He Left the Relationship Tonight

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
He Left the Relationship Tonight
7
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 4:31am

Hi.

He left tonight. I believe he did his best to stay in the relationship, and that he is doing what is true for him (and, by extension, best for us) by leaving. I wanted to continue working on the relationship --and it is admittedly very hard work for us sometimes-- but he feels strongly that our relationship is not right for him where he is in his life right now. He told me he loves me, and the person I am, and I believe that, too. I certainly love him and who he is. But, I know the path now for me is to accept that and move on. I am seeking support in this in a variety of areas...friends, family, therapy, and here.

I'm in so much emotional pain, and I can't cry (I'm a big crier). I am very sick and when I cry more than the tiniest bit, I start coughing and choking. I am exhausted, as I have been sick for over a month, and it will likely continue for some weeks yet. The prospect of having another blow to my work (it is already difficult to get through the day due to this illness) is daunting. It is 4AM and I can't sleep for grief. I read that is normal, which is a slight comfort, but these coming weeks will be a true trial. I can't get out there and do the stuff I usually do because of my illness...distractions are limited. Sitting at home keeping quiet and still when I am not at work has been my life for a couple weeks now, as slight exertions like climbing stairs leave me out of breath.

I have a lot of understanding, love, and compassion for my boyfriend. I am hurt and disappointed that he left (and surprised). Unfortuantely, I am struggling tonight with negative and blaming thoughts toward myself, and as this is a pattern with me in the past, I already see that rearing its head as a big obstacle in me moving through the stages of grief. I know that now that there is no relationship work for me to do, and is where I most need to do work now, on myself and my compassion and love toward myself. I know in my head that no one is to blame for this situation...this is the way of things, but I am upset at myself for my flaws (which I work on voraciously...much therapy, many hard looks at myself and efforts to improve and change). I honestly can't work any harder or faster than I am doing. I am doing my best. I am unable to hold sight of that every moment, but I am able to hold onto it sometimes.

We parted quickly, as I told him "You seem pretty strong in this, so you had better leave before I try to convince you not to" and we agreed to put off talking about exchanging stuff and how to deal with mutual haunts (small town, small social circle, etc.). Since I'm not getting out much due to the illness and I trust him with my stuff, I don't think there is any rush for re-engaging in any contact to sort out these loose ends. In any case, I don't have to think about it tonight. We've at least got a few weeks before I hit the social scene. I didnt talk with him much about why he is leaving, but I know it had to do with a big emotional trigger between us, and the amount of work it was taking to slowly overcome a particular relationship challange. It was hard, hard work. I'm so sad he does not want to do that work with me anymore.

I know the only way out of the desert is through it. I'm taking my first steps, forced by pain though they be. This is so painful. I am counting off 20-30 min intervals at the moment to cope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 10:27am

Hey Claudia -

I'm so sorry you're going through this! Big HUGS to you!

I can't give much advice because I'm going through somewhat of the same thing.

I can relate that it's sad that you're willing to work on this relationship while your guy isn't. I love my guy so much that I think it's worth it to work on the relationship, but apparently I'm not so sure my guy thinks the same. It's been about 6 weeks since we broke up and about 11 days since I've seen and talked to him.

The day he broke up with me I was in shock and total denial. And maybe I'm still in denial cause I think he'll come back to me..

That feeling of the relationship being totally over is such a horrible thing for anyone to go through..!

You're head is on straight, you know that now you have to work on loving you. Kudos to you!

It's like we have all this love we want to give to our guy but they don't want it, so where does that go? I'm also starting to realize that that love should go right back to us.. and we should start loving ourselves and seeing our worth and being our best friend..

My best advice to you is take it day by day, even though it may feel like the days are getting worse, you'll definitely be better off a month from now.

Good luck and hugs to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Fri, 09-21-2007 - 12:49pm

Dear r2boston,

Thank you so much for the hugs and well-wishes. I am actually doing better every day, moving myself as quickly as possible into acceptance. It is day 3, and already I am feeling like a worthwhile, lovable human being again. And yes, I still love him. Yes, I am sad, I am disappointed, and I feel pain. But I am also beginning to see the wisdom and strength in what he has done, recognize areas of relief in myself at this ending, and take advantage of opportunities for growth. The hardest part for me is, truly, continuing loving myself through this, and changing from seeing his actions as "leaving me" to them being him "leaving the relationship".

I am going to come out of this like SuperWoman.

You sound like you are on a track to healing and release from this horrible suffering as well, moving your focus away from him and onto yourself. I have found that, as much as I /want/ to cling to the idea of him coming back to me, working toward that is counter-productive to healing, and feeling good about life again. That includes someday finding new love! (And the new love that could be with him, even! But...the old love is over, and needs to go completely before that or any other fulfilling love is a possibility).

I have never faced a break-up with this attitude before, and the speed at which I am healing is phenomenal. Its speed is like lightening. It is easier than much shorter and more volatile relationships I have had. My experience is proving acceptance, distance, compassion for all parties, and self-nurturing is be the eastiest path away from suffering, through grief, and to new happiness, whatever that may look like.

Here is a poem I found on-line that has also helped me so much (author disputed, lots of different versions....this is the one I like). Good luck, and enjoy.

After a While

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 09-21-2007 - 5:23pm

Welcome to the board claudia_178,


There is some good info in the Resource section:


Relationship Grieving Process

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Sat, 09-22-2007 - 7:59am

We tied up our loose ends over e-mail. 3 quick e-mails. I set boundaries regarding mutual haunts, and let him know I was gathering his belongings together and they would reach him safely in good time.

He agreed to try to respect my boundaries and then....and then he gave me the specific reason he left the relationship (he was very vague about us not having a future or something the night he left, and, honestly, his words were painful, as I knew that wasn't quite the truth). It has to do with the level of work our relationship takes.

So, I thanked him and indicated he wouldn't be hearing from me for a while. Two sentences. And we are through.

Our entire break-up consisted of a ten-minute talk and 3 e-mails. Boom. It amazes me that this is the ending after the wildest, deepest falling in love I've ever done, months of joy, of work, of determination... But then it has also been the softest, easiest ending. And, still, I swell with love. It is so strange.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Sat, 09-22-2007 - 10:05am

And now I'm having one of those "this sucks" moments.

Crap.

Time to get out of the house.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 09-22-2007 - 2:19pm
Lots of ups and downs are normal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Sat, 09-22-2007 - 7:05pm

Thanks.

I had another downer when I thought of all his little nieces and nephews that I have come to enjoy so much. Not that they are necessarily completely out of my life forever, but it won't be the same, even if I do see them here and there. Another loss to grieve.

I still feel strong, just sad sometimes.