He just vanished!!! HELP!
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| Sun, 07-30-2006 - 11:34am |
Please, someone help me. I was dating a guy for about two months now, and it was going very well, or so I thought. We had a lot in common, had a great, comfortable time together, he was very kind, considerate, etc. My friends/family adored him. He works a job that is very physically stressful, with very long hours. That and the fact we live an hour away from each other, we would sometimes only get together on weekends. He would call a lot though, in the morning, during the day, and at night-always, very reliably. He took me many times to where he worked, lived, introduced me to family, friends, and co-workers, all who turned out to really like me too. We spent time with them as well as by ourselves. This, and his working so much, which I saw for myself, leads me to believe that there isn't someone else (but who knows). Ok, here's what happened; last week he went for a couple of days not calling. I know that is not a big deal, but please understand, for this partiular guy, this was very unusual. He apologized profusely, claimed he had a rotten week at work, wasn't feeling well, was tired. We spent the weekend together, and it was fine, very good actually. So was this week, until Thursday evening. He was supposed to come over, but called in the afternoon to say he had to work late, as usual, and couldn't make it. He was VERY pissed off, not at me, but his job, claiming "he has no life", was sick of working so hard, etc. (He is usually an extremely positve, upbeat, optimistic person-one of the things that attracted me so much.) I, of course, was disappointed but didn't tell him so, reassuring him it was ok, so not to add to his stress by being upset. He never called the rest of the night, even though I called him and left messages (again, unusual for him). He finally called early Friday, apologizing for not calling but said he was just so "f_ckin pissed off" he didn't want to talk to anybody. (Even me? Again, strange.) Talked again Friday afternoon, he sounded a little better, but still not himself. Again, no contact Friday night, no response to my calls/messages. I finally called him Saturday morning (yesterday) he answered, stating again, how sorry he was he upset me, but he was just in such a bad mood, he didn't want to talk to anyone. He claimed however, that he couldn't wait to see me that day, what should we do together, he's sure I'll make him feel happy, etc. Well, guess what. I never heard from him. I called 2x, the 2nd time telling him, if he did not want to see/be with me, could he just at least have the decency to let me know, I won't bother him anymore, and can just move on? Well, I still haven't heard one word. It's like he compeletey disappeared, *POOF*. I'm obviously not going to call him again. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED??? Maybe if this guy had been a jackass all along this wouldn't seem so strange, but I can't stress enough how kind and sweet and considerate he was to me and everyone around me. It's COMPLETELY out of character for him. Not only does it hurt like a bitch for him to want to leave, but I don't even get the decency of an explanation, not even a good-bye??? How can someone just leave, without ONE WORD??? How am I supposed to move on, I don't even know what happened!!! Our last conversation was fine. He seemed happier about seeing me, etc. No indication of this. What am I supposed to do? Assume we are "broken up"? This is just ridiculous.
I am sorry this is so long. Bless those of you who are still reading. I just wanted to explain everything as clearly as possible. Any help is very much appreciated! Thank you.
Hugs,
Karen

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So sorry to hear that this guy was such a dick. Of course you deserve better than that!
I'm going to give you the advice I gave one of my girlfriends going through a similar situation - it's better to find out now!
The first two months of a relationship with a future should be pretty idyllic. If it's going to work for any significant length of time, both of you have to be in full-on courtship mode. No games, no mystery, no giant disappointments. If a guy is behaving like this so early in the game, there's little chance that it could evolve into something more permanent.
From what little I know of your situation, I am going to surmise that there's something bad going on with this guy that has nothing to do with you. Maybe his job is getting the better of him. Maybe he hasn't gotten over an ex. Maybe he's working on some other personal stuff. Whatever the case may be, it doesn't sound like you're at fault. He obviously liked you enough to bring you around his friends and family, but he seems unable to sustain something long term.
If I were you, I'd forget about this guy. Whatever you do, don't take personal responsibility for what happened! When someone has something to figure out about himself, his problem outsrips a budding little relationship. It's true that he owes you an explanation, but be prepared in case you don't get one.
Not that these short-term things aren't devestating. I remember, a few years back, I was dating this guy who was so, so awesome. I liked him so very much, and I'm picky as all get out. After about two awesome months, he said he couldn't see me anymore, with no explanation. I freaked out! I was a sobbing wreck for months. Eventually, I met someone else and forgot all about him. Point is, you can and will move on, even if it takes a while.
