He wants to be a Hermit! Please Help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
He wants to be a Hermit! Please Help!!
3
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 7:42pm
I am so sad and confused right now. My best friend and boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me out of no where because he wants to be alone and never wants to be in a relationship and claims he is a hermit. He is 40, never married, hasn't dated much. We are soul mates though. We talk, act, look, and think alike (except for now). To make it worse he wants to be friends, still do things with me and still talk all the time. I told him no because it is to painful.

Can someone really want to be alone forever??? Nothing was wrong in this relationship. He had his space, we had fun. Never any arguments, just calm discussions. Just 2 weeks ago I asked him if he wanted to break up because he was being so distant. He said no way and that he loved me. His friends all say he is scared because he got so close and that he'll come back. Thoughts? I am a wreck. It's only been 3 days since the break up.

thanks so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 7:48pm
Sonja,

I can't relate to exactly what you are going through, but I recently separated from my husband of 20 years. Part of the reason we have split is because his scope of interest became narrower and narrower. Although he never claimed to want to be a hermit, that's about what he became in the sense that he is only interested in golf, Nascar and beer. He doesn't care about returning calls to friends, going out or much anything else.

Maybe your BFs friends are right - maybe he just got scared and is afraid of committment. It has only been 3 days, so perhaps he'll realize he has a woman who loves him and get over the committment phobia. Your message says he said he wants to break up, but when you asked him about it, he said he doesn't, so he is obviously confused as well.

My husband and I are (were) best friends as well and always had a good time together. And, like you, never had arguements and everything was always low-key. I can tell you that although that's a great way to maintain a friendship, it's a lousy way to maintain a serious, long term relationship. If the sense of committment to each other wanes it's important to get it back if, you are interested for the long term. Because to be more than best friends, you have to be totally committed to one another.

I'd give it more time since it's only been a few days. Good luck and take care.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 11:20pm
Thanks Donna, I am sorry you are going through this after 20 years. I divorced my husband after 7 years some time ago and it was complicated. But I knew it was over and I ended it because he did nothing but do ancestory research and watch old Star Trek and foot ball. My life has definately improved.

I've never felt pain like I felt for this guy though. I thought we were soul mates, we even dressed a like. I don't understand it and it kills me. I have given up hope that he'll come back even though people tell me not to rule it out. I just get my hopes up everytime I get an email or phone call that it is him. I told him I wouldn't be his friend, so he is respecting my space. But I am so jealous of people when they get to talk to him. I am glad that we are not married dealing with his hermit ways and commitement problems though.

good luck to you. I am sure it will be scary but mostly a huge sense of relief to have your own place and life!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 11:38pm
Hi Sonja -

The first thing I thought when I saw 'hermit' was 'agorophobic'. Could that be the problem? Have you traveled during your relationship? Did you get out much? Perhaps he's feeling he's holding you back because of his phobia. If that's the case, and he's truly your soulmate, maybe this is something you could work out together.