He put out a dating add

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
He put out a dating add
1
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 9:19pm
Hi everyone. I have been writing to you about my boyfriend for a while. Just recently I found on his computer that he had put out an internet add that read," handsome althetic male seeking asian women to serve. Does not matter if you are too heavy or skinny,too old or young or too ugly for that matter. To me you are precious" I confronted him and he said that he just did it as a joke because he was online to put out an add for waitresses for a party he is throwing and he just figured he'd do that to get a response. He says it was a bit exciting and interesting but that he never meant to do anything and just wanted to see what type of people would respond. He says he loves me and that he wants to be with me only and so far he has been loyal but I don't know what to think. He says he will make it up to me and that it was a good thing that it happened because now he will be a better boyfriend. He says that it's a good thing because it was a slap on the wrist for him to not do stupid things like that even though it is harmless. I was so upset at him I walked out but then came back because I could not leave him. I got upset again and tried to leave but I just couldn't do it I just wanted to talk and for the past day or so I have talked to him nonstop about all the theories I have about his behavior. I thought it was such a silly add it could not mean anything but in my gut I know something is wrong. I asked him if he wants an open relationship and he said no, that he could never see me with anyone else and that he doesn't want to see anyone. Wouldn't he be up for an open relationship if he was into seeing other girls? He told me if he dated someone else it would be the end of us because I would get upset ( which is true) but right now I am feeling so rejected and hurt I keep on saying mean irrational things to him and then crying thinking he does not love me and I can't leave him, I love him too much. Please write back with your opinions and your words of wisdom because I can't see straight. If I want to win him back how do I do that? How do I make him love me and only want me and never do anything stupid like this ever again? Should I cut him off to see how much he loves me? Be strong so he knows I am not a pushover ( though I keep coming back to him everytime I threaten to leave so he must think I am one )? What to do? thanks for your help past and present.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 11:06pm
oh honey.. it kills me to hear you say "How do I make him love me and only want me and never do anything stupid like this ever again?"

if you try to make people do certain things, it's like butting your head against a brick wall. the only person you can control is you.. so you just have to accept how other people are.if he does change, it will be on his own accord, not because of anything you caused. i wasted many years trying to make people love me. i know it sounds cliche, and it's easier said than done, but if you're with a man that can't meet your emotional needs you need to remove yourself from the situation, because the only person you can truly count on is you. never overestimate a man. if they think you want to hear something, they may say it without sincerity, either to get sex, or keep getting sex. try to look at it as though you were a third party looking in on the situation. imagine that you and him are just two people that you know. what would you do and how would you feel then? i want the best for you. just remember to relax, and follow your instincts. they will lead you to the right decisions for you.