I know this is going to sound stupid, but be grateful it's only been two months. It hurts far less deeply than breaking up with someone after a few years (my situation). He doesn't know you all that well yet, so his jerkiness in no way indicts you or your character.
Stay strong! Kudos to you for not calling him!
Ugh, I'm so sorry to hear that! The sobbing will stop someday, believe me. The sooner you come to terms with the loss, the better, so it's actually good to sob right now.
Of course you deserve a goodbye! However, this guy has his head stuck up his ass. Maybe he's unable to say goodbye. Maybe he will get in touch with you some other time to give an explanation. What's important right now is making yourself feel better. Make sure you truly believe that you deserve better so that if he comes back with some half-assed explanation for treating you poorly you can walk away with no regrets.
What are your plans for today? I hope they include going over to your best friend's house. Get some comfort! Watch a bad movie! Eat ice cream! Go for a run!
Look, there's no way you're at fault for this happening. You're ready for a relationship, he's not. It's not you, it's him. Seriously. He's self-centered, or at least acting like it. You clearly aren't, so realize that you're better than him. I know it's hard to believe that right now, but you will soon, trust me. I was so devestated after I broke up with an emotionally unavailable man, and here I am, two months later, about to go hang out all day with my friends and looking forward to flirting with this cute guy I met last weekend. This will be you someday very soon! Yeah, I'm still on this board, but you know, these things take time, is all I'm saying. Now go to your best friend's house and cry and bitch your heart out!
You are an AWESOME person!!! I can't thank you enough for being the hand I needed to hold. I am planning to go shopping and out to lunch, with just me, to spoil myself a little. These jumbled emotions are difficult; wanting to pound him one minute, hold him the next, cry, get mad, etc. He always had such a fearless, "macho" personality. The idea that he is "afraid" to contact me is almost funny, if it wasn't so hurtful and bewildering.
Well, have fun and I will keep in touch!
Hugs,
Karen
I mean this in the nicest way, but I really think you need to calm down. Whatever this guy is going through probably has nothing to do with you, and it could be that he just needs a little space. The more you freak out and leave him messages asking if things are over between you the less he's going to want to contact you. It doesn't sound to me like he's just leaving you. It sounds to me like he got overwhelmed with something and just needed some space. It's unfortunate that he couldn't find a more direct way to tell you that. I would say give him a week and then contact them next Saturday or Sunday (if you still haven't heard from him by then) to ask what's up. Don't get emotional about it. Just call him to let him know you've missed him and you're confused about him and hear what he says.
Of course there's a chance that he's screwed up and that things between you were just too good for him and he got scared. It could be he's commitmentphobic. But there's also a chance that he's a normal person who isn't perfect and has flaws. Perhaps this is that inevitable part of the relationship where you discover that he isn't always going to make you happy, and that some rough spots will appear.
I think I understand the pain you're feeling now because you think this relationship has ended. But nothing you have said indicates that it is. It doesn't sound good, I realize that. But hang in there. I don't think what he's done warrants ending the relationship. It's definitely time for a good long talk, but not time to end things.
Really? You think it's ok to just stand someone up when you have plans without even a phone call letting the other person know that you have to cancel?
That would be a dealbreaker in my book--unless he's dead or in a coma and CAN'T call, there's no excuse, IMO. Now, if he were to call and apologize profusely TODAY and had a *really*, really good excuse, then that would be one thing...but anything less would not.
Sheri
No matter HOW bad my day was, or how much stress I was under, I would never leave someone hanging like that. Either he shouldn't have committed to doing something with the OP, or he should have called to cancel.
I don't disagree that it would be natural to be wondering whether he's ok, but how is she supposed to find out? Should she drive over to his house, or what would you suggest?
Sheri
Hi everyone, it's me again. Ok, worrying that something happened to him got the best of me; tried calling, still no answer. Soooo, I took the liberty of calling his sister, and ended up speaking to his mom (his parents are separated, he and his father live elsewhere, though not together)she hasn't heard from him and his sister was out with a friend. That made me feel a little better, since he and his sister are very close and I assume if something bad happened to him she would be aware of it. His mom also gave me his dad's cell number and the number of the people he rents from. I tried both, no answer, but I didn't leave a message because I wasn't sure if I should.
So, odds are he is probably ok...I am not sure what to do. Nothing? Keeping trying him every so often? Leave a message with his dad and/or the people he rents from? I am not sure he is worth all this trouble; seeing what he is putting me through. His mom was surprised to hear he's not responding to his cell. AAARRRGH! This is driving me crazy!!!
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