He wants to talk already
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| Mon, 11-05-2007 - 5:43pm |
So I posted here earlier this morning under "fresh breakup" and already there's new stuff going on. A quick backstory. We were together for 2 years, the last 3 months of which long distance as we went to different grad schools. It wasn't so bad at first considering we went from living together to seeing each other once a month. The last few weeks have been pretty rough as we're both stressed with school and I've had my own physical injuries, drama to deal with. Add another student at his school who is publicly and aggressively in love with him and pursuing him despite knowledge about our relationship. All of these things led us to fight way too much and start to resent each other over silly things and ever growing insecurities.
This past weekend I went to visit him and two giant fights later we're broken up but despite the fights we were both extremely sad and open about how much we love each other and want to be together but don't know how to make it work. I'm glad we don't hate each other because if we had gone on much longer it would have been a very different break up and we'd never talk again. Still it was really hard knowing we were ending something that was really good at its base but had been stressed and chipped at by distance and lack of communication.
So today I found out I had strep throat and was told to tell anybody who I'd been in close contact with just so they'd know to go to the doctor if they had a sore throat. Well I'd definitely been in close contact with him so I called him when I knew he was in class so we wouldn't have to speak (even though I desperately wanted to talk to him) and left a short message saying what was going on. Less than an hour later he called me saying he'd been wanting to call me since I left because he didn't know what he wanted but he knew he wanted me in his life and could we talk and be friends and be normal without being romantically involved. Suffice it to say I was confused and emotional. Luckily I was on campus and told him I couldn't talk which gave me time to think about it.
I don't really know what to do. We didn't have a messy break up, there are no hard feelings, just sad ones because what was a really good thing for the both of us is coming to an end. Is he regretting his decision or does he just miss me and not know how to deal with a break up? I know what I want...for us to be together. But I want it to be when we both know we can seriously handle the distance and all that entails and I know I need to get a few things right with me before I can do that and it'll definitely take longer than a few days to do. I also know that I won't be able to do that if I talk to him like things are normal, hoping desperately that he wants to get back together. In that situation I'll be focusing on being perfect for him so he'll get back together instead of focusing on being perfect for me which is what I think I need to do.
I guess I answered my own questions. It's just hard because I really really really love him and want to be with him and have him in my life like I did before things got hard, but I need to be selfish for a while and focus on me. Also, if he has no intentions of getting back together talking to him will make it impossible for me to get over him and move on with life. Sigh. Sorry for so much ranting and venting but there's so much going on in my head it helps to get it out and it helps even more to know people are reading it and understanding what I'm going through.

Hi samari2,
Here's your previous post for others: Fresh breakup