He wants to get back together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
He wants to get back together.
12
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 10:50am
I did really well this weekend w/o him. I had a lot of alone time to think. Then, I get a call yesterday from him wanting to see our daughter. Code for "we need to talk about us face to face." Well, of course he waits till she's already in bed to make an appearance. We talked and talked and talked. Mostly about the good things and how we cherish those stil. But, we talked about the bad things to. His "problem" and how I can't help him w/that. There's only so much I can do. He promised to talk to me when he got the urge. That this week has been a reality check for him. How that isn't the person he wants to be anymore. But, I've heard this before and everything he's promising he's promised before. I hate being alone. No one likes being lonely. But, I'm just not sure what I'm willing to take to have someone standing beside me....sometimes. I just don't know. Part of me wants to give him another chance b/c I do love him and there are a lot of good things in this relationship. Then a part of me is saying HEY!!! What are you thinking?!?!!! Why am I thinking of jumping back into this? Have any of you been through this? Does it get better when you keep taking them back? Do they finally offer something you want? I should run shouldn't I? I'm so confused....Help me please. He's coming back over tonight and I really need to make up my mind. Thanks.

Melissa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 3:43pm
Mel- I dont know the reasons you both decided to call it quits- knowing would be easier for me to help you however, some advice. Listen to your 3rd eye and gut feeling. You sound scared about bouncing back into this one and something is unsettling with me on this one. If he makes promases to change- he wont. People dont change, especially when they make promases. Fact: you never start a relationship intending to change them, they wont. If its the kind of change that is a co-dependance or infedelity problem, than support is needed for the co-dependance as for infidelity, a relationship lacking trust is no relationship and a big no no to get back into unless the both of you are gun-ho to try and resolve and get past. Listen to your heart not your loneliness, with Cody- whats best for him? Stability? For all he knows, his mother is perfect, happy, independant, and needs nobody else in her life but him. Dont let him down over the decisions you make. Loneliness is a state of mind and its temperary. Note: you should never make a decision like this one over night- tell him you need time to see him in action, and see him make the necesary actions to change then you will make your decision. This will help you and be more benifical to you in the long run. Hope I helped- good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 5:09pm
stabu...thanks for the advice. To answer your question he has a drug problem. I defiantly agree about the more time thing and that's exactly what I'll do. And I'll mention help for him. Ahhh....Breaking up is hard to do!! Wait, I've heard that somewhere. lol... Sorry I needed to laugh even if it was at myself. Thanks again!!

Melissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 5:36pm
I don't think you need to "make up your mind" tonight. Haste is the biggest mistake in relationships, I think. You don't have to decide anything right away, and the decisions you make under a time pressure are usually the wrong ones. Realistically, you cannot expose you or your child to him and his poor decisions based only on his word - you need to see if he's changed, not hear promises. So, wait to see, and really give it some time. People get impatient to have their romantic lives settled, to be either together or apart, but if you're willing to take it very slowly and see if he has changed, you'll feel a lot better about your decision. You don't have enough information yet to decide to take him back, that's a perfectly reasonable response. If he's impatient, he's not willing to do the necessary work to prove he deserves you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 11:32pm
Oh wow, your message has given me a total deja-vu. I know exactly where you are coming from, well to a certain extent. I don't know what happened with you and your boyfriend that made you break up, but i'm sure it is a long complicated story that wouldn't even fit onto one of these message boards. It is scary to be in a relationship like the one that you are in. I know it is soooo hard to see clearly. Because you want to make the right decision and feelings get in the way. In your heart though you know the decision that you have to make, you are only having a difficult time with it because it may not be the easiest decision. And don't you think that if you really wanted to be with this guy and that if it was really worth it that you wouldn't even have to question it? The fact that you have to question what to do should show you that you are not ready. You're right, nobody likes to be lonely; but i'd definitely rather be by myself then with a man who makes me unhappy. Now I have no experience when it comes to having a child in the picture also, but don't you want to set a good example for your daughter? Don't you want to show her the right and wrong ways a man should treat a woman? And do your really want to be with a man who could care less if he sees his own daughter or not? You don't have to be in a relationship, and you and your daughter would probably be in a healthier situation if you finally put an end to this see-saw relationship. I think you already know the decision that you have to make, so just get that courage from within and do it. I know you must be so tired of hearing these broken promises over and over again. He is not going to change. No matter how much you want him to. Let him be somebody else's problem. Don't let him be yours anymore. No matter how upset he gets or how bad you feel for him, don't give in because that is exactly what he wants you to do because he knows you have done it before. My boyfriend and I have been having this off and on relationship for 3 years now and i am finally putting a stop to it. I can no longer put myself or him through this. Just remember that you aren't alone and that others are going through this too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 12:14am
Hey mel- Sorry- I re read your column and saw that you had a daughter not a son- I was here at work when I posted my response, and I read it so fast that I thought you said cody was the name of your child- but I saw the word code- yikes- sorry. How did it go? Did you see him tonight? Yea, this one is one you definatly have to be careful with- drug problems are hard to kick unless he gets help for it. He wont be able to do it on his own- he needs help. Your support is needed, however, wait until he's kicked it before concidering the leap. If he loves you and your daughter, he'll do whats neccisary. And if he fails, know it wasnt you it was the drug- sometimes the drug have a larger grip on them-( loose grip with whats really important) I hope things work out for the best- it always does! You have your daughter right now- and she loves you- be strong. stacy p.s. im pulling and pray'n for ya!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 10:13am
That's okay Stacy. We all make mistakes. If we didn't this board wouldn't be here, right? To answer your question he did come over. I went against everyones advice and told him I wanted to try to make it work. But, today I'm doubting my decision and really think I made the wrong one. I got a call this morning from my aunt, whom he was doing tile work for this past weekend. Her weed eater is missing and her neighbor saw him leave w/it. When I asked him about it he told me he knew nothing. He didn't make a big deal about it...just said he didn't take anything when he left her house. I think it's a sign from up above. That I didn't make the right decision. But, to see my kids last night...they were sooo happy. Especially our daughter Kinley. I have two other children from my marriage that adore him. It was weird b/c last night we were sitting on the front porch and he kept telling me things he wanted to do w/my place. He kept going on and on about it and the whole time I was thinking to myself yea that sounds nice. Then I immediatly start thinking of ways to do it ALONE. Which is so weird b/c I used to rely on him for things like that. So here I go...going back on my word. I told him we could work it out and now I think I've changed my mind. THINK!! It wouldn't be wrong for me to ask for a little more time, right? Besides, I've given him a lot of chances w/o time and nothing good has came of it. Well, thanks for all the advice. I know I'll be back b/c this is a process it seems I can't get started in the right direction. Something keeps happening to take me right back to square one. Thanks everyone!!

Melissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 7:57pm
Hi there,

Boy, do I really relate to where you're coming from! You know that saying, "It ain't over till it's over"? I think that sometimes, even if at the bottom of our hearts we know we're letting go of something, we just have to go through the PROCESS until it has reached its end. There's a reason we need to take as much time as we need -- because throughout the entire process we are learning lessons we need to learn.

It sounds to me like your gut feeling is telling you, "I don't trust this person. I don't know if I ever CAN trust him." It also sounds like you probably have a lot of energy that is going to managing this relationship that you might like to apply elsewhere -- such as to fixing up your house (alone).

One thing I know from my recent breakup experience (after going back and forth several times as you are) is that when I was REALLY ready to let go, it felt more like RELIEF than like grief. Sure, grief was still there, but the feeling of relief outweighed it. Prior to that, when I wasn't quite ready to let go, the grief outweighed the thought of relief.

Best of wishes,

toriphile

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 12:35am
(((Melissa))) I know this is hard sweetie. I've been there believe it or not....or at least I've been very close to where you are. I was with an alcoholic for several years....and he to was addicted like your ex is to drugs. I also had my daughter by him, which only complicated things. It didn't help that being with him really lowered my self-esteem....I was embarassed that he was boyfriend. I couldn't even tell you how many times I ended things and took him back. . He gave me so many promises. He'd do better for awhile but then he'd go back to his old ways....and even get worse. When we were apart he'd use our daughter as leverage to get me to let him come over..so he can see her. When he was there he'd never pay her attenion and only tried to get back with me....he'd even use the "We need to get back together for her" routine. It took a long time, alot of heartache and tears....but I finally realized that he was never going to change and he was only getting worse. Now I've been seperated from him for over 3 years and I feel great. I know it's tough...but I think you should stick to your guns....if he's serious about quiting his addiction....he'll check into an extensive drug rehab, complete it and even possibly find a support group to continie his rehabilitaion when he's completed the rehab. Good luck and keep us posted.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 1:36am
Sounds like we've all been with the same guy. Luckily for me, he had a vasectomy before we met. Not to sound pessimistic, but junkies ALWAYS break their promises. I know it's a cliche, but actions speak louder than words.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 12:45pm
Hi Melissa,

I don't know if anyone has suggested this to you, but have you considered AlAnon? If your partner is an addict, then it may be a great place to start to try to lessen your confusion. There is a board called Co-Dependents and Love Addicts on the relationship board. It wouldn't hurt to pop over there and post your story. There are some wonderful women on the board with a wealth of information and guidance. There is no judgement -- just understanding and sometimes tough advice -- which believe me isn't a bad thing.

take care,

Lois

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