He won't leave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2009
He won't leave.
5
Sun, 03-03-2013 - 11:19am

I have been living with my BF for about 2 years now. I make more than him so I pay 75% of the rent. He cannot afford this place without me.  So he is cute and charming and a loving father.  And he swears his undying love for me.  The problem is that he has the heart of a cheater.  He touches and flirts inappropriately wherever we go.  My friends find it offensive.  Non-friends flirt back.  And candidly I am balanced between thinking he is being intentional to get approval and thinking he doesn't quite get that his flirting is inappropriate.   Anyhow I have had enough.   I asked him to move out.

He has refused.  In fact, he has decided that he just needs to come on stronger - so he is now always grabbing me for a kiss and saying "I love you!" And so forth.

So I am stuck.  A few of my friends think he might be a stalked and the only way I will get rid of him is to show up at the house with a big guy, pack my stuff, and leave.   I fear the ensuing scene and the social fallout like the plague.   Besides which I do genuinely love him.  I just have had enough if the cheating behavior.  So I don't want to hurt him. I just want him to leave.  But also I figure that white his flirting ways sooner or later he will cross the line with one of these women and then he will want to move out too.

But I wonder if my friends see something I do not.  Has anyone out there been in a situation like this? Where the guy just won't leave?  Am I being fair to seek a transitional ending?  Or am I being stupid?  

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sun, 03-03-2013 - 12:04pm

"A few of my friends think he might be a stalked"...
Did you mean "Stalker?
If he won't leave but you want him to and have asked him, I would get legal advice.
Is he on the lease?
Did things change when he moved in with you? Or escalate?
Have you checked out the "Recognizing Domestic Violence Board"?
My heart goes out to you...

Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 03-03-2013 - 5:35pm

I think it's possible that he is a flirty guy and wouldn't actually cheat and just likes the attention.  The important thing is that you have asked him not to do this kind of thing and he hasn't stopped.  If he refuses to move out, then I agree that you have to see what your legal options are--since he is not violent, you can't force him to move out.  It depends if both of you are on the lease or not, when is the lease up, do you have to evict him, etc.  I do not think you need to get a "big guy" to come over & make a scene (esp. when you have a child).  If you can't convince him to move out, you can notify him that on X date, since he refuses to move, then you are moving out and he is on his own--however, you have to give notice to the landlord, etc.  Another thing is that if you have a child together, then you have to make sure to go to court & get a custody & child support order.  It's not that simple.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 03-04-2013 - 8:08am

girlyal wrote:
<p>I have been living with my BF for about 2 years now. I make more than him so I pay 75% of the rent. He cannot afford this place without me.  So he is cute and charming and a loving father.  And he swears his undying love for me.  The problem is that he has the heart of a cheater.  He touches and flirts inappropriately wherever we go.  My friends find it offensive.  Non-friends flirt back.  And candidly I am balanced between thinking he is being intentional to get approval and thinking he doesn't quite get that his flirting is inappropriate.   Anyhow I have had enough.

It may be more like he knows what he's doing is hurtful to you and he does it to control you.

Quote:
  I asked him to move out.  He has refused.  In fact, he has decided that he just needs to come on stronger - so he is now always grabbing me for a kiss and saying "I love you!" And so forth

Whose name is on the lease?  You say you're living with him, not he's living with you--that leads me to believe that you're the one who moved in to help him because he couldn't afford the place by himself.  So, no, he's not the one who has to  leave. If you don't like the arrangement anymore, you move.

Quote:
So I am stuck.  A few of my friends think he might be a stalked and the only way I will get rid of him is to show up at the house with a big guy, pack my stuff, and leave.  

"He's a stalker" based upon what, exactly? Your friends don't live with him and aren't in the relationship with him.  You should pack your stuff and leave anyway since you appear to want out.

Quote:
 I fear the ensuing scene and the social fallout like the plague.   Besides which I do genuinely love him.  I just have had enough if the cheating behavior.  So I don't want to hurt him. I just want him to leave.  

Again, is his name on the lease?  If his name is on the lease, then he doesn't have to go anywhere.  If your name is on the lease, then you're going to have to break it in order to move out, which may result in a whole lot of legal hassle with the landlord, depending upon the laws in your municipality.  You don't want to hurt him---so, do you want to continue to be hurt by him by not removing yourself from his presence?  If you go there whenyou know he's not home and get all of your stuff and leave, there will be no scene.  If you go there with sheriff's deputies to remove your belongings, there won't be any scene (tell them that you fear for your safety should you try to pack your belongings and leave).

Quote:
But also I figure that white his flirting ways sooner or later he will cross the line with one of these women and then he will want to move out too.</p><p>But I wonder if my friends see something I do not.  Has anyone out there been in a situation like this? Where the guy just won't leave?  Am I being fair to seek a transitional ending?  Or am I being stupid?  </p>

I think you're worrying too much about him facing the consequences of his actions.  If he won't go, then you're going to have to go and deal with whatever legal issues arise from that move. Hopefully, your name isn't on the lease; outside of that fortunate break, you're just going to have to hope the landlord is cool and let you break the lease... it would be far more fortunate if you are on a month-to-month lease--you can be out of it at the end of this month.  He can find someone else to help subsidize his style of living and his incessant flirting. That's not your problem.  Your problem is you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2013
Tue, 03-05-2013 - 7:03pm
It’s definitely the most-financially rewarding I've ever done. I Make money with Google. $85 an hour! I work two shifts, 2 hours in the day and 2 in the evening…And what’s awesome is I’m working from home so I get more time with my kids, I follow this great link,, Google.Fab17.com

(Go to site and open ‘Home’ for details)

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 03-06-2013 - 6:34pm

  Breaking up is always difficult.  if you are on a lease then you are financially committed to the end of that lease.  The first step is to see when the lease ends and how many days the land lord wants to know in advance. Once that is known prepare to move to a apt by yourself.  He then can make what ever arraingements he needs to. 

chaika