He was scum, but I still care?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
He was scum, but I still care?
10
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 4:36pm

My ex and I dated for over two years. We had our share of problems, and I had broken up with him twice over the course of our relationship (once at 3 months for a period of 3 months, and once at two years for a period of three weeks). This last time when we got back together, he never let it go and got over his anger at me. I tried my hardest during the 5 months after we got back back together to show him how much I cared, yet he managed to treat me terribly. I was hurt, drained, and mad at him all the time.

When we finally broke up, it was initiated by him, but the break up was definitely mutual. I was tired of the way he treated me. I felt completely disrespected and unappreciated. He was a selfish jerk. However, we have ALL the same friends, so we had to keep things civil, and we are able to be around each other. I never bad mouth him around other people. I've really only told the girls in our group my side of the story.

Anyways, Friday night was 7 days after the break up of our 2+ year relationship. It was a friend's birthday celebration so we went out to a bar to celebrate. Of course he was there too, but I just focused on talking to my friends and I never talked to him. I had already talked to him earlier that day to exchange some items etc. Well, after a few hours he decided to call up his new girl/buddy/make-out-partner to meet him there. I felt so incredibly hurt! Other people were taken back by his behavior, but since he's a guy, he'll likely just walk out of this situation reputation unscathed. He and his friend left the bar together.

I don't long to be back with him, I just want at least SOME form of respect (why expect it now though huh?) for the fact that we were together for 2 years! Seriously, if he wanted to see this girl, he could have gone somewhere else. We live in a very large city, and we were actually on a strip of bars... he could have gone next door and I never would have been so hurt by this. I am just interested to hear a translation of this from somewhere else. I'm just so mad that I actually CARE about this guy who was 1. obviously wrong for me, 2. didn't treat me with the respect I deserve, 3. seems to be behaving maliciously!

Any advice on what will get his goat the most? I just tried to not look in his direction, and become completely absorbed in discussions with my friends. How do I let this go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 6:02pm

Welcome to the board faaabulous,


I think you said it all:


I just want at least SOME form of respect (why expect it now though huh?)


How to let it go.... journal write, vent on paper (or here at the boards like you did), write him an UNSENT letter and then burn it.


He might have honestly thought there was nothing wrong with presenting himself as 'moved on' and maybe just 'unthinking'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 7:50pm
I know this is easier said than done, but I feel like you should just try and move on. I feel that when a guy is mean to his girl/ex-girl for no reason, they usually regret it. So keep your head up high, try and get involved in other activities and start to take care of yourself. Just focus on YOU. In time you will meet someone who will treat you better. Or would you rather contact him and tell him how he made you feel? Maybe you two can work things out?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 9:58am

"Maybe you two can work things out?" Ack no!

No, I like your advice about just letting it go and moving on with life. I've known from the start that he was not the right one for me. I guess it's just hard to release my pent up anger at him. He is now trying to buy some big boat (it's a real piece of garbage), but the thing that gets me the most is that over the past 5 months, he has constantly complained about being broke because he bought a house... as a result, I almost made myself go broke paying for half the stuff we do!! I know he wants the boat just because he thinks people will want to be his friend if he has it. So shallow. So pathetic. It's just the fact that I actually KNOW these things about him even though we've broken up.

New mantra: "Let it be." Thank you Paul McCartney.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 10:01am
how do you just left go on move on with your life? ive been trying, and cant seem to figure it out :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 10:03am
It's hard not to take it personal. His immediate quest for a replacement after over 2 years of being in a relationship feels insulting. He makes it well known that he is "excited" and "fired up" about being single and getting with the ladies. Ugh. What a loser.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 10:09am
I've been through a bad breakup before (this one is just annoying). The thing that helped me the most was focusing on myself. I worked out like an Olympic athlete. Never been in such great shape in all my life. The benefits? People everywhere take notice when you walk into a room, thus giving your confidence the major boost that you need to help you let go of Mr. Wrong in no time. I worked my frustrations out. When I thought about all the benefits I was getting from working out, it kept me at it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 10:23am
i really should start working out. i cant make myself DO anything. i just dont want to, maybe because i have no energy. all the crying and lack of sleeping. who knows. honestly, ill tell you the truth, as terrible as this sounds, and yes i know you will think ive lost my mind...if i cant have this guy, that i love so much, whats the point of even trying to look good? or working out? i dont want anyone else, i dont want to meet anyone else.....i just want him. and i cant have him anymore :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 10:40am

You need to talk to someone. Friends, family, or professionals. It helps to get it out of your system.

The reason why I actually STARTED working out was some idea that if I looked SO good that it might just get him to come back to me. It actually turned out to be the best thing in the world for me. Working out gets the endorphins flowing. You're able to start thinking about things rationally rather than wallowing in misery. Approaching your thinking from a viewpoint of "what can I change about myself" rather than "what could I have done differently". All of that is in the past, and you only have the future to live for. Maybe he'll come back, maybe he won't. One thing is for sure though: he DEFINITELY won't come back to a miserable person. Someone who depends on him solely for happiness. If he sees that you are an independent, confident, happy person, yeah, he might actually consider it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 11:25am

This might make you feel a little better:


(posted ages ago by Pinky)


Think of your relationship like a big house that has been demolished. What do you do next? You can't live in the house any more! So you decide to clear up the mess (emotion), brick by brick, it takes a bit of time, but you liked living in that big house so you guess it's worth the effort. Then there's a big hole in the ground that needs to be filled up again. You start this process by making new friends who are happy to help you rebuild your new big house, so it's bigger and better than it was before.


Your ex has decided that he's going to build on top of all the rubble (denial), he/she can't be bothered to take time out to clear up all the mess. So off he/she goes, building on top of the old house. He/She acknowledges that the structure is a little wobbly but he/she says that it will do for him right now.


The storm hits. Guess whose house is still standing?


Your house is built on a solid foundation. His/Her house is a big fake "paper house", yours a big strong stone structure. Now tell me who's going to have the better future? It's up to you to decide.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 12:21pm
I like the analogy. I'm hoping to "clean up the mess". Right now obviously it's fresh, and I'm angry, but I know the reasons why our relationship didn't work. We held on for those last few months because we didn't want to let go of the comfort zone. We both had so much to do with why our relationship didn't work. I've learned a lot about what I want from my next relationship. I'm not willing to settle, and I'm not interested in filling the void with the next available person who comes along. Who knows what the future holds, and I just hope that I can hold on to this inner drive for strength and independence until someone right comes along.