Is He Moving On Already?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2008
Is He Moving On Already?
14
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 11:31am

So there are photos online of him at a party over the weekend, some entitled "Hot Ladies!" According to an acquaintance of mine, he is also going on an incredible vacation coming up very soon. I know I shouldn't know these things (the second of which really was brought to my attention inadvertently--I really didn't go out seeking it), but the fact is that I do, and he seems to be perfectly happy. I'm sure that all of you on this board have read this question thousands upon thousands of times, but how is it possible after spending five years with me and breaking up that he's fine after a month? I just can't believe it. He was one of the most sensitive, in-tune with real emotions men I've ever met, and I just can't believe that he's fine. Or I'm denying that he can.

Does he really get as much pleasure out of other women and vacations as he did in a long-standing relationship that was stable and loving? Come on. What kind of shallow person do you have to be?! ARGH. I find myself with this strong desire to get on a plane and take a long vacation myself. Alone. To somewhere exotic. But if I really examine my motives, I realize it's just to make him feel jealous and not for me at all.

I don't know what to do. I started this breakup really well, with noble ideas of "wanting him to be happy, even if that was without me," and now all of a sudden I find myself wishing that he were miserable.

Other than try to make sure that I can't find out anything else about his life, are there any suggestions for dealing with those feelings of anger and trying to make him jealous?





Wess' Website

uncommononsense
I can't go back to yesterday--because I was a different person then. --L. Carroll





Edited 3/13/2008 9:10 am ET by uncommononsense

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 12:29pm

It's most likely a front--he's doing what he thinks will make him feel better, and I'm sure on the surface he's having fun--but no, it's not likely that he's moved on.


Keep in mind, also, that if he broke up with you, he had a LOT more time to prepare himself than you did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 12:59pm

Who Handles Breakups Better? - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=22852.1


Thought Stopping Techniques - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=23269.1


Pinky posted this ages on the board and I saved it:


Think of your relationship like a big house that has been demolished. What do you do next? You can't live in the house any more! So you decide to clear up the mess (emotion), brick by brick, it takes a bit of time, but you liked living in that big house so you guess it's worth the effort. Then there's a big hole in the ground that needs to be filled up again. You start this process by making new friends who are happy to help you rebuild your new big house, so it's bigger and better than it was before.


Your ex has decided that he's going to build on top of all the rubble (denial), he/she can't be bothered to take time out to clear up all the mess. So off he/she goes, building on top of the old house. He/She acknowledges that the structure is a little wobbly but he/she says that it will do for him right now.


The storm hits. Guess whose house is still standing?


Your house is built on a solid foundation. His/Her house is a big fake "paper house", yours a big strong stone structure. Now tell me who's going to have the better future? It's up to you to decide.





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2008
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 1:33pm

Oh, Carrie--thanks so much. That response was just what I needed to hear. Here's to picking up each brick. Thanks.





Wess' Website

uncommononsense
I can't go back to yesterday--because I was a different person then. --L. Carroll






Edited 3/13/2008 7:12 pm ET by uncommononsense
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2007
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 5:35pm

That's great!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 5:46pm

Glad it helped you too.


::When he calls he says to me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2008
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 10:22pm

I went through with the blocks today. I placed blocks on my browser of all the websites on which he has accounts and removed him from buddy lists and other online haunts. Let me just say, it's killing me. I'm sure others have found this difficult also, but it's definitely worse when you and your ex are both web professionals and lived out great a great majority of your love lives online. Tomorrow is going to suck.





Wess' Website

uncommononsense
I can't go back to yesterday--because I was a different person then. --L. Carroll





Edited 3/13/2008 9:08 am ET by uncommononsense
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-11-2008 - 11:24pm

Yes, I'm sure it will in some respects but I've also found blocking an ex to be extremely *freeing* because you're not thinking in the back of your mind whether he's going to contact you or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 2:30pm

You're right, we do get this question a lot on the board, and the answer is usually, who says they're all better just because they're going out?


When my ex and I broke up, I went out like there was no tomorrow.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2008
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 4:28pm

Uncommononsense-

I am so sorry to hear that you were going through all of this! Isn't it amazing where time pulls us? I had a difficult day yesterday too. It actually turned out to be really good for me but was so hard at the time. My closest friend came over and spent the whole day with me. We worked out, went to eat, shopped a little, went on a hike and (the BIG thing) I put all the momentos of my relationship into boxes or donated them. The boxes are now out of my house. It was so bad and I was sobbing most of the time but after it was done it was kind of like fresh air. I didn't realize things like a jewelry box were still having its effect on me. It is gone and I do feel better. And today (tonight?) I am going to go onto my facebook and write a letter to all his friends and family. I just can't see their profiles and the chance that I would see him on there. I'm not going to do it to myself. I have also made "playdates" with my friends on days that I know it is going to be rough for me.

I was asking my friend why it had taken me so long to get rid of all this stuff. (7 weeks) And though she really doesn't know what I am going through, the answer we came up with was, you do it when you can do it.

I am still smarting from everything that happened with my ex. I am realizing more and more that he truly is an ex now. I don't know if we will ever talk on similar terms again. But he is the one who has made it very clear that HE changed. Not me. Another friend spoke to me about that--I was consistent and I still am that loveable, goofy, warm woman but his recent experiences have shook him up. I can't do anything to unshake him. It stinks to think that he wasn't strong enough to weather what we went through but the fact of the matter is I AM/WAS and HE IS/WAS NOT. I still can't hear some songs but I will make memories with new ones and I will be able to love again. It more than likely will not be with him but that is okay.

I don't know if any of this helped. I am actually recovering from the drinks I had last night and I haven't written in a while (in my journal or anything). I am free tonight so if you want to "chat", let me know.

Wishing you a good day,
Sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2008
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 9:28pm

Take it from me when I say, your better off doing everything in your power to not look at what he is up to.

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