He needs space...but its killing me

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
He needs space...but its killing me
5
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 11:06am

Hello Everyone,

I'm new here but I'm desperate for some words of advice appropriate to my situation. My boyfriend of 8 months just broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We had been growing distant and I could tell something was wrong between us. He wasn't as responsive to me, he wasn't as excited about our relationship anymore, and it honestly seemed like a chore for him. We lived together by default (its how we met...in a dorm) and part of the problem (or so he says) is that we spent every minute that we weren't in class or at work together. He got burnt out. I told him it seemed to me like he didn't love me as much as I loved him, and he agreed that may be part of the problem.

After we broke up I called him the next day to ask if I could see him (I was beyond depressed) and he said he left to go home for the day and get away. I found out later he went to hang out with friends he knows I disapprove of. He said things like he needed space, he didn't want a girlfriend, blah blah blah. The next day he was texting me becuase his parents wanted to see me, and supposedly he missed me too. The next day I went to see him and we talked like friends, catching up and laughing and being nice to each other and he assured me that we would get back together after the summer if I would take him back. We ended up cuddling and even kissing a little bit (a mistake I know). He told me to just wait it out and when I left he kissed me and told me it would be ok and we could still talk on the phone a couple times a week and he just wanted space.

Well, that made me ok for a few days until I found myself not being able to talk to him on the phone without asking him why why why. I wanted to know what he was thinking, if he still loved me, if he missed me, if he was thinking about me and getting back together. All he keeps saying is I don't know, which worries me becuase that is much different then the boy who said three weeks ago that he was expecting me to take him back in September. He said a week or two without talking would help him clear his mind. I called him back and told him No, don't call me anymore ever again, you are ruining my life. And then a half hour later I called him back and said that he could call me in a week or two, and that I still love him and miss him a lot. He never says those things back to me.

So we left it that he would call me in a week or two. A week went by as of yesterday and he didn't call. Normally he waits the minimum time agreed upon to call me because he has said he misses me and wants to keep in contact. This time...no contact. Is he over me? What is going on in his head? He sends me mixed messages and I don't know if I should be angry or sad or what to do. I know I'm not going to call him...I'll wait til hes ready to call me no matter how hard that is. I'm just lost in what he might be thinking about this situation. Any guidance on this would be appreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 11:53am
I hope you can handle this. It is not my intention to be cruel or hurt your feelings, but you look desperate to him. He knows it, and I'm not saying he's playing you, but the ball is in his court, and he's doing whatever he wants, and knows you'll be there waiting for him, which you are. Don't do that!!! It looks weak and pathetic, and you need to be strong and beautiful, like the woman you are. I know you love him, and when you love someone so much, it's hard to be rationale and think clearly. When the day comes, you will look back on how you acted with him, and wait to you hear what your going to be saying too yourself ("what was I thinking"). You need to try and move on, and don't wait for him. I know it will be hard, but a meant/good to be relationship shouldn't require a lot of energy. He said he needed a break, and you need to listen to that. Give him, his space, and see what happens. Don't call him, and bother him with messages and texts. It would only push him away. Take that from me, I learned the hard way. In the meantime, you need to stay busy and just go out and try to have fun, to take your mind off him. It's hard, I know, but the more you think about what's he doing or thinking, will drive you crazy, and you will call and almost beg him to talk to you. You don't want to look desperate, it is a turn off to men. If he wants to get back with you, he will let you know, but don't sit around and wait for him to give you the green light, that your couple again. Stay in touch...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 5:28pm

Welcome to the board justgo2007,


Have you read this yet:


When he asks for space (aka, "a break")

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 8:56pm

Thank you for your replies, dev and Carrie.

I know I already messed up by calling him/trying to force him to explain himself. But I also know that I will not contact him until hes ready to talk to me about whatever he wants. I'm going to let him call first, like he wants. My only problem is...Does the way I acted right after our breakup mean that I pushed him so far away that he doesn't miss me anymore? Its only been a few weeks. In my mind, he should miss me and be going through horrible emotions everyday like I am.

Maybe I just need some help understanding how guys can go through something like this and not feel the urgent need to call every hour on the hour like I do. Why are they so different from women?

I also don't want him to think that I can just be put on "hold" for him until he comes back at the end of summer and is ready for a girlfriend again. But I know that if he came back and said he wants to be with me I would take him back, even though that is not the strong, independent womanly thing to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 3:03pm

First of all, I'm very sorry about how badly your heart is hurting right now.


Secondly, I agree with what dev and Carrie have told you, you're acting desperate and that is oh-so unattractive.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 4:02pm
Thanks Sandra, those threads helped a lot. I haven't spoken to him since the 13th, which was a rough day, but our previous communication before that had just been friendly, with a lot of mixed signals coming from him. I'm just waiting for him to call me, if and when hes ready. I know calling him now would be a disaster. Anytime I want to call him I come on this site. I also have a whole page in my computer dedicated to him...basically just things I want to say to him but never will because I know it would only aggravate the situation. It helps to write it all out. I'm wishing the days would go by even faster so I can move on or get a call from him with some closure. Maybe in the next few days it will happen.