He left and I want to win him back

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006
He left and I want to win him back
2
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 9:57am
Hi I am a 26 year old female married to the man I love for almost 6 years. We dated about 7 months before he proposed. We started off rough. I already had a child from another man. And I got pregnant right when we first started seeing each other (yes we used protection) It was such an attraction. He was funny, light hearted, giving. But in the same token he wasn't good with money and he cheated on me, which we worked through. Anyway we were married life was good and I got pregnant on my 21st birthday. We were so happy but than it happened....my hair started to fall out....not a little....all of it. I was mortified. It put me into a deep depression. I gained weight.....I was 130 before and almost doubled my weight. My husband never said anything to me about it, he would wink and say bald women are sexy. Never did he make me feel bad for it, but I did. I woman without hair gaining weight. i felt ugly, I hated myself. My husband took care of the baby, I didn't get out of bed I was so down. Now he has the bond a mother usually has with the kids. Anyway, time goes and I have never got out of feeling sorry for myself, and I have never got my hair back or lost my weight. I have been to doctors and they say I have alopecia totallis (hair loss no reasoning) He has been mostly great through this, he lost his temper once and went to a battering class and never raised a hand to me at all. I would get so mad at him for the little things and just be mean to him. He took it. I didn't know I was that bad. I went to my doctor and he sent me to a psychiatrist and diagnosed my bipolar 2 I would stop taking my meds after I would feel good (I know that is bad) than start a few months later and stop again. He gave me everything I wanted he would have gave me the moon if he could. We he left on December 30th, my daughters birthday, and said he would never come back. I died inside. Well needless to say I have been on my meds since about December 20th. I am feeling good and not going to to get off the meds. They finally got them to the strength I need and I feel a differance. My husband who left wants to remain friends best friends he says. I don't know if I can accept that. We weren't friends before and I love him so much. He says he don't love me anymore I pushed him away, he sees that I am taking my meds and that I am treating him better and I can laugh. It hurts to know I caused him pain and would do anything to show him. I have sent him flowers at work, wrote him e-mails and cried to him. He is demanding just to be friends or nothing at all. So I stopped afraid to lose him. I asked if he took his vows seriously, sickness and in health, better or for worse death do us part...he says yes but he wants it out cause he can hurt inside anymore that I have pushed him away and he isn't even him anymore. He used to light up my life, everyone loves him, he can talk easily abotu anything to anyone, gets people to laugh and now he just sits emotionless. Needless to say he moved out and I am moving to a new place. He stopped by last night and hooked up a tv that I couldn't get to work and looked at the tub that the drain won't stay closed. He sat for about a hour not really talking but answering the questions I would ask. Not about our relationship (he won't talk abotu that anymore he says he is done) but just friendly how was your day what you doing this weekend. I kept a smile on my face and he just would barely respond. When he got up to leave I said hey, why won't you talk, I did all the talking and usually it was the other way around. He looked at me and said everyone made fun of me when I would be the loud outgoing Lenny and you even made me stop so to the one that mattered to me the most I took your advice. He started to walk away and I said hey he looked back and I said don't change the wonderful person you were. I am so heart broken and dont knwo what to do to get him to love me again. I don't know if he needs time or space to see that I am taking my meds and giving 100%. I am still down on myself for having no hair (I have wigs but they are not me so I am scared to wear them so I wear a bandana) I would do anything for him. And it hurts so bad when he looked at me and said I do not love you anymore you pushed me away and tried to change me and I am miserable inside. He says I don't love him and if I would have shown him early he would have loved me the rest of my life. I am dead inside and lost on what to do. I desperatly want him back in my life as my husband. He is a great father and takes the kids all the time there is no doubt he will remain that way. I wish I could go back and see things differantly. What do I do to get him to love me again? I want this to work out before he files for a divorce. He won't go to counsoling I asked, but I go by myself. whew....any advice????? Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 4:12pm

I am so very sorry about your situation and I hope that things resolve soon for you. In my limited experience, I have found that a relationship works best if you love yourself first. So, I think you are doing absolutely the right thing by taking your meds and going to counseling. You have to be strong inside first.

As for your relationship, I would take some time for yourself and keep things casual with your husband. Don't pressure him into coming back. I've tried that and it just pushes men away more I think. Show him in little ways how much you love him, small reminders of why he loved you in the first place and believe me it didn't have much to do with looks. It takes a lot more than looks to love someone.

And I would after some time, try convincing him of counseling again. I think it would really help you both. But pls. don't give up on yourself. You have to be fine with or without him. Focus on you and your kids for a while.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 7:38pm
Ok, rather than focus on him, start with YOU. Start getting medical and psychological help to heal and be able to get back to you AND being a Mom..those kids need you. Can you imagine how scared they are seeing Mom like this? It is horrid you lost your hair and gained weight..your self esteem must be 0 BUT U have control here..get back on the band wagon of life..start living again...if not for you for those precious kids..and then maybe he will come back and if not, well its over and time to move on...sad as it sounds..