He wants "time alone"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
He wants "time alone"...
3
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 8:31am

Iv never done anything like this before but right now i feel i have to. I really need opinions/help/advice/anything on a problem that i have right now. Please help! Im 20 years old and have been with my bf (now ex) for over 2 years (he's 21). We were soul mates, everyone around us said we were compatible and meant to be. Its important to note he's in the RAF and so his weekdays are committed to this. We only saw eachother on weekends so he didn't have much time to see friends. He recently turned 21 and started viewing life ina different way, he said he wanted to make the most of everyday and go out and do things that he's never done before so he doesn't look back on his life and regret things. A few weeks ago he came over and things weren't right, he seemed distant and i asked whether he was ok. He said that he felt really confused (he stressed how confused he was!) and at this time in his life he wanted to be by himself. Rather annoyingly, he said he loved me and he couldn't imagine himself being with anyone else. He also said that he wanted to stay friends! Im so confused because in my heart i feel as though he's going to come back in the near future and i cant seem to move on. I love him so much (how typical) and we have something so special. Iv been really strong about it though, i told him that i loved him and i'd always love him and haven't spoken since. I said i couldn't be his friend as he's always been more than that to me. He's been asking my mates about me, and saying he doesn't want me to find some1 else. Im giving him space which is the best thing. Id like to think this break as a test for our love, if he loves me he'll come back and we'll be stronger for it.

I'd really like people's opinions on this because i dont know what to think. I just want him back in my arms :(

Thank you so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Sun, 03-19-2006 - 10:41am

I'm sorry about your breakup... it sounds like it came a little out of the blue, which is always really tough. Honestly though, I think you are on the right track. Staying away from him while he sorts things out (or whatever), is the best thing you can do for yourself. Right now you have been given an opportunity. No matter how great a relationship is, 21 is young to settle down for most people, and maybe that is what your ex was feeling. I know, personally, I had the opportunity to be engaged when I was 20, but I couldn't go through with it even though at the time I really loved the guy.

I know it is hard, but take this time away to really get to know yourself. You need to be your own best friend. Look out for your needs first and foremost and everything else will fall into place. I know it is easier said than done, but try not contacting him for awhile. You can always tell him that you know what your feelings are toward him, but you need him to not contact you until he has sorted his feelings out and knows for sure that he wants to be with you. That way he knows to contact you when he has made a decision, but you can work on getting past things on your own.

Anyway, that's just my two cents. I know things will work out, so hang in there, and post whenever you want!

-Nikki
co-cl of Breaking Up is Hard to Do!
Visit the Breaking Up is Hard to Do web page!

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Sun, 03-19-2006 - 10:53am

Hey :) Thank you so much for your response. Your right, iv been given an oppurtunity to get to know myself and i cant sit around and wait for him. Deep down im hoping that he comes back and says everything is ok... but im trying not to hold onto that. I need to live my life for me. Im quite a strong person but i feel like im walking a tight rope. i feel like im about to fall at anytime. Despite that, its important to stay positive.

You've really helped, thank you :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Sun, 03-19-2006 - 12:42pm

Hello again,

I'm happy to help! I really know how hard this is, since I'm in a bit of relationship limbo myself. I really would love it if my ex would do what I need from him to make our relationship work, but he chooses not to do those things. I know the only person I can control is myself and trying to control him is a waste of my time and energy. At least for me, I think the best thing I can do is tell my ex what I need to make the relationship work and then move on. In my case, I need my ex to buy a car so he can see me more easily. He would come to my house using public transportation, but it took almost 5 hours to do so, so he wasn't able to see me very often and I was driving to see him a few times a week. It just got to be too much, but he knows that if he gets that car, my door my still be open to him. Of course I'm not waiting around, and I don't think anyone should do that.

I know how you feel though, I feel like I'm walking a tightrope as well... I could so easily fall off and crash. Right now I'm working very hard to keep everything together, but I know that eventually everything is going to work out. Hang in there!

-Nikki
co-cl of Breaking Up is Hard to Do!
Visit the Breaking Up is Hard to Do web page!

Nikki