He won't apologize, so...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
He won't apologize, so...
5
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 1:28pm

I want to get revenge! I want to hurt him the same way he hurt me, and that is by messing with the thing that is most important to him. I am the sweetest person, but I am not to be crossed. I will try to make my story short, and maybe I can get some advice to help change my mind.

It all started October 16, 2005 when I met this wonderful kid less 41 year old man on Match.com. We sent emails back and forth that day, and then we started IMing for the next couple of days after that. Then he convinced me to let him call me, and I said okay whatever because we lived 200 miles apart. He called me at 10pm one night, and we didn't end our phone conversation until 6am. I really fell for him, and he begged me to travel to meet him. I rented a car the next day and drove the 200 miles to see him.

When we met, I realized that the pictures that he sent me did more justice, and he was at least 2 1/2 inches shorter than his profile stated. Not to toot my own horn, but I am not ugly in the least bit, and if it weren't for the stretchmarks from having two kids, I would be an 8 or 9 (sometimes a 10 in some circles). We made love that night, and I actually cried. Both of us traveled back and forth to see each other. Even before the first night was over, he was talking about how he couldn't wait to take me to Puerto Rico and so on.He is a PhD teaching at a college in his town and he was also a recovered alcoholic and drug user. He has been sober for over 15 years. I knew that his job was important to him, and that he was working towards tenure.

After about six weeks I decided to him to introduce him to my children and their father. My children really started liking him. He would always suggest that we take my kids with us during the weekends that we were in my town. I even once took the kids to visit him upon his request.

The rest of the year was really hard, because the kid's father wasn't ready to see me date, so he wouldn't help me take care of the kids, and I ended up moving in with my mom while I was in school. My mom and I never got along and she did things to try and break us up.

I went to Yonkers, NY for New Years to ring in 2006 with the man that I had fallen in love with. I stayed at his parents with him We brought in the new year with his friends, and I noticed that he was totally different around them. He put me on the back burner, and I really felt like he treated me like we never met before. I couldn't understand what had happened to my loving man. We made up the next day and he was even asking me what kind of engagement rings I liked. While I was there, we took pictures of us laying in the bed cuddled up topless.

I returned home and he went to Philly for a conference, and while he was there, once again he totally ignored me. He would put me into voicemail every time I called, and I think we all know how the cellphone ring sounds when you are directed to voicemail before the usual allotted time. I told him that I didn't appreciate that he changes around his friends and that it could have been an emergency. Like the time that I went to get my wisdom tooth pulled, and they tried for almost 3 hours to pull it and the started pumping me full of lidocaine. I am allergic to lidocaine, so I had to go to the ER so I wouldn't die. I called him and he nursed me back to health. Needless to say, we broke up.

Several weeks later I found out that I was pregnant. I drove to see him in person to tell him. So ladies, I am a spy by nature and I looked at his pictures on his computer, and I discovered that he photographed his ex-girlfriend and his self the same way he photographed us. I was pissed! How dare you photograph me the same way as you photographed your ex that you still talk to every week. We argued about me getting an abortion for weeks, then finally we stopped talking. I lost the baby in late February, and when I called him crying, he said whatever.

I moved into my own place in March, and was doing great. I called him in late March to ask him how to hang a big framed mirror in my kids room, since he use to be a carpenter. He decided to drive the 200 miles to to hang it for me. He told me I would always be his lady, and back together we were. I had apologized for things that happened in the past that wasn't even my fault.

Every thing was going great up until May 3rd. I had visited him the weekend before and he had paid for a oil change and a tire rotation on my car, but that caused my tires to be unbalanced. Someone got pissed at me on the freeway after my niece's b-day party on May 3rd, because I couldn't let them over, so they started chasing me. I lost control of my car with my children in the back seat. I was in shock and devastated. I told him that I really needed him, but instead he spent that weekend with one of his ex-girlfriends at her graduation.

In June he was telling me that he couldn't live without me, and was showing me Tiffany rings online that he wanted to buy me. I did notice that he was talking to his ex almost every other day and texting. I asked him to stop talking to her so much and delete the pictures of them on his computer. He said that he likes to remain friends with his ex-girlfriends.

