He left me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
He left me!
9
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 3:51pm
He told me 2 weeks ago today that he was leaving me - it was the day before my birthday. The day after my birthday he moved out. I can't eat or sleep. He is the love of my life and he just walked away from me as if after 3 years this meant nothing and he took himself and his two kids away - he took my family away. Now my house is empty, no more toys on the floor, no more dishes left on the counter, no more mess - I use to complain about the mess, now I want it back. My house is so cold and empty. This morning I couldn't bear the pain any longer and sent him a text message. He called me and we talked and I told him that I wanted to work this out; that I wanted my family back. He said that right now he can't see a future but that he still cares and loves me and that if we wanted to go to a movie that would be OK. I told him that I loved him as we hung up and he said it back in a hurried manner. I am an emotional wreck, I can't work, eat, sleep, I feel like I am barely functioning. I am willing to do whatever it takes to get him back but I also know he does not want me. I don't know how to move past this horrible desperate feeling. How could he turn off his feelings so easily and quickly? He said he needed time to figure out his life but he told me he has not done any thinking and that he is just trying to stay busy. If he wants to figure it out, he needs to think about it - right? He can't do that if he is distracting himself all the time. Is it just a line?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 4:01pm

This is a hard time. How long was he in your life? Did the kids get to have closure? How old are they?

This will take time. In the meantime you have to get a grip and get to work. Surround yourself with people. For me, if I am busy it helps A LOT. Spend time with the girls, take of some exercise or get right into it..and come here for support.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 5:24pm

Unfortunately there is no cure for that horrible feeling except for a combination of time, no contact, and acceptance that it's over.

He's had plenty of time to think about ending this, to process it, etc...you have not. It took you by surprise, whereas he grappled with the decision to end it so he is in a different place than you are. It doesn't mean he's "turned off his feelings quickly and easily", it means he made a decision and is implementing it. You weren't part of that decision process and that's painful!

Even though it's a very difficult, painful thing to accept, you need to focus on it being over. You have no control over whether he will want to come back or not...all you can control are your own actions and feelings. And since continuing to have hope will make it impossible for you to move on, giving up hope and reaching acceptance is part of the grieving and recovery process.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 7:14pm
We were together a little over 3 years. His kids are 6 & 10 and we were very close. I was expected to act as a mother with them - he encouraged me to bond with them as a mother. I have not seen the kids, he just left and told them later that we broke up. I will never see them again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 10:52pm
Man, what a loser..do the kids go to the same school? How long were you a couple? Terrible..for you and the kids. I wish u healing light and love from family and friends and your higher power. This is rough.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 11:21pm
I know how you feel. I was with my boyfriend for 2 years and he also had a son that I cared for very much. I also took on the role of mom while his own mother was in and out of jail and drug rehab. The sad thing is that my ex is now back with his sons mother. We only broke up 2 weeks ago. I feel your pain. If he is willing to give up three years then maybe he isn't worth it. I know it is easier said than done. I hate when I am told it takes time and to hang in there. Just know that there are people here that you can vent to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 10-01-2005 - 6:32am
It's almost like a betrayal. Hopefully the Mom is rehabed and the child will not suffer anymore. And it's good you found out before you had kids and more of an investment. Look on whatever bright side you can. Peace.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Sat, 10-01-2005 - 10:56am
You are SO right. He made this decision long before he told me. He had disconnected from this relationship months ago and in that time had an affair. He said he wanted to try and work it out but I think he is only saying that because he thinks it will make it easier on me. He is in a different place than me. He got to be with me and be home while he made his adjustment. I have to make mine alone. He is more cruel than I thought. How could I not know this person after 3+ years? How can he be so different from the man I fell in love with?
Thank you for your message.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Sat, 10-01-2005 - 10:59am
I don't have children. His kids live with their mother & her husband primarily but the relationship with them was very good - we all got along and acted as a community raising the children. We always looked at the bigger picture - the kids. At least I thought he did also - I guess from his actions, he really did not care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Sat, 10-01-2005 - 11:01am
WOW! You did all that for him and he ends up going back to her? I am so sorry to hear that. I feel horrible for the child also. You were probably the only stable force he had in his life. I wish I had words that would ease your pain.