He left me then his wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2014
He left me then his wife
Fri, 05-23-2014 - 2:33pm

Was together with a MM for almost 12 years.  He;s 14 yrs older than me and was married for 45 yrs.  2 1/2 months ago he told me without any warning that he was leaving me that a few months before someone he had an affair with more than 30 yrs ago contacted him.  3 days after blindsiding me by walking out he told his wife he wanted a divorce and told her everything he's been doing for the last 30+ years.   I still talk to him on ohone and see himoften.  He says this new relationship is going to explode since she also asked her husband for a divorce & now her kids (18 & 21) are barely speaking to her.  I know I must not be in contact with him inh anyway but cannot just move on.  I'm most times depressed, lost, sadf, lonley though function workwise etc when I have to.  Help!    

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 05-23-2014 - 2:37pm

I would post this over in the Affair boards.  There is Marital Affair Support, Ending an Affair Support and After your Affair Support.

All under Relationship Problems.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 05-23-2014 - 11:43pm

This is a breakup as well as an affair,  and it's a shame you wasted 12 years of your life on a man that was married.  And like any relationship, whether it's a marriage or an affair, it's hard to deal with, especially when it's been going on so long.  From the numbers you've given, he's got to be 65 or more, which makes you closer to 50.  You're a young woman, and you have plenty of time to find someone new, and have a full life.  And that's what you have to do.  Concentrate on moving on with your life.Stop talking to him and stop seeing him.  He never left his wife for you, but he's leaving her for someone he hasn't seen or heard from in 30 years......which means also that you're not the first one he cheated with!  It always holds true, if they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.  My ex was a serial cheater, one night stands and long term relationships.  He cheated on the long term women, and one of them developed breast cancer and he dumped her.  Married men sometimes meet someone and get involved, but if they truly love the new partner, they will get a divorce......soon, not 12 years later.  When I'd finally had enough, I filed for divorce, and guess what, he cried and begged me NOT to divorce him!  Men like that want "respect" from family, friends, children, anyone else that knows them.  They stay in the marriage for the respect, and they have the affairs for who knows......to feed their egos?  Probably.  He's gone, and good riddance......move on and make a good life for yourself.  Stay away from him...he doesn't want you.......he wants the new one.  You're wasting MORE time by trying to hang on.  Good Luck to you......life goes on, and also gets better than you expected.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Fri, 06-06-2014 - 11:37am
KLH, are you also married? Just curious to know. Anyway, sending you hugs. I can't begin to imagine how you feel but as you described you feel depressed, lost sad and lonely. I can understand why because you were in a relationship with a man for 12 years and that sudden break-up came fast and unexpectedly. I always feel you should go back to the things you love and enjoy. Get into some activities like art, playing an instrument, the gym, swimming, doing pottery, anything to keep you busy and have you focused on something else besides the hurt and pain you're experiencing right now. If possible I'd refrain from keeping contact with him. You have to let go and heal and by having No Contact that will be a good start. I know its easier said than done but you have to do this for self preservation. Look how easy it was for him to just up and leave his wife and you after so many years invested. I don't know if this was his 1st love but he had no second thoughts on this. You deserve better. You always have and its time to start loving yourself and act like you do. Time awaits no one and you have already spent 12 years on him.....Move on and live your life to the fullest.