He loves me, He loves me not?
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| Fri, 11-19-2004 - 3:17pm |
I met this great guy 10 months ago - it was an instant connection. We have so much in common, we are the same age, divorced the same amount of years, same childhood experiences, same everything.....you get the picture. Our relationship is much different then it was with our ex spouses who were both very abusive people and not very affectionate people. I have one child and he has three.
We met in Jan. and in Feb he was thrown into a bitter custody battle. I was by his side the entire time. In April on the same day that he won custody of the children I was diagnosed w/Breast Cancer. We decided to continue chatting through email and telephone but seeing each other would be impossible..since he needed to get the children adjusted to their new lives and I had to get myself through what I needed to in order to get healthy again. I saw him twice over the summer - once in the hospital after a major surgery to rid my body of the cancer (which it did) and the other was to go to a movie premiere with him and 2 of his children. We got back together in September and things have been good.
Now one important thing to note: we are very affectionate people. Very touchy/feely with each other. When we are in a room together we are always holding hands, or hugging, kissing or just generally brushing up against each other to let the other know we are there. Its an amazing connection. The sex is good and he tells me so everytime how wonderful it is to be with me. He tells me that the best part of his day is spending time with me and he is happiest when we are together. OK so you would think whats the problem?
Two weeks ago we decided it was time to bring our children together - so we had dinner at his house and with all our kids and it went great. Everyone got along really great and we chatted and laughed the entire time. In a split second I saw our future. After dinner we went into the kitchen to do the dishes and he and I were amazed at how well it went and he even joked about ditching the kids to go and make another baby.
The next week he had off from work and I didnt hear from him...middle of the week comes and I call to see if everything is ok and he said yes but hes been busy we would talk the next day. It wasnt until Friday when he confirmed with me the plans we had to have some alone time together on Saturday.
He came over Saturday to tell me that well he just isnt into me anymore....that there isnt any sexual chemistry between us.
Im a little shocked and overwhelmed by this comment because sitting where I am I dont get it.
I should also say in April we were painting the inside of my house and had to stop due to obvious reasons.
So when he left he said if you want me to come back and finish painting I will but thats your call and he hugged me and kissed me and left.
I emailed him to tell him that I dont agree with him but I think we can maintain a friendship that allow us to meet and talk with out committment strings attached.
Well he must have liked that because next week he is coming over to paint and his response was friendship can be fun. Good friends, getting drunk, painting and laughing!
OK someone out there explain this man to me because I have been hitting my head trying to figure him out and I cant.
My friends and mom feel he is just running scared.
HELP!

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. He sounds like he just isn't ready to have another serious relationship. If I were you I wouldn't accept a friendship. It sounds like you want and deserve so much more from this man. For whatever reason he's just not available to give it to you. I can't understand it either.
Look at it from the bright side, at least he let you know early enough. How would you feel hearing this after being with him two years?
My advice is to walk away and keep your dignity. I realize that sound simple-minded and it's easier said than done. But if you try to be friends you'll drive yourself crazy wondering why he doesn't want more ... or you'll set yourself up for a friends-with-benefits scenario which I'm sure isn't what you want.
"OK someone out there explain this man to me because I have been hitting my head trying to figure him out and I cant."
What's to figure out??
"He came over...to tell me that well HE JUST ISNT INTO ME anymore....that there isnt any sexual chemistry between us."
But,
"I emailed him to tell him that I dont agree with him but I think we can maintain a friendship that allow us to meet and talk with out committment strings attached.
Well he must have liked that.."
He, by his own admition, just isn't that into you, and HE didn't feel there was sexual chemistry there. You may have felt it, but HE did not. It doesn't matter how many spontanious have-to-have-you-now moments there were--he could have just been trying to force the chemistry to be there on his part.
Then you email him and tell him that you two can be friends with no "committment strings attached". That's great! Because he likes you as a person, as a friend, but not as anything more. So he, believing that you meant it, agrees and actually attempts to, because "his response was friendship can be fun. Good friends, getting drunk, painting and laughing!"
Which brings me back to being confused at what you need explained to you. Sounds like he was pretty clear to me.
Whether it's the whole truth, a partial truth, or an excuse, the reason he gave you for breaking up doesn't really matter. The bottom line is, he does not want to be in a committed romantic relationship with you.
Trying to be "friends" with him is a huge mistake for you. How are you going to feel when he tells you about the new woman he's dating? You're nowhere near ready to be friends...you're just hoping he's going to change his mind. Tell him you made a mistake about being friends, and that he should call you if and only if he decides he's ready to give 110% to trying again.
Sheri