healthy relationship. The reasons for it (bipolar, bad childhood, whatever) don't really matter--the fact is, he's not capable of being a partner in a healthy relationship.

I hope you'll get yourself to a meeting sooner rather than later. It sounds like you need support *NOW*.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 7:40pm

I agree with what Sheri and Amber are saying here,

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 11:11am

I would like to suggest that you put him in contact with a Survior's of Suicide Group or Friends for Survival.
I don't have the link handy, but it can be found in most search engines.

And I also think that you should vary your routine daily activities so he can't find you.

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