In July after we returned from his birthday trip, he asked me to travel to help him get his house ready so he could go to Mexico and NY for a month. He said he really needed me there. I had been going to school full-time and working full-time. I told him that I really didn't have the time, but since he said that he really needed me there I went. I reminded him while we were out shopping that when I got into that accident, I told him that I really needed him and he put someone in front of me. Well, he started cursing me, driving crazy and telling me that he never said that he needed me there. As soon as I got to his house, I packed up my stuff and left. When I got home I saw a mouse in my house and asked him to come and try and catch it. He came and we made up. He told my 4 year old son that when he got back in a month he would teach him to play soccer with the new ball he bought for him, and he told him that he was going to buy him a kids size golf set. He also told my kids that he was going to spend Christmas with us.

When he first got to NY he sent me a card telling me how much he loved me and needed me in his life. He barely called me while he was gone, and when I was able to talk to him, I asked him what his intentions were. I told him I wasn't asking him to commit right them but I needed to know something before my son started Kindergarten in 2007. Finally it was over.

I found out a couple of weeks later that I had lupus. He is aware, and he has never asked me how I am doing. What happened to being my friend. My children are crushed, and I am pissed because I asked him before we got back together not to spend time with my boys if he didn't plan on sticking around. On top of everything, he said that he didn't mean those things he said in the cards and he didn't mean to lead me on!

He didn't want me to have those pictures of us together, because he thought I would let them leak to his colleagues. He also doesn't want them to know he use to have a drinking and drug problem. So, I think I am going to email the pic along with a letter telling them all about him.

I don't want to do it, but I keep having nightmares about him and my son is always asking why he doesn't like me anymore. I feel like I need my own closure.

I am a vibrant, beautiful 25 year old woman that gave this 42 year old nothing a chance. I should him how to dress and bought new clothes for him and even gave him the confidence to be proud of his jacked up teeth and funky breath.

Should I do it or not?

He belittled me during our relationship because I didn't have a PhD and because I was only 24. He would say really mean things to me and then deny that he said those thing. We both did wrong, but I admitted when I was wrong and even when I wasn't.




Edited 1/16/2007 1:52 pm ET by scared_to_love_again
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 2:20pm

2 wrongs don't make a right. Turn your anger into something positive... find a way. Remember, when someone hurts you it can be forgotten. When you hurt someone else it remains forever in your heart.

Write the letter... but don't send it. Vent here. Spend time with your kids.

:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 2:23pm

It's terrible you got hurt and this guy sounds like a complete idiot but what do you really hope to accomplish by this? You could also open yourself up to a possible libel suit so is this guy and revenge really worth that???

If you really want revenge cut him out of your life and take care of you! Keep in mind the fact that you're young and have much going for you. THis guy is not worth so much energy.

PLEASE DON'T DO IT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 2:34pm

I don't even know where to start....

You met a guy online, went to see him (without really knowing him) slept with him right away, and within 6 weeks introduced your kids to him. YIKES. Six weeks is not long enough to determine if he's worth introducing your kids to. Ok enough of that.

Of course you are mad and angry and want revenge. HOWEVER, if you do anything, and I mean anything, you will be giving him permission to do the same to you. You open the door for the animosity to esculate instead of just dying out. Also you can't hurt him the same way, because he doesn't feel like you do. He doesn't react like you do. His reaction to the pregnancy and the miscarriage spoke volumes. And yet you called him again? Then: I did notice that he was talking to his ex almost every other day and texting. Another red flag. This guy was stringing you along.

I highly recommend you give your self-esteem a real boost, even if it means going to short-term counseling to do so. My guess is that while you are very angry with him, you are also very angry with yourself for putting up with all this, for hoping for the best, for denying the issues that were plain because you wanted it to work so badly you were willing to deny the truth of the situation.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's very painful. I hope you find a way to stay away from him and not expect an apology as he probably will never give you one.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2007
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 3:55pm

You are a vibrant beautiful young woman...dont you think you have already wasted couple of years on this guy? you are just 25 .. you have so many fantastic years before you... but it is up to you to make it so. Do you want to waste some more years trying to take revenge on a guy who doesnt deserve even an iota of your attention,positive or negative. Whats done is done... learn from it and move on...initially it will be hard but learn to let go of the anger...by holding on to the hurt and anger you are stopping yourself from having a beautiful life which you deserve. Focus ur energy on things that would make you stronger from within. And dont be scared to love again.........its such a beautiful thing.

My prayers and wishes are with you

Love

Nupur

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 4:23pm

I copied my response to your other post here.~~~~~~~~~~~


Instead of seeking revenge which only shows low standards of personal conduct and ethics, maybe you should look into seeking help for yourself, to help raise your self-esteem so that you never put up with ridiculous nonsense from any man ever again.

Myspace Codes